Michael B. Jordan Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Michael B. Jordan-whose latest project "Creed III" releases in theaters on Thursday.

Michael B. Jordan's Filmography Ranked:

13.A Journal for Jordan (C-)

12.Fantastic Four (C)

11.Red Tails (B-)

10.That Awkward Moment (B-)

9.Without Remorse (B)

8.Hardball (B)

7.Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (B+)

6.Chronicle (B+)

5.Creed II (A) 

4.Just Mercy (A)

3.Creed (A)

2.Black Panther (A)

1.Fruitvale Station (A)

Top Dog: Fruitvale Station (2013)

The sheer depth of the talent that Jordan and Ryan Coogler possessed became clear within the first few minutes of watching Fruitvale Station. Their ability to paint an empathetic, honest picture of Oscar Grant as a man trying to pick up the pieces of his life after being released from prison in the hours before he was murdered by a transit cop in Oakland on January 1, 2009 serves as a devastating, urgent reminder of the human beings that are on the other end of these all-too-frequent headlines of police brutality that ends in the death of an unarmed civilian. 

Bottom Feeder: A Journal for Jordan (2021)

At the core of A Journal for Jordan sits a really heartfelt true story about a timeless romance (Jordan and Chante Adams-who have terrific chemistry) that was cut short by the husband being killed overseas while serving in the military and the positive impact that a father had on the son that never really got to know through a journal of letters he wrote for him to read once he got older. Through some stagnant direction by Denzel Washington and a script that choose to handle themes of grief, loss, etc. primarily through cheap melodrama-particularly in the latter half, this tale loses its connection to the real world and significantly dulls its emotional impact in the process.

Most Underrated: Creed II (2018)

Calling Creed II underrated is probably a bit of a stretch, but the reception was a bit less enthusiastic than the original and I believe that it's just as good, which is ultimately enough for me to justify giving it that distinction. Steven Caple Jr. admirably fills the shoes of the great Ryan Coogler by making another exhilarating yet powerful film about legacy, family and people finally gaining the strength to confront the pain they've caused others in the past.

Most Overrated: None

Jordan's relatively small filmography paired with my love for his most revered movies (Black Panther, Chronicle, Just Mercy, Fruitvale Station, the Creed series) has prevented him from having a single film that qualifies for consideration here. May this streak continue for as long as humanly possible.  

Biggest Missed Opportunity: Fantastic Four (2015)

I strongly believe that Fantastic Four is the most glaringly obvious and damaging case of studio interference on a movie that I've ever witnessed. 20th Century Fox hacked up the final cut so much that it only runs for 100 minutes and may be the only movie I've ever seen that has no middle as it jumps from the setup to the finale with no real transition to speak of.  Despite all of these glaring issues with the version that was released, there's so much potential for a compelling darker, more character-driven take on these iconic heroes' origins residing in this hollow shell of a movie and if Josh Trank had simply been allowed to execute his vision as intended, I believe this movie could've been pretty damn good.  

Movie Review: Cocaine Bear

Universal Pictures' public service of producing movies that no other major studio has the courage to regularly make right now continues to be the gift that keeps on giving. Their latest $30 million donation to the sicko arts resulted in the birth of Cocaine Bear, which rides its absurd premise all the way to the promised land where future cult classics are born.  

If Charlie's Angels was viewed as some kind of setback for the progress of Elizabeth Banks' directorial career, Cocaine Bear is the movie where any lingering doubts over her directorial ability promptly go out the window. Not only is she able to produce big laughs by delivering the self-aware horror comedy camp with a level of flare and energy that suits a movie about a bear that starts killing people once it starts eating the dozens of kilos of coke that a notorious drug smuggler (Matthew Rhys) dropped in the Georgia forest where they reside, she finds ways to throw in some surprises without ever straying too far from the film's core B-movie mission statement. 

The varying sets of motivations each character has for being in the forest the day (ex: Keri Russell is a single mother looking for her daughter and her daughter's friend who skipped school that day to go paint a cave wall, Ray Liotta plays a drug kingpin who tasks his errand boys O'Shea Jackson Jr. and Alden Ehrenreich-who happens to be his son-with securing the coke, Margo Martindale is a hot-headed park ranger who is fed up with people coming into the forest and not respecting serenity of nature) directly dictates how they behave once they encounter the bear, a vast majority of the kills materialize in such gruesome, unexpected ways that each death is accompanied with a visceral shock to system and there's an absurdist streak to the humor that pairs beautifully with the playfulness that naturally inhabits campy material and helps a lot of the punchlines land with a greater impact. It's hard to imagine any director who could've struck a better balance of comedy, horror/gore and characterization with this material and based on the level of enthusiasm that was in my theater along with what I've heard anecdotally online, Banks' approach satisfied a lot of people who went to see Cocaine Bear this past weekend. 

After sitting on it for a few days, I can say with complete confidence that Cocaine Bear is the 1st movie of 2023 that I truly loved. Watching a movie execute its gameplan with such passion and precision from everybody involved (on top of Banks' direction, the script from Jimmy Warden and performances from Ehrenreich, Martindale and Isiah Whitlock Jr. as a dog-loving cop in pursuit of Liotta's character manage to stand out) is such a joy, especially when those winning efforts are enhanced when the film is consumed by an engaged crowd in a public space. Keep these genre dice rolls coming Universal. There's a whole contingent of gleeful weirdos that are counting on you. 

Grade: B+

Ray Liotta Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank franchises or filmographies from worst to best and hand out assorted superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the films of Ray Liotta-whose latest project "Cocaine Bear" is in theaters now.

