Denis Villeneuve Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Denis Villeneuve-whose latest project "Dune: Part Two" releases in theaters today. 

Denis Villeneuve's Filmography Ranked:

7.Enemy (C-)

6.Incendies (C)

5.Blade Runner 2049 (B-)

4.Dune (B+)

3.Arrival (A-)

2.Sicario (A-)

1.Prisoners (A-)

Top Dog: Prisoners (2013)

Prisoners was the introduction for most American audiences to the cinematic stylings of Villeneuve and hot damn, did the French-Canadian manage to leave quite the first impression. This mystery thriller about a cop (Jake Gyllenhaal) and the traumatized father (Hugh Jackman) of two missing girls who operate on different sides of the law in their pursuit of the serial child kidnapper that has reigned terror on their desolate Pennsylvania town for decades is a slow-burning affair that packs a serious wallop. Jackman and Gyllenhaal turn in some of the finest performances of their careers as the tormented men trying to get to the bottom of this horrific case, Villeneuve does a masterful job of creating a dread-soaked atmosphere that gradually escalates in intensity throughout and the reveal of the disturbing truth behind the kidnappings fuels an explosive finale that is pretty much impossible to forget.            

Bottom Feeder: Enemy (2014)

Ironically, Villeneuve followed up Prisoners with the only real dud he's made since he broke out in Hollywood. As fiercely committed as Jake Gyllenhaal is in his dual lead roles, Enemy doesn't have enough eerie atmospherics, visual pop and compelling mindfuckery to deliver upon its surrealist psychological thriller ambitions.     

Most Underrated: Sicario (2015)

Sicario isn't underrated in the traditional sense as it made enough money to get a sequel greenlit and helped pave the way for Taylor Sheridan to become one of the biggest television kingpins of the last 20 years. It is however underrated in the pantheon of Villeneuve's acclaimed filmography as it's widely pegged to be a couple of steps below the rest of his American films, which is a sentiment that I strongly disagree with. Villeneuve is in peak form as he creates a procedural thriller about the drug trade at the United States/Mexican border that runs laps around the titles its often compared to (Traffic, Blow) in terms of entertainment value/suspense level, moral complexity and technical craftsmanship/acting.     

Most Overrated: Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

I'm just going to be completely honest, nothing about Blade Runner 2049 impressed me much outside of its VFX and cinematography. The primary philosophical subtext surrounding robots desire to find their own humanity in a manufactured existence isn't particularly thought-provoking, compelling or unique (the polarizing live action remake of Ghost in the Shell that was released the same year operates in the same thematic waters with a similar, if not greater degree of effectiveness), the acting outside of Ryan Gosling's reliably strong work in the lead role is unremarkable and it ultimately fails to bring enough new ideas to the table to justify its existence in a world where the original is already worshipped by fans, critics and film historians alike.   

Programming Update

Hello all,

I've been quiet on here this week on account of a self-imposed mandate to start doing research on the players available in the 2024 NFL Draft and a lack of new movies to write about outside of Drive-Away Dolls. This week's edition of "Ranked" featuring the films of Dune: Part Two director Denis Villeneuve will be up tomorrow, and I'll return to a normal posting schedule next week.

Chris Maitland 

Movie Review: Drive-Away Dolls

 

The creative separation of the Coen Brothers over the past few years has revealed a lot about what they each brought to their films. Joel's inaugural solo venture was a gothic reimagining of Shakespeare's Macbeth entitled The Tragedy of Macbeth starring Denzel Washington and his wife Frances McDormand. Ethan's is an original screwball crime comedy about two lesbian friends (Margaret Qualley, Geraldine Viswanathan) that have their leisurely road trip from Philadelphia to Tallahassee derailed when they discover they've been unwillingly transporting contraband belonging to some very powerful people in the trunk of their rental car called Drive-Away Dolls. This serious artist/court jester dynamic is what makes the Coen Brothers such a dynamic force to be reckoned with and while their forthcoming reunion on an untitled horror film that's set to shoot at the end of this year or the beginning will certainly be a welcome one, it's been fun to see what they bring to the table as individual filmmaking entities over the past few years.

For some people, Drive-Away Dolls will serve as proof that Ethan needs Joel to reign in his goofier impulses. For others, it will be a refreshingly silly twist on the classic Coen crime farce formula. I'm firmly in the latter camp.

It took all of about 90 seconds for Drive-Away Dolls to hook me as it transitions from a quick but memorable cameo from Pedro Pascal to a pair of scenes introducing the protagonists: Jamie (Qualley) and Marian (Viswanathan). Jamie's relationship with a short-tempered, foul-mouthed cop (Beanie Feldstein-in her funniest performance since Booksmart) abruptly ends when she's caught cheating with another woman in a uh, interesting manner while Marian rebuffs a male co-worker who is trying to ask her on a date in a conversation dominated by semantics and awkwardness. These early scenes lay down the foundation for a house built on zany situational comedy and when Jamie and Marian hit the road about 10 minutes later, it's officially all systems go for a wild fucking ride. Unsavory surprises reveal themselves; new friends and foes are made and a whole lot of swearing, screwing and killing takes place. In lesser hands, this game of adrenaline-fueled weirdo pinball would run the risk of turning into a catastrophe at any moment. But with a seasoned comic director in Coen at the helm and Qualley and Viswanathan excelling as an extrovert/introvert pairing who are ultimately drawn closer by all of the weird shit that happens to them on their trip, it hits all the right manic and vulgar notes before it cruises off into the sunset in well under 90 minutes (it only runs 84 minutes with credits!). Given the pretty rocky start the 2024 cinematic year has gotten off to, having something so breezy, funny and silly arrive on the scene is the perfect palate cleanser that will hopefully pave the way for a much more fulfilling spring at the old cinema.                                  

Grade: B

Colman Domingo Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Colman Domingo-whose latest project "Drive-Away Dolls" is in theaters tonight. 

