Tom Hanks Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Tom Hanks-whose latest project "The Phoenician Scheme" opens in NYC/LA theaters today and expands nationwide next Thursday.

Tom Hanks' Filmography Ranked:

30.Here (D)

29.Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (D+)

28.Splash (D+)

27.Elvis (D+)

26.The Polar Express (C-)

25.Asteroid City (C-)

24.News of the World (C-)

23.Larry Crowne (C-)

22.Bridge of Spies (C)

21.A Man Called Otto (C+)

20.That Thing You Do! (B-)

19.Forrest Gump (B-)

18.Apollo 13 (B)

17.A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (B)

16.Freaky Tales (B)

15.Charlie's Wilson's War (B)

14.Philadelphia (B)

13.The Ladykillers (B)

12.The Terminal (B)

11.Sully (B+)

10.Catch Me If You Can (B+)

9.Toy Story 2 (B+)

8.Captain Phillips (B+)

7.Cast Away (B+)

6.Toy Story 4 (A-)

5.Road to Perdition (A-)

4.Saving Private Ryan (A)

3.Toy Story 3 (A)

2.The Green Mile (A)

1.Toy Story (A+)

Top Dog: Toy Story (1995)

Thinking about the legacy Toy Story has left behind is a wild exercise. It birthed the animation juggernaut that is Pixar, revolutionized how animated movies are produced with its CG techniques and even made hack comedian/proud snitch Tim Allen cooler than he should be allowed to be with his excellent portrayal of the oblivious action figure version of in-universe movie hero Buzz Lightyear. On top of all that, the movie is just plain brilliant and has held up incredibly well over the years.  

Bottom Feeder: Here (2024)

The concept of Here had potential. Fixing a camera in the corner of a home's living room and using that as a window into the lives of the different families that lived there over a 100+ year period is an interesting way to look at how humanity has evolved and remained the same over time. As often is the case with movies made by Robert Zemeckis during the 21st century, the execution of this premise is staggeringly bad. The non-linear fashion in which the story plays out feels completely directionless and prevents meaningful connections from being formed with any of the characters, whatever deaging technology was used on certain characters looks completely ridiculous and worst of all, the shamelessness in which it deploys melodramatic plot developments is really something to behold.       

Most Underrated: The Ladykillers (2004)

Given what we've learned about their individual cinematic interests since they split and started making their owns movies following the release of 2018's The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, The Ladykillers feels like a Coen Brothers joint that Ethan was running point on. This remake of William Rose's 1955 British dark comedy of the same name is a goofy, madcap affair that mines a lot of laughs out of the sheer cartoonish idiocy of its criminal protagonists (Hanks, J.K. Simmons, Marlon Wayans, Tzi Ma, Ryan Hurst, Diane Delano) who are plotting to rob a riverboat casino by a digging a tunnel into their vault and the pleasant, God-fearing elderly widow (Irma P. Hall) whose home is being used as the launching pad for the heist who outwits them every step of the way. It's not exactly Raising Arizona or Fargo, but it's definitely among the funnier movies they've made and deserves a lot more love than it gets.     

Most Overrated: Elvis (2022)

Elvis was the first time I ever saw a Baz Luhrmann movie and it may well end up being the last. His relentlessly hyperactive style is fun for a bit, but it gets so grating and repetitive after an hour or so that Elvis ends up becoming just as hollow as the dozens of forgettable conventional music biopics out there. At least it provided Austin Butler with the launching pad to become one of the most booked actors in Hollywood right now and Hanks with the canvas to drop one of the most insane accents ever put on screen as Elvis' carnival barker manager Colonel Tom Parker.    