Ray Liotta's Filmography Ranked:

21.Wild Hogs (D+)

20.Killing Them Softly (C-)

19.Hubie Halloween (C)

18.Observe and Report (C)

17.Revolver (C+)

16.No Sudden Move (B-)

15.Identity (B-)

14.John Q (B-)

13.Muppets Most Wanted (B)

12.Youth in Revolt (B)

11.Date Night (B)

10.The Place Beyond the Pines (B)

9.Narc (B)

8.Blow (B+)

7.Field of Dreams (B+)

6.Kill the Messenger (A-)

5.Cop Land (A-)

4.Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (A)

3.Smokin' Aces (A)

2.Marriage Story (A)

1.Goodfellas (A+)

Top Dog: Goodfellas (1990)

Martin Scorsese made the ultimate rise-and-fall crime saga by simply staging the shit out of a story that easily could've morphed into something trite and familiar. With his straightforward yet detailed and stylish approach to the fact-based material, Scorsese allows the audience to understand what attracted to Henry Hill (Liotta in his finest hour as an actor) to initially join the mafia as a poor Italian-American kid from Brooklyn, the moral decay and relentless danger that comes with associating with unpredictable killers (Joe Pesci, Robert de Niro) and how his empire built on greed, betrayal and violence ultimately crumbles beneath him in spectacular, abrupt fashion. It's tragic. It's funny. It's enthralling. It's one of the best movies I've ever seen.  

Bottom Feeder: Wild Hogs (2007)

Fun fact: Wild Hogs was the last movie Disney ever released under the Touchstone Pictures label. Wild Hogs being the swan song for an iconic brand manages to be significantly funnier than any joke that appears in this movie that a lot of people that were 40-65 at the time thought was a stitch (this movie made an astonishing $168 million at the domestic box office-which was more than fellow 2007 releases Superbad, Enchanted and Live Free or Die Hard). Wild Hogs is nothing more than a largely unfunny epic-length sitcom episode with a movie budget that is above the talents of everyone in its cast (John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Marisa Tomei, Liotta) besides Tim Allen-who is very much at home working with such lazy material. 

Most Underrated: Cop Land (1997)

James Mangold dropped a sneak attack on audiences when he packed a collection of stars known for gritty meathead action/crime fare (Sylvester Stallone, Robert de Niro, Harvey Kietel, Liotta, Robert Patrick) into a melancholic, slow burn take on the corrupt cop movie. That "false advertising" caused the movie to kind of fade into obscurity after its so-so run at the box office, which is really unfortunate since it's a terrific early showcase of Mangold's gifts as a director as well as a much-needed reminder that Stallone has a ton of dramatic acting talent that Hollywood has rarely allowed him to show off since.  

Most Overrated: No Sudden Move (2021)

In its early stages, No Sudden Move is a vintage Steven Soderbergh crime thriller that's loaded with style, intrigue and charismatic performances. In its latter half, it completely loses its way by widening the scope of the story to the point where it becomes needlessly overstuffed and unfocused and deciding to end things on an infuriatingly anticlimactic note.

Best Non-Crime Movie Performance: Marriage Story (2019)

Liotta did a brilliant job of playing against type as the prolific divorce attorney Adam Driver's character hires to help him "win" his divorce/custody proceedings with his estranged wife (Scarlett Johnsson). By playing the character in a completely forthright manner, he's able to showcase just how much nasty, performative bullshit goes into the day-to-day work of a divorce attorney and how the people that excel the most in this field are able to flip a switch as soon as they're out of the courtroom that allows them to completely ignore the severe repercussions these proceedings are going to have on a group of people's lives. Especially now that he's gone, it really sucks that he couldn't secure an Oscar nomination for his performance. 

2022-23 NBA Midseason Awards

Top Player: Nikola Jokic (Nuggets)

Denying Jokic's MVP bid for 2022-23 on the grounds of him winning it the past 2 years is asinine. What the Joker is doing every night to help the Nuggets win games is incredible (he's currently averaging a triple double and on pace to set new career bests in assists, shooting percentage and 3-point percentage) and considering how great he's been in recent years, I think people are starting to take his excellence for granted in a way that we haven't seen in the league since LeBron James in the mid 2010's after he left the Heat to go back to the Cavs.  

Honorable Mentions: Luka Doncic (Mavericks), Giannis Antetokounmpo (Bucks), Joel Embiid (76ers) 

Top Defensive Player: Brook Lopez (Bucks)

It really wasn't evident how much the Bucks missed having Lopez-who missed the majority of the regular season last year with a back injury-in their starting lineup until the start of this year. The 34-year old has seamlessly slid back into the role of defensive anchor for Milwaukee and his combination of fierce rim protection and ability to slide out to the perimeter and contest 3's has been a big part of why they've climbed up to 3rd in defensive rating after finishing 14th in 2021-22.

Honorable Mentions: OG Anouby (Raptors), Nicolas Claxton (Nets), Dillion Brooks (Grizzlies)

Most Improved: Lauri Markkanen (Jazz) 

Back in September, Markkanen was viewed as simply a pot sweetener for the Jazz in the Donovon Mitchell trade. 5 months later, the Finnish forward made the 1st career All-Star game appearance. Getting more opportunity to shoot after falling out of favor in Chicago after a solid start to his career and being a complementary piece to Darius Garland, Jarrett Allen and Evan Mobley in Cleveland has done wonders for Markkanen's ability to impact the game-as he's averaging nearly 25 points per game, shooting 41% from deep and hitting over 51% of his shots from the field.

Honorable Mentions: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (Thunder), Tyrese Haliburton (Pacers), Nicolas Claxton (Nets) 

Top Rookie: Paolo Banchero (Magic)

While the Magic are still very far away from contending, adding Banchero has unquestionably bolstered the long-term outlook for their young corps. His toughness and willingness to compete on both ends of the floor has been mighty impressive and although his shooting touch needs work (41.9 FG%, 28.1% from 3), his willingness to keep firing and ability to hit some tough looks is a good sign that more efficient scoring days are ahead for the reigning #1 pick.

Honorable Mentions: Keegan Murray (Kings), Benedict Mathurin (Pacers), Jaden Ivey (Pistons)

Top 6th Man: Malcolm Brogdon (Celtics)

Perhaps the most unsung part of the Celtics dominant start to the season has been the play of Brogdon. He was brought to Boston to provide a desperately needed spark off the bench and with his lethal outside shooting, smooth facilitation of the second unit offense and terrific fit in the Celtics constant switch-driven defense, he's delivered just that on a nightly basis.  