Colman Domingo's Filmography Ranked:

14.Freedomland (D+)

13.The Color Purple (C)

12.Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (B-)

11.Rustin (B-)

10.Assassination Nation (B-)

9.The Butler (B-)

8.Candyman (B-)

7.First Match (B-)

6.Without Remorse (B)

5.Ma Rainey's Black Bottom (B)

4.42 (B+)

3.If Beale Street Could Talk (B+)

2.Zola (B+)

1.Selma (A-)

Top Dog: Selma (2014)

Raw, emotional and led by David Oyelowo's powerhouse turn as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Selma is one of the finest biopics released over the past 10-15 years.  

Bottom Feeder: Freedomland (2006)

Longtime producer and former studio executive Joe Roth said goodbye to directing forever after Freedomland and man, did the guy behind Christmas with the Kranks and Revenge of the Nerds II go out with a bang. This mystery thriller completely bungles the fundamentals of the genre by having a dull, often nonsensical whodunit case at its center, a noncommittal tone that weirdly fluctuates between deadly serious and deliberately trashy and an unbelievably awful ending that cements its status as a major dud. If it weren't for Julianne Moore being in delightfully unhinged character actor mode as the co-protagonist alongside a mostly comatose Samuel L. Jackson as the lead detective on the film's murder case, this would likely be one of the worst mainstream movies released from 2000-09.     

Most Underrated: Zola (2021)

Save for a semi-viral meme built around a scene where Nicolas Braun's character threatens suicide, Zola has managed to fly almost completely under-the-radar since it released in June 2021 when Hollywood was just starting to release movies widely in theaters again after the end of the COVID lockdowns in the United States. Taylour Paige gives a star-making turn as the titular stripper who gets far more than she bargained for when she travels from Detroit to Tampa with a woman she just met (Riley Keough), the woman's boyfriend (Braun) and a charismatic yet intimidating man with an unclear agenda (Domingo) to dance for a week and co-writer/director Janicza Bravo does a great job of mixing the madness of this inherently wild (mostly) true story with the quiet tragedy that's frequently bubbling just underneath the chaotic surface.  

Most Overrated: The Color Purple (2023)

While it's gorgeously shot and full of strong performances, a story that's emotional core is far too reliant on over-the-top melodrama paired with a collection of boring songs prevent the musical reimaging of The Color Purple from finding its footing.    

Movie Review: Players

It wouldn't be February without Netflix releasing a romantic comedy to cash-in on Valentine's Day. Unlike last year's starry Your Place or Mine, the streaming giant decided to dig around their vast archives of long-completed projects to find this year's title and they emerged with Players-a very soft R-rated affair in which Gina Rodriguez plays a New York sportswriter who decides to stop running hook-up schemes with her trio of male friends (Damon Wayans Jr., Augustus Prew, Joel Courtney) when she meets a charming war reporter (Tom Ellis) and enlists the help of her friends to convince him that she's serious relationship material. Further complicating this mission is that Wayans Jr.'s character just might be harboring some romantic feelings for his longtime friend. Typical romcom hijinks ensue and the conclusion that the audience is expecting materializes with relative ease.

Like far too many of Netflix's recent romcoms, Players is a movie that does little else besides be agreeable enough to carve out a spot on the Netflix home screen for a couple weeks. It's not particularly funny or charming, the chemistry between every prospective couple here is merely passable and there's not a single standout performance among the entire ensemble. Really the best thing I can say about Players is that it's a downright spirited effort when compared to the aforementioned Your Place or Mine.

Algorithm fodder is a key part of the depressing new reality of Hollywood's streaming-obsessed landscape, but would it really kill these executives to greenlit scripts that check the required boxes with more proficiency than this? I'm not going to remember Players by St. Patrick's Day and I have a sneaking suspicion that the vast majority of the other people that have watched since it came out a week ago are in the same boat. The romcom genre is one that inspires many repeat viewings when it strikes a chord with the viewer and save for Set It Up and the To All the Boys I've Loved Before trilogy, has Netflix ever managed to produce something that's been able to do that? Not really.  

Sometime in April or May, they're going to a recent romcom winner called Anyone But You release on their platform. This sleeper theatrical hit from Sony is the exact type of breezy, charming movie they're desperate to make and it'll likely maintain a slot on their Top 10 Movie Charts for weeks, if not months. Maybe if they learn the right lessons from recent history, they'll be able to make a romcom that matches or exceeds the quality of this Sydney Sweeney/Glen Powell vehicle from genre veteran Will Gluck. But knowing how the big brains at Netflix operate, I think people can expect a whole lot more harmless vanilla whiffs like Players in the future.                 

 Grade: C-           

Movie Review: Bob Marley: One Love

Bob Marley: One Love opens with a title card detailing where Marley and his home nation of Jamaica are at in December 1976 as Marley is set to perform at a peace concert called Smile Jamaica that was aimed to broker peace between the nation's two political parties before their next presidential election. Two days before the concert, a group of armed men attempted to assassinate Marley, his wife Rita and members of his backing band/team at his Kingston residence. While Bob, Rita and Bob's manager Don Taylor were left wounded, they all made full recoveries, and the Smile Jamaica performance went on as scheduled. After the show, Marley is left reeling and is forced to leave Jamaica for London for the safety of himself and his family. The film goes onto depict Marley's time in London, the recording of his classic 1977 album Exodus and eventual return to Jamaica to perform at the One Love peace concert in April 1978. 

Despite its narrow focus on a crucial period of Marley's life, One Love manages to be just as hollow, if not more so than the typical music biopic. Not only do director/co-writer Reinaldo Marcus Green and the small army of writers (Terrence Winter, Frank E. Flowers, Zach Baylin) that are credited alongside him for the screenplay tell viewers absolutely nothing of consequence about Marley the person or the artist, they seem to have zero reverence for him whatsoever. The entire film is basically just a string of sloppily assembled events in Marley's life told with no energy, perspective or weight. Quite frankly, there's so little care put into the portrayal of Marley here that I could be convinced that it was secretly funded by people who hated his music, message of peace and Rastafarian/Pan-Africanist beliefs. As generic as films like Bohemian Rhapsody, I Wanna Dance with Somebody and All Eyez on Me are, they at least showed some sincere admiration for the artistry of their subjects. One Love can't even grant Marley that base level of respect, so it's no surprise that the product on screen is so exceptionally boring and incoherent.