2025 NFL Position Rankings: Top 30 Guards

()=2024 ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2024

30.(15) Shaq Mason (Free Agent)

29.(+) Jordan Meredith (Raiders)

28.(+) Matthew Bergeron (Falcons)

27.(24) Ezra Cleveland (Jaguars)

26.(+) Jonah Jackson (Bears)

25.(23) James Daniels (Dolphins)

24.(6) Wyatt Teller (Browns)

23.(+) Will Fries (Vikings)

22.(+) Mekhi Becton (Chargers)

21.(30) Dylan Parham (Raiders)

20.(+) Cody Mauch (Buccaneers)

19.(+) John Simpson (Jets)

18.(+) Damien Lewis (Panthers)

17.(+) Mike Onwenu (Patriots)

16.(16) Sam Cosmi (Commanders)

15.(3) Joel Bitonio (Browns)

14.(8) Isaac Seumalo (Steelers)

13.(18) Teven Jenkins (Browns)

12.(28) Alijah Vera-Tucker (Jets)

11.(+) Dominick Puni (49ers)

10.(11) Robert Hunt (Panthers)

9.(10) Tyler Smith (Cowboys)

8.(20) Landon Dickerson (Eagles)

7.(13) Trey Smith (Chiefs)

6.(7) Kevin Dotson (Rams)

5.(12) Quinn Minerz (Broncos)

4.(2) Joe Thuney (Bears)

3.(9) Kevin Zeitler (Titans)

2.(5) Quenton Nelson (Colts)

1.(1) Chris Lindstrom (Falcons)

2025 NFL Position Rankings: Top 30 Tackles

()=2024 ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2024

30.(+) Ikem Ekwonu (Panthers)

29.(30) Luke Goedeke (Buccaneers)

28.(26) Mike McGlinchey (Broncos)

27.(19) Kaleb McGary (Falcons)

26.(+) Braxton Jones (Bears)

25.(+) Joe Alt (Chargers)

24.(+) Darnell Wright (Bears)

23.(+) Paris Johnson Jr. (Cardinals)

22.(8) Andrew Thomas (Giants)

21.(+) Alaric Jackson (Rams)

20.(+) Charles Cross (Seahawks)

19.(17) Dion Dawkins (Bills)

18.(25) Ronnie Stanley (Ravens)

17.(10) Taylor Decker (Lions)

16.(20) Taylor Moton (Panthers)

15.(13) Rob Havenstein (Rams)

14.(15) Garrett Bolles (Broncos)

13.(16) Jake Matthews (Falcons)

12.(27) Bernhard Raimann (Colts)

11.(7) Kolton Miller (Raiders)

10.(14) Brian O'Neill (Vikings)

9.(12) Laremy Tunsil (Commanders)

8.(28) Zach Tom (Packers)

7.(4) Christian Darrisaw (Vikings)

6.(5) Tristan Wirfs (Buccaneers)

5.(11) Rashawn Slater (Chargers)

4.(1) Trent Williams (49ers)

3.(2) Lane Johnson (Eagles)

2.(3) Penei Sewell (Lions)

1.(6) Jordan Mailata (Eagles)

Movie Review: Mission: Impossible-The Final Reckoning

 

Just 6 short days ago, I used about 550 of an 800-word review of Final Destination Bloodlines to rail against the film's obnoxious embrace of fan service, so I would be a loud and proud hypocrite if I didn't rip Tom Cruise's Mission: Impossible-The Final Reckoning for its similar sins. As the title implies, The Final Reckoning is being framed as superspy Ethan Hunt's swan song (whether or not our IP-obsessed times will allow a firm conclusion to actually occur is another issue entirely). What this means is that the film is obligated to examine the legacy behind Hunt's 30+ year, 8-film journey while simultaneously sending Hunt and his revolving door of cohorts (this time around it's Hayley Atwell, Simon Pegg, Ving Rhames, Pom Klementieff, Greg Tarzan Davis and for the last 90 odd minutes of the film, a returning character from a previous film that nobody on the universe would've ever expected to come back) on another impossible mission as they once again attempt to take down the super AI known as "The Entity" that was introduced in 2023's Dead Reckoning. And what delightful modern franchise storytelling device is used to make this messy arranged marriage happen? Well, retcons and hollow exposition dumps of course!!! Please believe me when I tell you that a significant amount of the first hour of the movie consists of a hodgepodge of monologues from various characters explaining how Hunt's past actions (archival footage is constantly spliced over the dialogue since there's no fucking way that anybody who hasn't seen the earlier movies recently would be able to recall most of, if not all of these events) paved the way for the creation of The Entity and why the powers that be shouldn't trust him given his history of recklessness and bucking authority, but ultimately have to since they don't have a better choice to try and stop The Entity. It's a unique combination of nostalgia-baiting garbage and the same thinly veiled self-fellating that Cruise used ad nauseum in Top Gun: Maverick to reflect on what Hunt has meant to cinema for all these years. Ultimately, it's an equally hilarious and embarrassing exercise that sows some serious doubt about whether or not The Final Reckoning is going to be able to land the proverbial plane when the time comes.