Honorable Mentions: Norman Powell (Clippers), Tyrese Maxey (76ers), Bobby Portis (Bucks)

Top Coach: Mike Brown (Kings) 

No disrespect to Joe Mazzulla-who has done a terrific job of navigating a very difficult situation in Boston that saw him take over for Ime Udoka a month before the season by keeping the team playing at a high level in the face of an uncomfortable off-court situation, but Mike Brown went to the current worst franchise in the 4 major American sports leagues and has them on the cusp of breaking their NBA-record 16-year playoff drought in his 1st season on the job. They've already won more games at the All-Star break this year (33) than they did in the entire 2021-22 season (30) and the emphasis on offensive ball movement and spacing that he brought over from Golden State has catapulted them all the way to #1 in the league in scoring and #2 in offensive rating.

Honorable Mentions: J.B. Bickerstaff (Cavailers), Joe Mazzulla (Celtics), Mike Malone (Nuggets)

Movie Review: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

When it comes to fan complaints about the post-Endgame MCU projects, the lack of a bigger, interconnected narrative has been atop the list. It's not a secret that The Multiverse will ultimately serve as the road map for this chapter of the Marvel saga, but outside of Loki and some sproadic usage in Spider-Man: No Way Home and Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, this ambitious timeline-hopping concept has been more of a looming future threat than a materialized plan thus far. Kevin Feige and co. decided that the Ant-Man franchise-which had previously served as a "palette cleanser" between the MCU's higher stakes entries -would be responsible for accelerating the development of the Multiverse and well, that plan didn't exactly go well. 

As depicted in the trailer, Quantumania focuses on an unplanned trip to the Quantum Realm that is initiated when aspiring scientist Cassie Lang-who has aged about 12 years since Endgame for some reason and is now played by Kathryn Newton-shows off a satellite that can make contact with this magical world that everybody from her father (Paul Rudd) to his current girlfriend (Evangeline Lilly) and her parents (Michelle Phiffer, Michael Douglas) have a long history with. Once Cassie escalates this show and tell by turning the power button on, it's only a matter of moments before the whole damn family gets sucked down into the Quantum Realm and are forced to battle the dangerous tyrant Kang the Conqueror (Jonathan Majors) that presides over this weird, dangerous little galaxy if they want to make it back home alive.  

Once this Quantum Realm vacation occurs around the 15-minute mark of the movie, it becomes immediately apparent that the comedy-centric team of director Peyton Reed (Bring It On, the previous two Ant-Man movies) and writer Jeff Loveness (Rick and Morty, Jimmy Kimmel Live!) have no clue how to handle material that requires them to table their goofiness. This sprawling world full of unusual creatures, landscapes and people is so visually plain and nondescript in character that it feels as mundane as any boring place on Earth. Despite the massive implications this film is going to have on the broader MCU, there's such a lack of urgency and clarity behind the story (the amount of plot points that are introduced only to be promptly discarded is staggering) that it makes all of the events feel strangely weightless. The closest thing Quantumania has to coherent storytelling is another series of expositional monologue dumps about the rules of the Multiverse-which is both completely unnecessary following Loki doing the exact same thing for 6 hours and pretty insulting to the viewer's intelligence as Disney thinks people need 8+ hours of handholding to properly explain a concept that really isn't all that difficult to comprehend.  After a promising sequence at the start of the second act that details the past relationship between them, Majors' imposing Kang and Phiffer's vulnerable badass Janet van Dym aren't given nearly enough to do as the film decides to pivot to rapidly cycling through about 65 more of the aforementioned grossly underdeveloped subplots before pulling out the old Marvel staple of a big monotonous action finale where CGI people slam into each other until the good guys win. To put as mildly as possible, it would be a questionable choice to hire Reed or Loveness to handle another project like this again in the future (given how poorly received Quantumania has been for a Marvel title, it wouldn't be a shock if Loveness got replaced as the writer for Avengers: The Kang Dynasty)

It's equally disheartening, head-scratching and ridiculous that a film that is so valuable to the MCU canon could be so bland and poorly made. This is the type of joyless, sterile mess that could promptly derail a would-be franchise in its infancy, not something constructed by a well-oiled machine that has been the envy of all of Hollywood for the past 15 years. I'm not going to pull out the "oh shit, Marvel is in trouble!!!" like some people have after watching this, but they should absolutely treat the embarrassing ineptitude of Quantumania as a lesson in why hiring individuals that have the right vision and passion to make a given movie work will be crucial to keeping this gravy train from flying off the rails. 

Grade: D+   

Movie Review: Your Place or Mine

Showing their dedication to embracing the bleak future of the arts, Netflix has decided to become an early adopter of AI-generated content with the release of their latest romantic comedy Your Place or Mine. This technology-driven creation stars Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher as longtime best friends living on opposite sides of the United States who've suppressed their true feelings for each other for 20 years. After Witherspoon's babysitter (Rachel Bloom) lands an acting gig in Vancouver the night before she's set to travel to New York for a week-long course on corporate accounting, Kutcher's NYC-based character volunteers to fly out to LA to watch her teenage son (Wesley Kimmel) so she can fulfill her obligations. 

Once they land in respective destinations, all sorts of thoroughly unpredictable shit ensues. Kutcher quickly bonds with the kid who he hadn't seen in person since he was a toddler. Jesse Williams wins the attention of Witherspoon through their shared loved of literature and experiences as single parents. Zoe Chao, Tig Nataro and Steve Zahn all show up to provide comic relief and key monologues that help the main character's work acknowledge their unspoken love for each other. All of these developments draw a straight line to the grand finale:  Kutcher and Witherspoon ultimately confess their love for each other in an argument scene at LAX that suddenly turns romantic after a sentimental gesture comes to light. Congrats robots, you just wrote your first romantic comedy!!!! 

The funny thing about robots or in this case, humans that crafted something just feels like it was made by robots is that no amount of advanced programming can give them the instincts or emotional intelligence of a human being. They're completely beholden to the data of their code and while that's great for determining results on a search engine or running mass-scale calculations for an insurance company, it's fucking worthless when it's tasked to do a job that is driven by the creator's understanding of what makes a movie compelling for the independently sentient that's watching it. If the brain of a living, breathing person with full cognitive capabilities and no desire to satisfy an algorithm was behind any of the creative choices in Your Place or Mine, they probably would've recognized that Witherspoon and Kutcher have zero chemistry, there wasn't a single convincing bit of human emotion in the script and that a romantic comedy should contain more than just a little bit of romance and comedy if it's setting out to be a successful romantic comedy. 