It does need to be noted that the failures of One Love can't be put on the cast. Kingsley Ben-Adir does a perfectly fine job stepping into Marley's shoes during this legacy-defining period of his life and Lashana Lynch is probably even better as the supportive but understandably exasperated Rita. Whatever occasional spark of life that threatens to enter this sleepy picture comes in the few scenes where it's just the two of them talking. They're able to convincingly convey the conflicting emotions of a couple whose relationship is frequently challenged by Bob's refusal to acknowledge the sacrifice's Rita make as a mother and partner to support his globe-trotting career and his hobby of sleeping with other women and having more children on the side. Given how far removed One Love is from the heart and soul of Marley, it's almost shocking that Green allowed a few intimate human moments to make their way to the screen.

Not to sound hyperbolic, but I can without any hesitation that One Love is the worst music biopic I've ever seen. How someone whose career was largely driven by his passion and fearlessness got saddled with such a lethargic dramatization of their life is a baffling occurrence that defies comprehension. The good news for any future biopics is that One Love has brought the bar for the genre down to such a low point that it'll be really difficult for anybody to fall below it, although there are some upcoming titles in this space that could prove to be up for the challenge.                                              

Grade: D

Movie Review: Madame Web

There's a really beautiful irony to Madame Web releasing on the same day that a vocal minority of comic book fans took to social media to extol the virtues of Tim Story's Fantastic Four films as a way to express their disgust with the casting announcement for the upcoming FF MCU reboot. Madame Web is positively overflowing with the type of janky filmmaking, pervasive silliness and horrendously conceived villains that were at the center of Story's films. It even manages to further its commitment to a 00's inept cheeseball aesthetic by taking place in 2003. Maybe time will allow Madame Web to become embraced seemingly out of the blue by the same people that are currently going to bat for Fantastic Four' 05 and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, but that may prove to be a bridge too far as S.J. Clarkson's movie is being released at a time where people are starting to get less romantic about the superhero genre.

In fairness to these people who love Fantastic Four that I didn't know existed until last week, Madame Web doesn't provide much fodder for future revisionist history love. The way that the plot surrounding clairvoyant paramedic Casandra Webb (Dakota Johnson) becoming the reluctant protector of three young girls (Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor) that are being pursued by a superpowered psycho named Ezkiel Simms (Tahar Rahim) who has connections to Webb's deceased mother is constructed doesn't allow for much superhero stuff or meaningful character development to actually occur. Some of the technical aspects (namely the frantic, choppy editing and bizarre, old kung fu movie-esque ADR that's used for about 95% of Rahim's dialogue) are staggeringly bad for a movie of its size. And perhaps most shockingly, there's a conscious effort to dance around the connections it has to Spider-Man-which is really quite the choice considering that it features two supporting characters that anybody who's seen a Spider-Man movie before should have no trouble recognizing. There are some moments where the family brought together by fate dynamic and hunter vs. the hunted story work well enough to demonstrate the potential it had to work as a pretty unique, genre-inspired superhero origin story, but they're ultimately too fleeting to overcome the lack of care or cohesion that is given to the film overall.                           

For all of its missteps, I don't believe Madame Web is among the worst superhero movies to come out in recent years, let alone ever. Hell, the previous Sony Spider-Man-adjacent meme machine Morbius has a messier narrative, considerably stiffer acting and less entertainment value than this. Still, Madame Web is the kind of clunky, uninspired effort that Sony can't afford to churn out if they wish to keep making money off the deepest reaches of the Spider-Man character catalog.               

Grade: C-

2023-24 NBA Midseason Awards

Top Player: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (Thunder)

Going against Jokic isn't an easy choice as the Serbian big man continues to stuff the stat sheet with monster numbers and has maintained his incredible shooting efficiency despite shouldering a larger-than-usual chunk of the Nuggets scoring load this season. What puts Gilgeous-Alexander ahead of Jokic for me is the role he's played in helping the Thunder make the sudden surge from frisky upstarts to one of the best teams in the NBA this season. Gilgeous-Alexander has taken yet another step forward on the offensive end after his remarkable improvement a year ago (31.1 PPG, 54.6 FG%, 37.1 3P%, 57.6 EFG%, 6.5 AST-all of which save for PPG and 3P% are new career highs) while also serving as a key part of the Thunder's defensive identity-averaging 0.9 blocks and a career-best 2.2 steals per game and the even-keeled leader this young group looks to whenever they need to make a play in crunchtime.         

Honorable Mentions: Nikola Jokic (Nuggets), Luka Doncic (Mavericks), Giannis Antetokounmpo (Bucks) 

Top Defensive Player: Rudy Gobert (Timberwolves)

When Minnesota shipped out all of that draft capital to Utah for Gobert in the summer of 2022, the 2023-24 version of Gobert was the player they hoped to be getting. The Stifle Tower has been a wildly effective interior anchor of the Wolves suffocating defense (currently ranked #1 in the league) and returned to form as a premiere shot blocker/post defender/defensive rebounder after an underwhelming inaugural campaign in the Twin Cities.         

Honorable Mentions: Bam Adebayo (Heat), Chet Holmgren (Thunder), Victor Wembanyama (Spurs)

Top Rookie: Chet Holmgren (Thunder)

The additional unforeseen hurdle of having to recover from a severe foot injury proved to not be a hurdle at all for the #2 overall pick in the 2022 NBA Draft. The Gonzaga product has defied any reasonable expectations placed upon him heading into his delayed NBA debut season and made an immediate impact on both ends of the floor (16.7 PPG, 7.6 RPG, 53.5 FG%, 39.3 3P%, 2.6 BPG, 0.7 SPG) for a Thunder squad that previously lacked dynamism in their frontcourt.     