In a fitting tribute to Hunt himself, The Final Reckoning manages to pull it off right at the moment when all seems lost. What Mission-Impossible is really about isn't spycraft or the love Hunt has for his team and having vaguely romantic relationships with gorgeous brunette women, it's the setpieces. When the stunts are electric and the kinetic energy is really humming, everything holding these movies back fades away (namely the mediocre-to-bad scripts and forgettable villains outside of Phillip Seymour Hoffmann's Owen Davian) thanks to the unstoppable force that is sheer blockbuster movie magic. While things start trending in the right direction with the submerged submarine dive sequence in the second act, things really kick into the high gear in the final act with the stunt of Cruise hanging off the biplane that's been plastered all over the trailers and posters. This breathtaking extended sequence along with the hypertense cutaways to what the other characters of note to the story are going through while Hunt is dangling from the wing of that plane is one of the most pulse-pounding stretches in a series that's no stranger to putting exhilarating moments into the world. At no point during this portion of the film was I thinking about any of the clumsy, forced tie-ins to the previous movies in the franchise or some government official being played by a veteran actor (Angela Bassett, Henry Czerny, Nick Offerman, Holt McCallany, Janet McTeer, Hannah Waddingham) explaining what the Entity was capable of in 12,000 uninterrupted words. I was merely in awe of what was transpiring on that screen and what it took to pull it off. And when you think about it, that's about as fitting of a sendoff for Hunt and the egomaniacal nutjob that brought him to life as you could possibly ask for. 

Could The Final Reckoning have been better? Sure. Should it have been better given the strength of the setup that Dead Reckoning provided and the quality level this franchise has ascended to since Christopher McQuarrie took over as director with Rogue Nation? Yes. But as flawed and aggravating as it is-particularly in the early going, there's enough pure spectacle and old school Hollywood razzle dazzle on that screen to make it all worthwhile. If this is indeed really the end of the line for Hunt, I salute him for his service to his country, his team and (Vin Diesel voice) the movies.                       

Grade: B

2025 NFL Position Rankings: Top 20 Tight Ends

()=2024 Ranking 

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2024

20.(8) Dalton Schultz (Texans)

19.(9) David Njoku (Browns)

18.(+) Austin Hooper (Patriots)

17.(7) Evan Engram (Broncos)

16.(15) Dalton Kincaid (Bills)

15.(+) Zach Ertz (Commanders)

14.(17) Pat Friermuth (Steelers)

13.(14) Hunter Henry (Patriots)

12.(+) Mike Gesicki (Bengals)

11.(18) Isaiah Likely (Ravens)

10.(+) Tucker Kraft (Packers)

9.(+) Jonnu Smith (Dolphins)

8.(5) Dallas Goedert (Eagles)

7.(3) T,J. Hockenson (Vikings)

6.(6) Sam LaPorta (Lions)

5.(2) Travis Kelce (Chiefs)

4.(4) Mark Andrews (Ravens)

3.(+) Brock Bowers (Raiders)

2.(12) Trey McBride (Cardinals)

1.(1) George Kittle (49ers)

Movie Review: Hurry Up Tomorrow

Abel Tesfaye (aka The Weeknd) is one of the most important musical artists of the past 15 years. He's currently the most listened to artist worldwide on Spotify and has helped shape pop/R&B music trends since he burst onto the scene with his immense self-released mixtape House of Balloons in 2011. Since he's more or less conquered music, he's now trying his hand at acting and screenwriting. Famously, his first true foray into the field went horribly wrong as The Idol-the HBO series he co-wrote and co-led alongside Lily Rose-Depp-was a complete flop that was canceled after one horribly received season. Around the same time The Idol premiered in 2023, Tesfaye began production on his first movie-which was later revealed to be a companion piece to his latest record Hurry Up Tomorow directed by acclaimed indie filmmaker Trey Edward Shults (It Comes at Night, Waves). What the movie version of Hurry Up Tomorrow does above all else is confirm what was already pretty clear from The Idol: Tesfaye's creative gifts don't translate at all to the screen.