Your Place or Mine has zero respect for the genre and what its audience wants or expects from the genre, which is particularly stunning given that both the writer/director Aline Brosh McKenna (The Devil Wears Prada, 27 Dresses) and Netflix (Set It Up, Always Be My Maybe) have pretty good track records of success with romantic comedies. Computers don't know a god damn thing about storytelling or the heart and soul of moviemaking and humans that make movies for a living should stop trying to emulate their cold, analytical approach while they're working in an artform that was perfected by their own species.     

Grade: D+

Sebastian Stan Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Sebastian Stan-whose latest project "Sharper" is in select theaters now and begins streaming on Apple TV+ tomorrow. 

Sebastain Stan's Filmography Ranked:

17.Gone (D)

16.The Covenant (D)

15.Captain America: The First Avenger (C+)

14.Captain America: The Winter Solider (C+)

13.The 355 (B)

12.Destroyer (B)

11.Rachel Getting Married (B)

10.Captain America: Civil War (B)

9.Fresh (B)

8.The Devil All the Time (B)

7.Logan Lucky (B)

6.The Martian (B+)

5.Avengers: Endgame (A-)

4.Hot Tub Time Machine (A)

3.I, Tonya (A)

2.Avengers: Infinity War (A)

1.Black Swan (A)

Top Dog: Black Swan (2010)

Thinking about the brilliance of Black Swan just a mere couple months after watching the manipulative melodramatic circus that was The Whale is making me kind of sad about the massive rut Darren Aronofsky has fallen into recently. Where The Whale goes for tears by effectively pummeling the viewer until they submit to crying, Black Swan taps into feelings of paranoia, jealously and fanatical dedication to creating art by viscerally telling a story through the disturbed eyes of ballerina Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman in one of the most stunning performances I've ever seen in a film). As Nina's grip on reality continues to worsen as she becomes completely consumed with giving a flawless performance in a production of Swan Lake-in which she is set to play the dual lead role of the graceful White Swan and the insidious Black Swan, the film becomes an increasingly vivid hallucinatory nightmare through the twisted materialization of her long-suppressed insecurities surrounding her career, sexuality and relationship with her overbearing mother (Barbara Hershey). It's a deeply disturbing master class in psychological terror and my personal favorite thing that Aronofsky has ever made.     

Bottom Feeder: Gone (2012)

Gone achieves the rare double whammy of being a thriller that's both exceptionally dumb and brutally boring. How Amanda Seyfried got dragged into leading a project this inept at a stage of her career where things were already going well just completely defies comprehension, but fortunately she hasn't stooped quite this low since.   

Most Underrated: Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

Does Hot Tub Time Machine hold up well? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure as it's been about a decade since I've watched it from start to finish. That being said, I did see about 15 minutes of it on HBO recently and it seemed like the combination of kinetic self-aware absurdity and great buddy camaraderie between its leading ensemble (John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke) that made it such an excellent comedy when it was initially released remained fully intact.

Most Overrated: Captain America: The Winter Solider (2014)

While Winter Solider features some of the better choreographed fight scenes in the MCU and a great lead performance from Chris Evans-who really blossomed into the role of Captain America after a somewhat shaky inaugural turn in The First Avenger, its lethargic pacing and overwhelmingly convoluted plot make the film a pretty frustrating mixed bag overall. 

Top 10 Movie Action Sequences of 2022

After some self-imposed delays to do some quality control on the list, my celebration of 2022's finest movie action sequences has finally arrived. While there weren't any truly unbelievable sequences like the simulated one take from Extraction, the climactic warehouse fight from Nobody or the police station scene from Birds of Prey delivered in the first years of the 2020's, there was still a healthy amount of inventive, well-choreographed action that elevated the quality of the films they appeared in this past year. Videos all of 10 scenes are below (for now at least, several of these will be gone in short order due to YouTube's wonderful copyright policy). Hope you enjoy and see you next year for-which should be a doozy with new John Wick, Mission-Impossible and Extraction movies on the docket for 2023. 

Honorable Mentions:

"Hospital Fight" (The Gray Man) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_mQ1SJdo4g

"Gym Fight" (The Man from Toronto) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pprnEUHjL7E

"Village Raid" (The Northman) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCF0vvExU-8

"Ram Does Crowd Control" (RRR) (Apologies for the poor quality)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZEPqZemuX8

"Santa Reluctantly Returns to Kicking Ass" (Violent Night) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOyOczqdUxY

10."Iceberg Lounge Fight" (The Batman)

9."The Princess Gets Her Family Out of Jail" (The Princess)

(Note: My apologies for posting for this needlessly long clip that features the full trailer. It was the only video I could find of this fight sequence.) 

8."Waymond Wang vs. Security Guards" (Everything Everywhere All at Once)

7."Santa Gets Creative with Ornaments" (Violent Night)

6."The Ajoujie Ambush" (The Woman King) 

5."Beachside Ambush"(The Big 4)

 

 4."The Chase Scene That Makes Up 75% of Ambulance" (Ambulance)

 

(Note: While I obviously can't just hurl the entire movie onto this page, this 3-minute snippet does a good job of capturing the pandemonium that Michael Bay captured with this movie. It's streaming on Prime Video right now and I can't recommend it enough to anyone who enjoys batshit crazy action movies). 