Honorable Mentions: Victor Wembanyama (Spurs), Brandon Miller (Hornets), Jaime Jaquez Jr. (Heat)

Top Most Improved: Tyrese Maxey (76ers) 

Somebody on the 76ers was going to need step up to fill the major offensive void left by the departure of James Harden and Maxey emerged as that guy right away. Maxey has proven to be a reliable facilitator and elite 2nd scoring option behind Joel Embiid while maintaining the aggressive mentality and smooth touch around the rim he had when he was the lightning-rod #3 in the 76ers offense a year ago. How he fares as the top dog with Embiid remains out indefinitely with a torn meniscus remains to be seen, but he's the runaway winner for this honor at this point of the season.        

Honorable Mentions: Coby White (Bulls), Alperen Sengun (Rockets), Jonathan Kuminga (Warriors)

Top 6th Man: Tim Hardaway Jr. (Mavericks)

One of the bigger surprises in the NBA this season has been just how good Hardaway Jr. has been as the Mavs 6th man. Why the 31-year old is suddenly exceling in a role as a top bench option/spot starter that he's served in for the majority of the past 5 seasons remains a mystery, but his contributions as a spark scorer off the bench (17.3 PPG, 41.4 FG%, 36.5 3P%) have helped the Mavericks win some games that they failed to last year when they didn't have a player they could turn to make buckets whenever Luka or Kyrie weren't on the floor, so the why doesn't really matter.       

Honorable Mentions: Malik Monk (Kings), Norman Powell (Clippers), Caris LeVert (Cavaliers) 

Top Coach: Mark Daigneault (Thunder)

When Mark Daigneault replaced Billy Donovan as head coach of the Thunder ahead of the 2020-21 season, Sam Presti cited that the then 35-year old was the right man for the job despite his relative lack of experience at the NBA level (at the time, he had been an NBA assistant head coach for 2 years and a G-League head coach for 5). This season, Presti finally gets to do his victory lap for trusting Daigneault to succeed in this tough gig. Daigneault's efforts in developing this young roster and building an identity over the past 3 seasons has finally led to really impressive results as the team has suddenly transformed into one of the best teams in the NBA as they hold a 37-17 record (2nd best record in the Western Conference, 3rd best in the league) at the All-Star break. Their youth might catch up with them come playoff time, but right now it's hard not to be extremely impressed with the job Daigneault has done with a team that was not supposed to be this sharp, tough and well-balanced at this stage of their rebuilding efforts.       

Honorable Mentions: Chris Finch (Timberwolves), Tyrone Lue (Clippers), J.B. Bickerstaff (Cavaliers)      

Music Biopics Released from 2000-Present Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling Music Biopics released from 2000-present in honor of the release of Bob Marley: One Love. 

Music Biopics from 2000-Present Ranked:

18.Maestro (D+)

17.Elvis (D+)

16.Miles Ahead (C)

15.Chevalier (C)

14.Love & Mercy (C)

13.Florence Foster Jenkins (C)

12.All Eyez on Me (C+)

11.The United States vs. Billie Holiday (C+)

10.I Wanna Dance with Somebody (C+)

9.Bohemian Rhapsody (B-)

8.Cadillac Records (B)

7.The Dirt (B)

6.Notorious (B)

5.Walk the Line (B+)

4.Ray (B+)

3.Get on Up (B+)

2.Rocketman (B+)

1.Straight Outta Compton (A)

Top Dog: Straight Outta Compton (2015)

Despite its convenient glossing over of Dr. Dre's 1991 assault of Dee Barnes and decision to dump the majority of the blame for the group's breakup on Jerry Heller and the late Eazy-E, N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton remains an excellent film that runs circles around nearly all of its peers in the music biopic subgenre. F.Gary Gray's energetic direction establishes a sense of narrative propulsion that never quits, its ability to form a coherent narrative despite covering so much time is extremely impressive and the quartet of lead performances (O'Shea Jackson Jr., Corey Hawkins, Jason Mitchell, Paul Giamatti) are all exceptional pieces of acting that succeed in making all of these larger-than-life cultural icons feel like real, layered human beings.               

Bottom Feeder: Maestro (2023)

Awards bait doesn't get much more shameless or obnoxious than Bradley Cooper's wretched Leonard Bernstein biopic Maestro. Cooper and Carey Mulligan reduce the iconic composer/conductor and his wife Felicia's life together to a 2-hour mine for awards clip material with their distractingly cartoonish, tryhard performances that completely overshadow anything the film is trying to say about their relationship and how it was affected by Bernstein's towering career in music.         

Most Underrated: Get on Up (2014)

The late Chadwick Boseman gave what just might've been the finest performance of his career as James Brown alongside the similarly terrific Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer and Nelsan Ellis-who sadly predeceased Boseman-in this criminally under-the-radar flick from Tate Taylor (The Help, The Girl on the Train). Boseman is charismatic enough to embody Brown's big, brash personality and fearless enough to explore his extensive history of domestic, verbal and substance abuse while its non-linear narrative style does a great job of examining how Brown became the entertainer and human being he was without ever feeling rote.     

Most Overrated: Elvis (2022)

I was tempted to put Maestro here on account of all of the Oscar nominations it just received, but the reception outside of critical circles and awards voters has been pretty muted for the most part. Elvis, on the other hand, was one of the most successful movies of 2022, earned a bunch of Oscar noms and was also a movie that drove me insane, making it much a more fitting selection. As stylish, distinct and well-shot/edited as Elvis is, Baz Luhrmann's relentless love affair with his own filmmaking style, Austin Butler's hilariously committed yet ultimately cheap impersonation of Elvis and its steadfast refusal to engage with the more unsavory elements of Elvis' life made it every bit as hollow as the more conventional music biopics Hollywood tends to put out.             