For those of you who haven't dug into the concept of the album version of Hurry Up Tomorrow, it's basically Tesfaye's way of trying to retire the persona of The Weeknd. He feels that fame has amplified his struggle to let go of the most toxic parts of himself (substance abuse, being too absorbed with the glamours lifestyle he's been afforded the opportunity to live to stay in contact with his family or maintain a romantic relationship, etc.) and after a years-long battle, he's finally ready to move past this era of his life for good (hence the title Hurry Up Tomorrow). The record is full of vulnerability and is probably the most relentlessly experimental release he's ever put out, which makes it consistently interesting even when certain songs don't fully hit the mark. 

Hurry Up Tomorow's narrative film sibling of the same name is a considerably less effective piece of work. It doesn't commit nearly hard enough to its surrealist elements to work as a mood piece or its psychological thriller/drama elements to be a profound character study and boasts a narrative that is too thin to justify being told via a feature film, which causes it to really meander to the finish line. There are flickers of light present in its hypnotic musical sequences (Chayse Irvin's beautiful 35mm cinematography, which is the best part of the movie by far, shines particularly bright in these moments) and when Jenna Ortega shows up as a depraved fan who intends to go to great lengths to get Tesfaye to be honest about the pain he's going through, but these sparks are too internment to distract from the big ball of nothing this movie is on the whole. 

Anybody that is considering checking this movie out as a fan of Tesfaye's or to simply laugh at it after seeing the viral TikTok of the scene featuring Ortega dancing to "Blinding Lights" while Tesfaye is tied to a hotel bed should really think twice before doing so (side note: that scene is actually more ridiculous in the context of the movie and you inconsiderate assholes really need to stop recording the screen in the theater!). It's the rare breed of project that is going to fall short of being even remotely enjoyable for the vast majority of people that watch it, regardless of what lens you choose to view it through. There is just way too much shit out there to watch right now to waste your time with a superstar musician's half-baked vanity project.                     

Grade: C-

Movie Review: Final Destination Bloodlines

 

The Final Destination franchise is returning to a much different horror climate than the one it left when it delivered its intended finale with Final Destination 5 back in August 2011. With this in mind, the path to reviving this franchise after 14 years away wasn't going to be to simply bring back the scuzzy 2000's sheen of the early installments or gleefully schlocky 3D-enchanced deaths of the latter two sequels from its initial run. A modernized reboot of Final Destination was destined to be one thing and one thing only: an exploration of the effects of generational trauma. It's a natural fit for a series that's all about death coming to collect the souls that cheated their fate and that's exactly the angle Final Destination Bloodlines choses to explore. By focusing on a family that's spawned three generations of broken people after their grandmother (Gabrielle Rose in the present day, Brec Bassinger in the 1960's flashbacks) saved dozens of lives by preventing the collapse of a newly opened high-rise restaurant before it happened and subsequently became paralyzed with fear that death was coming to kill her and everyone she cares about as payback for the lives she saved that night (Spoiler: She was right!), Bloodlines provides a clear illustration of how the ramifications of one person's scars can radically impact people for generations if the seeds of their pain remain strong enough to keep growing. The cruel irony is that like the fucked-up family that has just learned from their estranged grandmother that they've been marked for death, Final Destination Bloodlines is also facing a crippling crisis in the form of a major paradox that sitting at its core that frequently gets in the way of its aspirations to be an "elevated" take: It's absolutely obsessed with the franchise's past history. This hypocritical dichotomy turns what could've been a winning reboot into a maddening disappointment.