3."Battle with the Oyo" (The Woman King)

(Note: The final 90 or so seconds of this clip is from the final fight scene, which is especially odd since the rest of this scene is from the middle of the movie) 

 

  2."Clearing a Vampire Hive" (Day Shift)

 

 1."Final Fight" (RRR)

2023 NFL Mock Draft (Pre-Combine)

1.Chicago Bears: Jalen Carter, defensive tackle (Georgia)

2.Houston Texans: Bryce Young, quarterback (Alabama)

3.Arizona Cardinals: Will Anderson, edge rusher (Alabama)

4.Indianapolis Colts: C.J. Stroud, quarterback (Ohio State) 

5.Seattle Seahawks: Tyree Wilson, edge rusher (Texas Tech)

6.Detroit Lions: Brian Branch, safety (Alabama)

7.Las Vegas Raiders: Peter Skoronski, tackle (Northwestern)

8.Atlanta Falcons: Myles Murphy, edge rusher (Clemson)

9.Carolina Panthers: Will Levis, quarterback (Kentucky)

10.Philadelphia Eagles: Devon Witherspoon, cornerback (Illinois) 

11.Tennessee Titans: Christian Gonzalez, cornerback (Oregon)

12.Houston Texans: Paris Johnson Jr., tackle (Ohio State) 

13.New York Jets: Broderick Jones, tackle (Georgia) 

14.New England Patriots: Drew Sanders, inside linebacker (Arkansas) 

15.Green Bay Packers: Quentin Johnston, wide receiver (TCU) 

16.Washington Commanders: Cam Smith, cornerback (South Carolina) 

17.Pittsburgh Steelers: Joey Porter Jr., cornerback (Penn State) 

18.Detroit Lions: Michael Mayer, tight end (Notre Dame) 

19.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bijan Robinson, running back (Texas)

20.Seattle Seahawks: Bryan Breesee, defensive tackle (Clemson) 

21.Los Angeles Chargers: Deonte Banks, cornerback (Maryland)

22.Baltimore Ravens: Zay Flowers, wide receiver (Boston College) 

23.Minnesota Vikings: Keelee Ringo, cornerback (Georgia)

24.Jacksonville Jaguars: Darnell Washington, tight end (Georgia)

25.New York Giants: Jordan Addison, wide receiver (USC)

26.Dallas Cowboys: O'Cyrus Torrance, guard (Florida) 

27.Buffalo Bills: Lukas Van Ness, edge rusher (Iowa) 

28.Cincinnai Bengals: John Michael Schmitz, center/guard (Minnesota) 

29.New Orleans Saints: Anthony Richardson, quarterback (Florida) 

30.Philadelphia Eagles: Antonio Johnson, safety (Texas A&M)

31.Kansas City Chiefs: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, wide receiver (Ohio State) 

Super Bowl 57 Prediction

Conference Championship Record: 1-1 (Correct: Eagles Incorrect: Bengals)

Overall Playoff Record: 9-3

Philadelphia Eagles over Kansas City Chiefs:

For the 4th straight year, I have zero confidence in my Super Bowl pick. On paper, this very well could be the most even Super Bowl matchup since Seahawks/Patriots all the way back in 2014. These were the 2 best teams in the league for the vast majority of the season and their paths to the big game were driven by two of the most surefire ways to win games in the NFL: suffocating defense paired with opportunistic, creative offense (Eagles) and a lights out QB that is capable of carrying the team on his shoulders complemented by a smart, aggressive defense that is capable of making plays when they need to (Chiefs).

While Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid have the clear advantage over Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirianni in the ever-important QB/head coach battle, the Eagles have the advantage in most other areas. Mahomes struggled against good pass defenses like the Texans and Broncos this season and this #1 ranked Philly group is notably better/deeper than both of them. Starting outside corner duo Darius Slay and James Bradberry match up well against their top receivers (JuJu Smith-Schuster, Marquez Valdes-Scantling) and they have enough reinforcements with the likes of Chauncey Gardner-Johnson, Marcus Epps, Avonte Maddox and T.J. Edwards to try and limit Travis Kelce's production via the double or triple team or just good old-fashioned physicality at the line of scrimmage before he can get into his route.

On top of that, the Chiefs defense has had some trouble with stopping the run of late (the Jaguars gained 144 YDS on just 19 attempts in the Divisional Round)-which is something that Shane Steichen could really exploit with the 3-pronged rushing attack of Hurts, Miles Sanders and Kenneth Gainwell that drove the Eagles top 5 ground game this season and Steve Spagnuolo's aggressive blitzing that worked so well against the Jaguars and Bengals isn't likely to make as much of an impact against a rock-solid Eagles offensive line that is coming off an otherworldly performance against a 49ers front that has even more pass-rushing firepower than the Chiefs.

What could end up breaking this game for the Eagles is the play of a clearly hobbled Hurts. The lingering shoulder injury that caused him to miss 2 regular season games before he returned for the regular season finale against the Giants has caused him to miss some routine intermediate-to-deep throws that he typically makes at a high clip in all 3 games he's played since returning to action and if the Chiefs are able to build an early lead that forces the fate of the game onto Hurts' arm, the Eagles could be in big trouble. But if their defense shows up and balls out like they have all season and the offense is able to unleash their usual balanced attack, a 2nd Lombardi Trophy should be on its way to Philadelphia.    

Reese Witherspoon Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Reese Witherspoon-whose latest project "Your Place or Mine" releases on Netflix tomorrow. 

Reese Witherspoon's Filmography Ranked:

16.Legally Blonde 2 (F)

15.Sweet Home Alabama (F)

14.Monsters vs. Aliens (C-)

13.Sing (C)

12.This Means War (C)

11.Just Like Heaven (C)

10.Wild (C)

9.Legally Blonde (C)

8.Water for Elephants (C)

7.Little Nicky (B-)

6.Election (B-)

5.Cruel Intentions (B-)

4.Pleasantville (B)

3.Mud (B)

2.Walk the Line (B)

1.American Psycho (A)

Top Dog: American Psycho (2000)

Director/co-writer Mary Herron, her co-writer Guinevere Turner and a pre-superstardom Christian Bale touched the sun with their brilliant adaptation of Brett Easton Ellis' darkly comedic cult classic novel that submerges the viewer into the mind of a psychopath while also taking a blowtorch to the shallow, narcissistic culture of greed, toxic masculnity and consumerism that shaped Patrick Bateman and the millions of people like him that actually exist.    

Bottom Feeder: Legally Blonde 2 (2003)

While I wasn't exactly a huge fan of the original Legally Blonde, the nosedive in quality it took with its sequel is astronomical. Whatever scrappy underdog charm Elle Woods had in the previous installment is completely erased courtesy of Witherspoon turning in the most apathetic performance of her career, the attempts at working sincere political drama into the plot are laughably bad and worst of all, the jokes are mostly just brutally unfunny retreads of the same "dumb blonde" jokes that often didn't land with any meaningful impact the first time around.    