Another Underrated Movie Just Because I Want to Highlight It: Rocketman (2019)

Electing to turn Elton John's life story into a jukebox musical that blends the fantastical with the real is the type of inspired creative swing that we need to see more of in this genre. Not only does it do wonders for spicing up the traditional rise-fall-rise structure of these movies, but it's also an incredible representation of who John is as an artist. On top of that, John himself being humble enough to allow the filmmakers to showcase his personal demons on screen allows the film to feel refreshingly authentic and Taron Edgerton's vulnerable, spirited performance as John is some true powerhouse shit that should've earned him an Oscar nomination.           

2024 NFL Mock Draft (Pre-Combine)

1.Chicago Bears: Caleb Williams, quarterback (USC)

2.Washington Commanders: Drake Maye, quarterback (North Carolina)

3.New England Patriots: Jayden Daniels, quarterback (LSU)

4.Arizona Cardinals: Marvin Harrison Jr., wide receiver (Ohio State)

5.Los Angeles Chargers: Malik Nabers, wide receiver (LSU) 

6.New York Giants: Joe Alt, tackle (Notre Dame) 

7.Tennessee Titans: Olumuyiwa Fashanu, tackle (Penn State)

8.Atlanta Falcons: Dallas Turner, edge rusher (Alabama)

9.Chicago Bears: Romeo Odunze, wide receiver (Washington)

10.New York Jets: JC Latham, tackle (Alabama) 

11.Minnesota Vikings: Jared Verse, edge rusher (Florida State)

12.Denver Broncos: Brock Bowers, tight end (Georgia) 

13.Las Vegas Raiders: J.J. McCarthy, quarterback (Michigan)

14.New Orleans Saints: Taliese Fuaga, tackle (Oregon State) 

15.Indianapolis Colts: Cooper DeJean, cornerback (Iowa) 

16.Seattle Seahawks: Jer'Zhan Newton, defensive tackle (Illinois) 

17.Jacksonville Jaguars: Jackson Powers-Johnson, center (Oregon) 

18.Cincinnati Bengals: Quinyon Mitchell, cornerback (Toledo) 

19.Los Angeles Rams: Laitatu Latu, edge rusher (UCLA)  

20.Pittsburgh Steelers: Payton Wilson, inside linebacker (NC State) 

21.Miami Dolphins: Amarius Mims, tackle (Georgia) 

22.Philadelphia Eagles: Kool-Aid McKinstry, cornerback (Alabama) 

23.Houston Texans: Chop Robinson, edge rusher (Penn State) 

24.Dallas Cowboys: Troy Fautanu, tackle (Washington) 

25.Green Bay Packers: Terrion Arnold, cornerback (Alabama) 

26.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Graham Barton, tackle/guard (Duke) 

27.Arizona Cardinals: Nate Wiggins, cornerback (Clemson) 

28.Buffalo Bills: T.J. Tampa, cornerback (Iowa State) 

29.Detroit Lions: Ennis Rakestraw Jr., cornerback (Missouri)  

30.Baltimore Ravens: Brian Thomas Jr., wide receiver (LSU)  

31.San Francisco 49ers: Tyler Guyton, tackle (Oklahoma) 

32.Kansas City Chiefs: Keon Coleman, wide receiver (Florida State) 

Super Bowl 58 Prediction

Conference Championship Record: 1-1 (Correct: 49ers Incorrect: Ravens)

Overall Playoff Record: 7-5

Kansas City Chiefs over San Francisco 49ers:

In all my years of putting NFL predictions in writing, I've never correctly predicted a Super Bowl Champion prior to the start of the season. I picked the Chiefs to win this year, which means I should probably be backing the 49ers without hesitation. But what is the point of flip-flopping at this stage of the game? If the Chiefs are going to lose, I'm going down with the ship damn it! 

Even if I didn't feel obligated to stick with the Chiefs, I feel that all the luck the 49ers have enjoyed this postseason is due to run out. All of the shenanigans that transpired (the Packers rookie kicker shanking a kick in the 4th quarter, Dan Campbell's overagression opening the door for a 2nd half comeback, Brandon Aiyuk's fucking hilarious miracle catch that Kindle Vildor's football follie opened the door for) that helped pave the way for them to get here tends to ultimately come with a steep price, which just might be the chance to earn their 1st Super Bowl victory since 1994. Of course, anything is possible-especially in a season as deeply wacky as this one. But quite frankly, the 49ers haven't played well enough over the majority of their two playoff games for me to have faith in their ability to pull this game out.

Now, my confidence in the Chiefs isn't to say that the 49ers don't have their fair share of potential matchup advantages that could allow them to win. Christian McCaffery has the potential to create some serious problems for a Chiefs run D that has some trouble defending the run this year (a deficiency that the Ravens bizarrely elected to not try and exploit in the AFC Championship Game), the Joe Thuney-less Chiefs offensive line that held up pretty well against the Ravens has another really tough assignment in trying to slow down the 49ers aggressive, deeply talented front 7 and it kind goes without saying that the 49ers complement of pass-catching weapons greatly exceeds that of the Chiefs-which could make their passing attack more effective despite the Chiefs pretty considerable edge in pass defense. 

As scary as those elements of the 49ers are, the Chiefs list of potential game-breakers is even longer, The Chiefs are the more physical team on both sides of the ball by a pretty wide margin, the 49ers have their own set of offensive line problems (outside of Trent Williams) and run defense woes that vets like Andy Reid and Steve Spagnuolo could easily exploit and Patrick Mahomes has proven time and time again that he's built for stages of this magnitude while Brock Purdy simply has not. 

Ultimately, I think it's this simple: If Mahomes has time to throw the ball, his receivers are able to catch the majority of the passes that come their way and CMC doesn't go completely apeshit on the ground (like Terrell Davis in Super Bowl 37-type apeshit), the Chiefs should be able to win the game.                                          

Carla Gugino Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Carla Gugino-whose latest project "Lisa Frankenstein" is in theaters tonight. 