To be fair, the problem isn't that Bloodlines contains fan service, it's that the fan service is delivered with the degree of relentlessness that is typically reserved for an MCU movie. The most egregious instances of such come in the final 5 minutes and while I can't even hint at what they are without delving into the biggest spoilers of the entire movie, let's just say that I left the theater absolutely disgusted by the pandering callbacks that I had just witnessed. Making a more "serious" Final Destination movie that also contains a treasure trove of references to the previous films is some elite level talking out of both sides of your mouth from the creatives behind the film (directors Zach Lipovsky and Adam Stein, writers Guy Busick and Lori Evans Taylor, producer/story writer Jon Watts, etc.) that makes me believe there wasn't even a sliver of purity behind their intentions to bring this franchise back from the dead. Having cool, over-the-top death scenes and a legitimately heartfelt goodbye to the late Tony Todd can only take you so far when the people behind the movie compromised truly committing to their "fresh" modern reboot in favor of trotting out a bunch of point-and-clap bullshit. 

I'm going to fucking puke when the seventh installment is inevitably greenlit and they bring back the surviving members of the Final Destination 2 cast so they can replace Todd's William Bludworth as the death experts for whatever doomed pricks survive a sinking booze cruise, nightclub collapse or accidental poisoning of the Rosemary Parmesan bread at Jersey Mike's. Why stop there? Surely, they can retcon some deaths and make a Final Destination all-star edition where fan favorites get dismembered for a second time! Anything goes on the Shameless Fan Service Express!

This full-throated embrace of all things fan service is the type of thing that makes me cynical about where movies are heading in the future. When a whole movie is built around nostalgia and referencing the previous movies that birthed the new installment, wouldn't it just make more sense as a fan to revisit the old movies instead of watching something that is more concerned with past glories than creating a new cinematic memory that you'll cherish for years to come? I'll never understand the appeal of "I understand the reference!" cinema and it sucks to watch a franchise that made a name for itself partly by successfully delivering slightly different riffs on the same basic concept for over a decade get infected with a disease that will only continue to get worse as modern audiences continue to get less inclined to check out new shit. For my money, Bloodlines is right on par with The Final Destination for the title of worst installment in the franchise by a wide margin and I'm going to have a hard time looking past its shitty DNA to truly enjoy the parts that do work in the future.       

Grade: C+          

Mission-Impossible Ranked

On this special edition of "Ranked", I'm ranking the Mission: Impossible franchise ahead of the release of "Mission-Impossible: The Final Reckoning" in theaters on Thursday. 

7.Mission: Impossible 2 (2000):

The only movie in the franchise that kind of stinks. It leans way too heavily into the rubber mask/double cross ridiculousness that's otherwise existed as a pretty small recurring plot device in the other entries, the chemistry between Tom Cruise and love interest/co-worker Thandiwe Newton couldn't be flatter and worst of all, it marked the start of John Woo's depressing transition from trailblazing action pioneer to sauceless clock puncher.    

Grade: C-

6.Mission: Impossible (1996):

Revisiting this now as we're on the cusp of the 8th entry entering the world is kind of hilarious. It actually perfectly mirrors the evolution of Fast and Furious where the first film feels like it's part of a completely different franchise than the one that the later installments belong to. While there's something oddly novel about its mostly dialogue-driven approach to exploring the relentless treachery that comes with being in the spy game, the lack of true spectacle on display inevitably relegates it to minor status in a series that's at its best when the jaw-dropping action/stuntwork is taking center stage.    

Grade: B-

5.Mission: Impossible III (2006):

Folks, we've gone too far with the post-Rise of Skywalker J.J. Abrams hate. The veteran television showrunner made a very smooth transition to the world of features with this fun action romp that got the series back on track after the lackluster initial sequel threatened to derail the franchise for good. This might've even flirted with greatness if Phillip Seymour Hoffman's incredibly imposing antagonist Owen Davian had more screentime and the opening third of the film outside of the sick Berlin setpiece had a bit more flare. 

Grade: B

4.Mission-Impossible: Rogue Nation (2015):

While the focus on its comically convoluted plot is way too prominent, the action hits such dizzying new heights (particularly in the opera house scene and cliffside motorcycle chase) with Christopher McQuarrie at the helm that it doesn't matter all that much. 