Most Underrated: Mud (2013)

It takes a little bit to find its footing, but once it does, Mud turns into a gritty, atmospheric coming-of-age drama meets Southern Gothic thriller driven by the unlikely father/son-esque relationship that builds between the title character (a coldly intense Matthew McConaughey in one of his best performances) and 13-year old Ellis (Tye Sheridan-who does a great job of playing an aloof kid whose parents are in the midst of getting divorced whose desperate to seek guidance from any adult who is willing to give it to him) and nuanced portrayal of how something that one person views as an act of love can mean something totally different to the other party involved.

Most Overrated: Legally Blonde (2001)

The movie that sent Witherspoon's career into overdrive and made her arguably the most in-demand romantic comedy lead in Hollywood is a perfectly watchable, slightly amusing film that turns the fish out of water genre on its head by having that fish be an aspiring fashion designer who transfers to Harvard Law School to get back at her douchey ex-boyfriend (Matthew Davis) who felt she wasn't ambitious or smart enough to be involved in his future life goal of becoming a politician. Despite its merits, I just never felt it was funny or charming enough to live up to its beloved reputation within the genre. 

2022 NFL Year-End Awards+All-Pro Team and Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2023 Predictions

MVP: Patrick Mahomes (Chiefs)

Much has been made about how Mahomes was able to thrive in 2022 without Tyreek Hill and rightfully so given that Hill is an elite, singular talent that was a cornerstone of the Chiefs offense. But what's equally impressive is that he spearheaded the most lethal passing attack in the league and put up a new career high in passing YDS (5,250) with a group that only consisted of 5 players that he'd completed a pass to prior (Travis Kelce, Jerick McKinnon, Noah Gray, Mecole Hardman, Clyde Edwards-Helaire-the latter two of which were sidelined for the final 10+ games). Getting on the same page with a largely new group of pass-catchers (JuJu Smith-Schuster, Marquez Valdes-Scantling and Justin Watson-who ranked 2nd, 3rd and 5th respectively on the team in receiving YDS) that quickly while maintaining an elite level of play is just the latest sign that Mahomes remains on track to be one of the greatest players the NFL has ever seen. 

Honorable Mentions: Jalen Hurts (Eagles), Josh Allen (Bills), Joe Burrow (Bengals) 

Offensive Player of the Year: Justin Jefferson (Vikings)

The most exciting thing about Kevin O'Connell being hired as the Vikings HC last Feburary was imagining all the ways he could utilize Jefferson in a WR-friendly scheme that was responsible for Cooper Kupp's ascent into the top-tier of the league's receivers following his absurd 2021 campaign in which he finished less than 20 yards shy of breaking Calvin Johnson's single-season receiving yards record. While Jefferson didn't quite match Kupp's lofty 2021 output, O'Connell's ability to scheme him open by deploying him all over the field did allow the superstar 3rd-year pro to set new career bests in receptions (128) and receiving YDS (1,809)-both league highs-and added yet another accolade to his rapidly growing resume by breaking Randy Moss' record for the most receiving YDS by a player in their 1st 3 years in the league. Not too shabby for a kid who got drafted right behind Jalen Reagor in 2020.   

Honorable Mentions: Travis Kelce (Chiefs), Josh Jacobs (Raiders), Tyreek Hill (Dolphins) 

Defensive Player of the Year: Chris Jones (Chiefs)

Nick Bosa came mighty close to getting the nod here as he set a new career-high in sacks (18.5) and logged an impressive 19 TFL's in the running game, but as tremendous as he was all season long, he also had an incredible group of running mates on the top defense in the league that granted him the freedom to chase after quarterbacks more than he typically does. Jones managed to be at least just as disruptive as Bosa with significantly less talent surrounding him upfront. The 4x All-Pro matched his career-high in sacks with 15.5, notched 17 TFL's and led the league in QB pressures with a whopping 77.   

Honorable Mentions: Nick Bosa (49ers), Micah Parsons (Cowboys), Myles Garrett (Browns)

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Garrett Wilson (Jets)

A full slate of 17 games played allowed Wilson to pull past his Ohio State running mate Chris Olave in the final month of the season. Wilson weathered one hell of a storm in the form of the Jets comical QB carousel as a rookie (Zach Wilson, Mike White, Joe Flacco and Chris Streveler all started at least 1 game this year) yet amidst all of that turmoil, the kid looked like a future #1 wideout every time he was fortunate enough to get the ball thrown his way. His route-running was exceptional, his burst and toughness made him really difficult to bring down once the ball was in his hands and his candor in post-game interviews showed that he has the makings of a much-needed leader in that young Jets locker room. 

Honorable Mentions: Chris Olave (Saints), Kenneth Walker III (Seahawks), Tyler Allgeier (Falcons)

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Sauce Gardner (Jets)

It's a clean sweep for the Jets in the Rookie of the Year categories. Gardner wasn't just the best defensive rookie, he routinely looked like the best corner in the league during his inaugural stretch of NFL action. Driven by an impeccable nose for the football (2 INT's, a league-high 20 passes defensed) and a combination of fluid movement and fearlessness that allowed him to hold his own against some of the best WR's in the league (he only allowed a single TD and 34 of the 74 passes thrown at him to be completed), Gardner was able to go from the young kid with a target on his back to a feared corner that opponents were afraid to throw at in a matter of months. As lazy and obvious as the Darrelle Revis comparisons are given his history with the Jets, Gardner is making a strong early case that he has what it takes to be the next potential Hall of Fame corner to play for Woody Johnson's team. 

Honorable Mentions: Tariq Woolen (Seahawks), Aidan Hutchinson (Lions), Jaquan Brisker (Bears)

Coach of the Year: Brian Daboll (Giants)

Don't let the Giants ungraceful exit from the playoffs minimize what Daboll did this season. He transformed Daniel Jones from a punchline to a respectable starting QB, re-established a competitve spirit in a locker room that Joe Judge had sucked the life out of over the prior 2 seasons and led a team with hardly any serviceable players, let alone high-end talent to a 9-7-1 record. It's one of the most remarkable turnarounds in recent NFL history and Daboll deserves all the credit in the world for making it happen. 