Carla Gugino's Filmography Ranked:

21.Spy Kids 2: The Island of Dreams (D-)

20.Gerald's Game (D)

19.Man of Steel (D)

18.New Year's Eve (D+)

17.Michael (C-)

16.San Andreas (C-)

15.Righteous Kill (C)

14.Spy Kids (C)

13.The One (C)

12.Mr. Popper's Penguins (C+)

11.Night at the Museum (B-)

10.Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (B-)

9.Faster (B-)

8.Zack Snyder's Justice League (B)

7.Watchmen (B)

6.Gunpowder Milkshake (B)

5.Sucker Punch (B+)

4.The Lookout (B+)

3.Match (A-)

2.American Gangster (A)

1.Sin City (A+)

Top Dog: Sin City (2005)

Did Sin City coming out while I was a teenager influence my love for it? Without question. However, my glowing opinion of it has remained intact well into adulthood because I'll never forget just how much it blew me away the first time I saw it. I'd never seen something so seamlessly translate the visual style and tone of a graphic novel to the screen before and quite frankly, I've never seen something do it so adeptly since. The thin line between good and evil here beautifully evokes the moral ambiguity of vintage noir pictures, this world is brimming with so much life that you can see why it's both intoxicating and dangerous for its inhabitants and each performance in this massive ensemble is perfectly rendered to match the slick, sleazy nature of the titular location. This is Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's masterpiece and it's a film that I will cherish for the rest of my life.              

Bottom Feeder: Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams (2003)

On the other end of the Robert Rodriguez spectrum comes Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams. Whatever charm the whole goofy family of spies' dynamic that made the first installment work to an extent rapidly disappeared in the sequel, which is an insufferably corny slog that ranks highly on the list of worst movies I saw as a child.     

Most Underrated: Match (2015)

This tiny indie drama that completely slipped through the cracks of Hollywood is a powerful, grounded character study that is best experienced going in completely blind features a career-best performance from Patrick Stewart in the lead role and terrific supporting work from a pair of underutilized talents in Gugino and Matthew Lillard.  

Most Overrated: Man of Steel (2013)

The only theatrically released Zack Snyder DCU entry that people outside of the toxic online Snyder cult actually really liked is ironically the only one that I believe has basically no redeeming qualities. Henry Cavill has never been stiffer on screen, the pacing is brutally slow, the frantic mid-air action sequences look like shit and Michael Shannon's cartoonish overacting as antagonist General Zod is completely out of place in an otherwise (often far too) deadly serious film.    

2023 NFL Year-End Awards+All-Pro Team and Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2024 Predictions

MVP: Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

Prior to his ugly showing in the AFC Championship Game, Jackson was putting together a tremendous season that very well could've been his finest as a pro thus far. A greater reliance on moving the ball through the air under new OC Todd Monken along with the additions of Zay Flowers and Odell Beckham Jr. allowed Jackson to put up the best passing numbers of his career (3,678 YDS, 24 TD's, 67.2 CMP%, ) and his huge performances in big spots against good teams (49ers, Lions, Texans, Rams, Dolphins) was a key part of why the Ravens finished the regular season with the best record in the NFL.      

Honorable Mentions: Tyreek Hill (Dolphins), Christian McCaffery (49ers), Dak Prescott (Cowboys) 

Offensive Player of the Year: Tyreek Hill (Dolphins)

Just when you think the 6x All-Pro Hill has reached his peak as a player, he somehow manages to find a way to one-up himself. He set a new career-high in receiving YDS (1,799 YDS) for a 2nd straight season in only 16 games played, led the league in TD grabs (13) and most importantly, proved just how valuable he was to this high-flying Dolphins offense when they suddenly became considerably less dynamic while he was sidelined.    

Honorable Mentions: Christian McCaffery (49ers), CeeDee Lamb (Cowboys), Puka Nacua (Rams) 

Defensive Player of the Year: Myles Garrett (Browns)

Garrett is currently favorited to receive his 1st real life DPOTY this season, which would be a long overdue honor for one of the most consistently excellent game-wreckers on the edge that the NFL has seen over the past decade. This will be the 2nd time I've given this considerably less prestigious honor to him. While his sack total was down a bit (14) from the past 2 seasons, Garrett was as productive as ever across the rest of the stat sheet-picking up 37 pressures, 30 QB hits, 17 TFL's, 4 forced fumbles and 3 passes defensed. His monumental presence also allowed his teammates like Za'Darius Smith, Alex Wright and Ogbonnia Okoronkwo to feast in new DC Jim Schwartz's blitz-driven scheme-which made his value to the Browns D even higher than it's been in the past.     

Honorable Mentions: Micah Parsons (Cowboys), DaRon Bland (Cowboys), Jessie Bates III (Falcons) 

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Puka Nacua (Rams)

No disrespect to C.J. Stroud and the stunning seismic leap forward the Texans made this season behind his tremendous play under center, but he wasn't quite able to land at the top of the hierarchy for his position. Nacua, on the other hand, was able to pull of that stunning feat. Not only did the 5th round pick out of BYU manage to usurp the great Cooper Kupp as the Rams top wideout, he shattered the league's rookie records for receptions (105) and receiving YDS (1,486). On top of that, he was able to earn All-Pro honors at one of the most talent-rich positions in the league and immediately established himself as an elite route-runner and tough, reliable pass-catcher that can step up when the lights are the brightest. Pretty damn impressive for a kid who was effectively unknown to 99.9% of the football world prior to Week 1.      

Honorable Mentions: C.J. Stroud (Texans), Rashee Rice (Chiefs), Sam LaPorta (Lions)

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Devon Witherspoon (Seahawks)

The Seahawks defense didn't provide much reason for excitement this year as they finished in the bottom 10 in nearly every valuable metric that didn't involve the pass-rush. About the only player that wasn't an edge guy who shined for them this year was Witherspoon. In a tough year for their secondary headlined by Tariq Woolen's disheartening year #2 regression and awful safety play from everybody excluding Julian Love, Witherspoon that he's capable of being a top corner in this league. He gracefully handled his coverage assignments (58.3% completion PCT/450 YDS allowed), showed a willingness to get his hands dirty as a tackler/blitzer (79 tackles, 3 sacks, 8 TFL's, 4 QB hits) and even iced a game with a 98-YD pick 6 against the Giants in Week 4. The possibilities of what he'll be able to next year in Mike Macdonald's system are exciting to say the least.     

Honorable Mentions: Jalen Carter (Eagles), Will Anderson (Texans), Kobie Turner (Rams)

Coach of the Year: Dan Campbell (Lions)

Campbell appeared to be building towards something in Detroit ever since he inherited a broken, dispirited team from the disgraced Matt Patricia in 2021 and in his 3rd year on the job, he finally took them from scrappy upstarts to legit contender. The Lions enjoyed their best season since 1991: going 12-5 in the regular season, winning their first division title since 1993 and reaching their 2nd NFC Championship Game in franchise history. It ultimately ended in brutal fashion as per usual with this cursed organization, but that heartbreaking NFC Championship Game collapse can't overshadow all of the winning they accomplished this season and that large collection of W's in a place that hasn't seen a whole lot of them over the years is why Campbell remains my clear choice for COTY.      

Honorable Mentions: DeMeco Ryans (Texans), Sean McVay (Rams), John Harbaugh (Ravens) 

Comeback Player of the Year: Damar Hamlin (Bills)

Yes, Hamlin didn't play much this season and the majority of the snaps he did pick up were on special teams. However, the man dropped dead on the field 13 months ago and managed to return to game action, which is significantly more impressive than coming back from sucking on another team (Baker Mayfield), a bad, injury-plagued season (Matthew Stafford) or just being an old man who came off his couch in November to play surprisingly well for an injury-plagued team (Joe Flacco).

Honorable Mentions: Matthew Stafford (Rams), Baker Mayfield (Buccaneers), Joe Flacco (Browns) 

All-Pro Teams:

Quarterback:

1st team: Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

2nd team: Dak Prescott (Cowboys)

Running Back:

1st team: Christian McCaffery (49ers), Kyren Williams (Rams)

2nd team: James Cook (Bills), Raheem Mostert (Dolphins)

Wide Receiver: 

1st team: Tyreek Hill (Dolphins), CeeDee Lamb (Cowboys)

2nd team: Amon-Ra St. Brown (Lions), Puka Nacua (Rams)

Tight End:

1st team: George Kittle (49ers)

2nd team: Sam LaPorta (Lions)

Tackle:

1st team: Trent Williams (49ers), Penei Sewell (Lions)

2nd team: Jordan Mailata (Eagles), Lane Johnson (Eagles)

Guard:

1st team: Joe Thuney (Chiefs), Chris Lindstorm (Falcons)

2nd team: Tyler Smith (Cowboys), Kevin Dotson (Rams)

Center:

1st team: Frank Ragnow (Lions)

2nd team: Erik McCoy (Saints) 

Defensive End:

1st team: Myles Garrett (Browns), Micah Parsons (Cowboys)

2nd team: Nick Bosa (49ers), Maxx Crosby (Raiders)

Defensive Tackle:

1st team: Dexter Lawrence (Giants), Aaron Donald (Rams)

2nd team: Justin Madubuike (Ravens), Derrick Brown (Panthers)

Outside Linebacker:

1st team: Josh Allen (Jaguars), T.J. Watt (Steelers)

2nd team: Khalil Mack (Chargers), Danielle Hunter (Vikings)

Inside Linebacker:

1st team: DeMario Davis (Saints), Fred Warner (49ers)

2nd team: Roquan Smith (Ravens), C.J. Mosley (Jets)

Cornerback:

1st team: DaRon Bland (Cowboys), Jaylon Johnson (Bears)

2nd team: Sauce Gardner (Jets), Charvarius Ward (49ers)

Safety:

1st team: Jessie Bates III (Falcons), Kyle Hamilton (Ravens)

2nd team: Antoine Winfield Jr. (Buccaneers), Jabrill Peppers (Patriots) 

Kicker:

1st team: Brandon Aubrey (Cowboys)

2nd team: Harrison Butker (Chiefs)

Punter:

1st team: A.J. Cole (Raiders)

2nd team: Bryan Anger (Cowboys)

Return Specialist:

1st team: Kavonate Turpin (Cowboys), Keisean Nixon (Packers)

2nd team: Ihmir Smith-Marsette (Panthers), Rasheed Shaheed (Saints) 

Special Teamer:

1st team: Matthew Adams (Browns)

2nd team: Miles Killebrew (Steelers)

Long Snapper:

1st team: Ross Matisick (Jaguars)

2nd team: Mitchell Fraboni (Broncos) 

Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2024 Predictions:

Willie Anderson, tackle (Teams: Cincinnati Bengals, Baltimore Ravens)

Antonio Gates, tight end (Team: San Diego/Los Angeles Chargers) 

Torry Holt, wide receiver (Teams: St. Louis Rams, Jacksonville Jaguars)

Julius Peppers, defensive end (Teams: Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers) 

Darren Woodson, safety (Team: Dallas Cowboys) 

Who I'd Vote for If I Had a Ballot: 

Jared Allen, defensive end (Teams: Kansas City Chiefs, Minnesota Vikings, Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers) 

Antonio Gates

Devin Hester, return specialist/wide receiver (Teams: Chicago Bears, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Seattle Seahawks)

Julius Peppers

Patrick Willis, inside linebacker (Team: San Francisco 49ers) 

Movie Review: Argylle

 

This whole making movies thing is pretty new for the Apple corporation as they just entered the entertainment space in the late 2010's. When you pair an effectively bottomless corporate bank account with a desire to lure subscribers to a streaming service that has the thinnest catalog of third-party programming of any major platform, you get a situation where executives are hurling obscene amounts of money at writers/directors with cache in the industry to make shit that will hopefully get audiences excited enough to sign up for Apple TV+ and stick around to see what else they have to offer to atone for their lack of marginally popular basic cable series from 10-20 years ago. Enter Argylle-an ensemble spy action comedy from Matthew Vaughn (Kingsman trilogy, Kick-Ass) and one of the first mainstream blockbusters the company acquired the rights to. Vaughn and co. should consider themselves blessed to have cashed out when Apple was still green enough in Hollywood to throw out $200+ million paydays without hesitation because their days of greenlighting movies like Argylle are likely numbered.