Honorable Mentions: Nick Siranni (Eagles), Doug Pederson (Jaguars), Kyle Shanahan (49ers)

Comeback Player of the Year: Geno Smith (Seahawks)

Smith had only started 5 games as an injury replacement since he lost the starting gig with the Jets following his 2nd pro season in 2014 prior to being named the Seahawks starter back in August. Everybody who follows the league closely viewed the decision to start Smith as the Seahawks way of waving the white flag and commiting to tanking in order to draft their next potential franchise quarterback in 2023. He made every single one of his many doubters look like the gasbag dipshits that we often are. Smith was a poised, confident presence at QB -throwing for 4,282 YDS/30 TD's/11 INT's and completing a league-high 69.8% of his passes that also managed to help bring back the sense of cohesion and rhythm that the Seahawks didn't have with Russell Wilson in 2021. The Seahawks earning a playoff spot while Wilson imploded in his hand-picked new home in Denver is just the cherry on top of Smith's magical 2022 campaign.   

Honorable Mentions: Christian McCaffery (Panthers/49ers), Saquon Barkley (Giants), Chris Godwin (Buccaneers)

All-Pro Team:

Quarterback:

1st team: Patrick Mahomes (Chiefs)

2nd team: Jalen Hurts (Eagles)

Running Back:

1st team: Josh Jacobs (Raiders), Nick Chubb (Browns)

2nd team: Derrick Henry (Titans), Christian McCaffery (Panthers/49er)

Wide Receiver:

1st team: Justin Jefferson (Vikings), Tyreek Hill (Dolphins)

2nd team: Stefon Diggs (Bills), Davante Adams (Raiders)

Tight End:

1st team: Travis Kelce (Chiefs)

2nd team: George Kittle (49ers)

Tackle:

1st team: Andrew Thomas (Giants), Lane Johnson (Eagles)

2nd team: Trent Williams (49ers), Brian O'Neill (Vikings)

Guard:

1st team: Chris Lindstrom (Falcons), Joel Bitonio (Browns)

2nd team: Joe Thuney (Chiefs), Michael Onwenu (Patriots)

Center:

1st team: Creed Humphrey (Chiefs)

2nd team: Jason Kelce (Eagles)

Defensive End:

1st team: Nick Bosa (49ers), Myles Garrett (Browns)

2nd team: Maxx Crosby (Raiders), Jalean Phillips (Dolphins)

Defensive Tackle:

1st team: Chris Jones (Chiefs), Dexter Lawrence (Giants)

2nd team: Quinnen Williams (Jets), Cameron Heyward (Steelers)

Outside Linebacker:

1st team: Micah Parsons (Cowboys), Haason Reddick (Eagles)

2nd team: Matthew Judon (Patriots), Alex Highsmith (Steelers)

Inside Linebacker:

1st team: Fred Warner (49ers), T.J. Edwards (Eagles)

2nd team: Bobby Wagner (Rams), Nick Bolton (Chiefs)   

Cornerback:

1st team: Sauce Gardner (Jets), Patrick Surtain II (Broncos)

2nd team: Jaire Alexander (Packers), Jalen Ramsey (Rams)

Safety:

1st team: Minkah Fitzpatrick (Steelers), Derwin James (Chargers)

2nd team: Tyrann Mathieu (Saints), Kamren Curl (Commanders)

Kicker:

1st team: Daniel Carlson (Raiders)

2nd team: Jason Myers (Seahawks)

Punter:

1st team: Tommy Townsend (Chiefs)

2nd team: Michael Dickson (Seahawks)

Return Specialist: 

1st team: Keisean Nixon (Packers), Marcus Jones (Patriots)

2nd team: Kene Nwangwu (Vikings), Kalif Raymond (Lions)

Special Teamer:

1st team: Jeremy Reaves (Commanders)

2nd team: George Odum (49ers)

Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2023 predictions:

Torry Holt, wide receiver (Teams: St. Louis Rams, Jacksonville Jaguars)

Darrelle Revis, cornerback (Teams: New York Jets, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, New England Patriots, Kansas City Chiefs)

Joe Thomas, tackle (Team: Cleveland Browns)

Zach Thomas, inside linebacker (Teams: Miami Dolphins, Dallas Cowboys)

DeMarcus Ware, defensive end (Teams: Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos)

What My Ballot Would Look Like If I Could Vote:

Darrelle Revis

Joe Thomas

Zach Thomas

DeMarcus Ware

Patrick Willis, inside linebacker (Team: San Francisco 49ers)

Movie Review: Knock at the Cabin

By all accounts, Knock at the Cabin is about as buttoned up as M. Night Shyamalan will allow a movie of his to be. This one location thriller has a simple premise (4 strangers break into an isolated lakeside cabin and force the family staying there to make an unthinkable choice: sacrifice a member of their family to prevent the apocalypse or save themselves while the rest of the population dies) and  straightforward execution that relies heavily on generating tension from its contained setting and the crucial question of whether or not the family (Jonathan Groff, Ben Alridge, Kristen Cui) believe these strangers (Dave Bautista, Nikki Amuka-Bird, Abby Quinn, Rupert Grint) are telling the truth about this dire situation. After the compelling yet extremely messy Old, setting his sights on a smaller target allowed him to focus more on his direction and it pays off in a big way as Knock at the Cabin is one of the most tightly-assembled movies he's ever made. There's a real urgency to the storytelling as it establishes an uneasy tone in the opening scene in which Bautista suddenly approaches Cui as she catches grasshoppers next to the cabin, the cinematography duo of Jarin Blaschke and Lowell A.Meyer do an excellent job of framing the claustrophobic dread happening inside of the cabin while also exploring the serenity of the surrounding secluded location that further complicates the protagonists questioning of whether or not the horrific events their captors are describing to/showing them via a television news broadcast are actually happening and the performances from the home invaders (especially Bautista-who gives the finest performance of his career in only his 2nd proper leading role) toe the line between compassionate and unsettling so finely that it becomes borderline impossible to determine what their true intentions are.    