The setup of Argylle is simple enough: A reclusive spy novelist (Bryce Dallas Howard) has her quiet life abruptly shattered when she encounters a real-life spy (Sam Rockwell) on a train and learns that the bestselling franchise (also called Argylle) she wrote has correctly predicted real espionage events around the globe and there are some very powerful people that want to intimidate, kidnap and/or kill her on account of her unusual gift. What ensues after this situation that was very cleanly depicted in the trailer is roughly 100 consecutive minutes of pervasively silly anarchy. Seriously, the audacity of the stupidity that Vaughn cooks up here is simply stunning to witness. It's almost like Vaughn was trying to see just how far he could go with the cartoonish nature of the film before someone at Apple reigned him in and they seemingly never did.

The plot twists become so frequent by the time the second act rolls around that it's actually surprising when someone or something is actually on the level. The action sequences are a frenzied combination of Vaughn's love of staging video game-esque moments of rapid-fire mass carnage and his secret desire to become a song-and-dance man. Vaughn even manages to give the insane Hitler tease from The King's Man a run for its money with a mid-credits scene that delivers one final bizarre blast of stupidity before the auditorium lights come back on.     

As somebody whose limit for over-the-top absurdity in action movies is nearly infinite, I found Argylle to be an entertaining, well-casted romp that got better as it got sillier. For a lot of other people, its unrelenting stupidity is going to make one of the most painful watches they've endured in recent history. Unleashing something so dumb and whacky onto audiences expecting something like Kingsman or even just a more straight-down-the-middle spy movie is a pretty horrible idea considering that audiences are arguably fickler than ever, especially since Apple elected to release it widely in theaters where word-of-mouth continues to hold its greatest weight. Regardless of the questionable economics attached to every stage of its release, I'm glad that a movie like Argylle was given the chance to exist and I hope that its commercial and critical failure won't stop other filmmakers from having the courage to fully embrace their inner unapologetic goofy idiot like Vaughn did here. 

Grade: B                      

Top 10 Movie Action Sequences of 2023

Honorable Mentions:

"Paladin Shows Off His Skills"-Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJSg-DruIWk

"Letty vs. Cypher"-Fast X

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIYLines9lw

"Berlin Nightclub"-John Wick: Chapter 4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIeZAMgX95A

"Jason Statham vs. Everybody"-Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr3-_-gJhek

"Apartment Fight"-Renfield

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGe6ZlTCCPA

10."Gerard Butler vs. Rebels"-Plane

 

True one shot fight scenes are a rare breed in Hollywood these days given how difficult they are to pull off without the assistance of subtle cuts and/or CG trickery, which makes the appearance of this intense yet surprisingly grounded sequence from Plane an unexpected delight that proves Butler is still a capable action star in his early 50's.    

9.:"Apartment Fight"-The Killer

 

David Fincher made the one true fight scene in his assassin character study really count. The visceral sound design and bone-crunching choreography do a tremendous job of conveying that these two men have only one goal in this knock-down, drag-out fight: terminating their opponent by any means necessary.         

8. "Airlock Fight"-Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3

 

The final major action sequence of James Gunn's Guardians of the Galaxy trilogy delivers in a big way as the team bands together to slickly and efficiently roll through a horde of The High Evolutionary's (Chukwudi Iwuji) goons in a scene that feels like a comic book panel in the best possible way.   

 7."Battle of Austerlitz"-Napoleon

 

History buffs will have a field day with all of the inaccuracies on display here (and they seemingly posted every single one of them in the comment section of this very video), but I found Ridley Scott's take on the Battle of Austerlitz to be an incredible snapshot of his unparalleled gift for staging exhilarating massive-scale battle sequences.     

 6."High Rise Fight"-Extraction 2

 

Chris Hemsworth using gym equipment to absolutely obliterate a team of mercenaries is one of the most magical movie moments in recent history. I guess the rest of the scene is pretty cool too.  

5."Venice Chase"-Mission-Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One

 

Combining humor, the constant threat of danger and jaw-dropping stunt driving, this lengthy chase through the streets of Venice represents the best of Tom Cruise's continued dedication to making big action movies with as much real shit in them as possible.    

4."Dragon's Breath Shootout"-John Wick: Chapter 4

 

One of the most creative, badass setpieces Chad Stahelski and co. have ever put together for a John Wick movie. The seamlessness of the overhead camerawork/editing is astounding and the man getting lit on fire, running into another room then almost immediately getting lit on fire again is an incredible visual gag that is easily among the funniest movie moments of 2023.  

3."Osaka"-John Wick: Chapter 4

 

This is really only a portion of what makes the longest consecutive action setpiece in John Wick: Chapter 4 standout. It makes for a great introduction to Donnie Yen's scene-stealing Cain, features arguably the sickest choreography of the entire movie with Rina Sawayama's bow-and-arrow-wielding Akira and the film's production design/cinematography shines particularly bright throughout this sequence.        

2."Prison Break"-Extraction 2 

 

The initial segment of Extraction 2's 21-minute oner is just pure brutal bliss full of pristine editing, precise camerawork and kills that pack a serious punch.  

 1."Arch de Triomphe"-John Wick: Chapter 4

A fight scene that takes place in active traffic is one of the wildest things I've ever seen in an action movie. I can't even begin to conceive how they were able to make this work as the logistics of which car is going where, who is getting hit by what and what the set looks like vs. what's going to appear on screen (they shot this scene at an abandoned airport in Germany and not the actual Arch de Trimophe in Paris) seem basically impossible. But thankfully they were able to put it together and their collective proficiency and dedication to the craft of action filmmaking resulted in a scene that will never ever be forgotten by genre diehards for the rest of time.