Just like his ambition has gotten the best of him in the past, playing it relatively safe here manages to hurt Shyamalan in the area that often makes or breaks his movies: the ending. The big twist in Knock at the Cabin is that there isn't one. The audience gets an inkling of how it could end about a third of the way through and it ends up sticking to that path with no detours. 

My feelings towards the finale only became more ambivalent when I read the summary of the novel Knock at the Cabin is based on (The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay) and discovered that Shyamalan dramatically transformed the final act from something that was bleak and full of rich potential for spirited debates about morality into something vanilla that was significantly easier for mainstream audiences to swallow. While it's understandable that Shyamalan wanted to put his own stamp on the story to differentiate it from the source material, it's shocking that those changes are so predictable and devoid of significant emotional weight. It's really ironic that this is the movie where Shyamalan choose to contain his gonzo side in favor of something more conventional because if he went all out, Knock at the Cabin could've immediately been in the conversation for the title of the best film of his now 15-film deep catalog. 

Grade: B

Movie Review: Shotgun Wedding

Watching a movie that bungles a high concept is so frustrating. Shotgun Wedding-which is the latest case of Amazon getting fleeced by a theatrical distributor (Lionsgate was the used car salesman this time around) that was more than happy to unload a movie they didn't believe in to a deep-pocketed streamer that was thirsty to add another star vehicle to their library-takes this phenomenon of half-assing an inherently fun premise to the next level as it spins what effectively amounts to a perfect game of missed opportunities.

Shotgun Wedding's winning plot outline is as follows: A 40-something couple (Jennifer Lopez, Josh Duhamel) has their dream destination wedding in the Philippines interrupted by a band of masked pirates who take all the guests' hostage until the bride's wealthy father (Cheech Marin) transfers $50 million into their bank account and it's up to the soon-to-be wed couple to save the day. 

Without really getting too crazy in the innovation department, Shotgun Wedding could've headed in at least a few different directions that utilized its setup well. Leaning into the absurdity of the situation by having the leads go all John Wick on the pirates, making some kind of sweet statement on how true love is able to persevere through any crazy, dangerous situation life throws at the couple or even just turning into a semi-twisted buddy movie where the couple discovers a new layer to their relationship by working as a great team in the face of death all feel like the type of gameplans that could've made this little ditty hit the appropriate entertaining notes. Instead, director Jason Moore (Pitch Perfect, Sisters) and writer Mark Hammer (Two Night Stand) approach the material like a soon-to-be-married individual getting cold feet on the day of the ceremony by aimlessly throwing together a somewhat passable yet thoroughly unmemorable stew of comedy, romance and action that is too scared to commit to any one genre, let alone convincingly meld them together. 

Sure, there's a joke here and a quick fight scene there, but they somehow manage to always treat the premise of armed pirates taking wedding guests hostage while the happy couple tries to free them like it's some kind of perfunctory romantic comedy situation that people have seen dozens of times over the past handful of decades. Last fall's Ticket to Paradise-which wasn't exactly a home run either-was built on a foundation of cliched romantic comedy hijinks and even that didn't manage to feel as by-the-numbers as this since it was at least executed with a reverence for that familiar playbook. All Shotgun Wedding manages to do well is keep things moving at a pretty good clip and give Jennifer Coolidge-who plays Duhamel's mother-the space to be funny whenever she's in a scene. Some things here (namely the chemistry between Lopez and Duhamel-which feels more like the dynamic between affable co-workers who know each other decently well rather than soulmates preparing to spend the rest of their lives together) couldn't have been fixed regardless of how far the R-rated romcom meets action movie plot was pushed, but Shotgun Wedding would've been a lot more fun if it simply took the plunge into the great unknown of unlikely genre hybrids instead of lightly dipping its toes in the water for 100 straight minutes.                  

Grade: C+

Dave Bautista Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked"-a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related accolades. This week, I'm profiling the work of Dave Bautista-whose latest project "Knock at the Cabin" releases in theaters tomorrow. 

Dave Bautista's Filmography Ranked:

19.Spectre (C+)

18.Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 (C+)

17.Heist (C+)

16.Riddick (B-)

15.Master Z: The Ip Man Legacy (B-)

14.Final Score (B-)

13.Blade Runner 2049 (B-)

12.Bushwick (B)

11.The Man with the Iron Fists (B)

10.Stuber (B)

9.Hotel Artemis (B)

8.Thor: Love and Thunder (B)

7.My Spy (B)

6.Army of the Dead (B+)

5.Dune (B+)

4.Avengers: Endgame (A-)

3.Glass Onion (A)

2.Avengers: Infinity War (A)

1.Guardians of the Galaxy (A)

Top Dog: Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

The road that led James Gunn to become the creative head of DC's film and television endeavors started with this triumph. Gunn found a way to shakeup what an MCU movie was capable of by turning a group of oddballs with checkered pasts (Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Bautista, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper) into unlikely heroes and building an eccentric, deeply funny and sincerely heartfelt movie around them that allowed audiences to form a connection with them at the same time that the characters were building bonds with each other.  

Bottom Feeder: Spectre (2015)

Save for its thrilling opening sequence in Mexico City and an all-timer of a death scene for Bautista's character, Spectre is a thoroughly half-assed Bond vehicle with iffy pacing, a shocking lack of true spectacle or style and Daniel Craig delivering one of the greatest "I'm just here for the paycheck" performances in recent history.   

Most Underrated: My Spy (2020)

There wasn't a lot of fun to be had in the summer of 2020, which is perhaps explains why I enjoyed My Spy so much. Peter Seagal's action comedy manages to be a frequently amusing send-up of spy movie tropes as well as a heartwarming buddy movie built around the special parent/child-esque bond that forms between a CIA Agent (Bautista) and the 9-year-old-daughter (Chloe Coleman) of a woman (Parisa Fitz-Henley) he's tasked with surveilling as part of a covert operation.  

Most Overrated: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)

The Suicide Squad and Peacemaker have proven that Gunn has figured out to blend emotional family drama with really silly comedy, but his 1st crack at combing these things didn't turn out so good. By frequently veering between serious moments and goofy setpieces with no regard for bringing them together in a coherent fashion that served the story, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 quickly morphs into a tonally jarring affair that fails its characters by not giving their jokes or emotional arcs the level of care they needed to thrive.