Grade: B 

3.Mission-Impossible: Ghost Protocol (2011)

Like quite a few people out there, Ghost Protocol was the first time I ever came away from a Mission-Impossible movie really impressed. The setpieces here are consistently pulse-pounding and exhilarating and leaning into the inherent silliness of its "ragtag spies that don't play by the rules trying to stop WWIII from breaking out" plot upped the entertainment value considerably. By the way, somebody in Hollywood needs to let Brad Bird make another live action movie ASAP! The price he's paid for the failure of Tomorrowland is more than steep enough at this point!  

Grade: B+

2.Mission-Impossible: Dead Reckoning (2023): 

Despite being the longest entry in the series that's currently out in the world at a whopping 163 minutes, Dead Reckoning may be the single most propulsive entry in the franchise as it stacks up hyperkinetic setpiece upon hyperkinetic setpiece (shootout in the Arbian Desert, car chase through Rome, foot chase through the Abu Dhabi airport) every step of the way. If not for the shockingly CGI-heavy albeit still solid finale aboard the Orient Express, it would've made a strong challenge for the top spot.     

Grade: B+ 

1.Mission-Impossible: Fallout (2018):

Fallout may be a boring answer for #1 as it often finds itself in this spot when somebody drops a Mission: Impossible ranking, but there was just no way in hell that I was going to put any other entry here. Cruise and McQuarrie went completely ballistic here as they delivered one of the most consistently exhilarating, well-crafted action movies that we've seen in the last 20-25 years. Even the mere mention of the HALO Jump, bathroom fight or Paris motorcycle chase are enough to take me back to the absolute glee I felt seeing these scenes on the big screen for the first time nearly 7 years ago.    

Grade: A-

2025 NFL Position Rankings: Top 50 Wide Receivers

 ()=Previous Ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2024

50.(38) Tank Dell (Texans)

49.(29) Tyler Lockett (Titans)

48.(30) Christian Kirk (Texans)

47.(+) Alec Pierce (Colts)

46.(35) Rashee Rice (Chiefs)

45.(39) Adam Thielen (Panthers)

44.(45) Jayden Reed (Packers)

43.(+) Darnell Mooney (Falcons)

42.(48) Josh Downs (Colts)

41.(46) Jordan Addison (Vikings)

40.(+) Marvin Harrison Jr. (Cardinals)

39.(23) Deebo Samuel (Commanders)

38.(33) Calvin Ridley (Titans)

37.(+) Jauan Jennings (49ers)

36.(21) DeAndre Hopkins (Ravens)

35.(+) Jameson Williams (Lions)

34.(49) Khalil Shakir (Bills)

33.(43) Jerry Jeudy (Browns)

32.(+) Ladd McConkey (Chargers)

31.(40) Jakobi Meyers (Raiders)

30.(17) Michael Pittman Jr. (Colts)

29.(28) George Pickens (Cowboys)

28.(34) Courtland Sutton (Broncos)

27.(14) Stefon Diggs (Patriots)

26.(16) Cooper Kupp (Seahawks)

25.(22) Chris Godwin (Buccaneers)

24.(8) Brandon Aiyuk (49ers)

23.(15) Chris Olave (Saints)

22.(+) Jaxson Smith-Njigba (Seahawks)

21.(9) Jaylen Waddle (Dolphins)

20.(25) DeVonta Smith (Eagles)

19.(37) Zay Flowers (Ravens)

18.(+) Brian Thomas Jr. (Jaguars)

17.(7) Davante Adams (Rams)

16.(20) D.K. Metcalf (Steelers)

15.(10) D.J. Moore (Bears)

14.(+) Malik Nabers (Giants)

13.(18) Garrett Wilson (Jets)

12.(26) Tee Higgins (Bengals)

11.(12) Mike Evans (Buccaneers)

10.(27) Terry McLaurin (Commanders)

9.(19) Nico Collins (Texans)

8.(31) Drake London (Falcons)

7.(2) Tyreek Hill (Dolphins)

6.(11) Puka Nacua (Rams)

5.(4) A.J. Brown (Eagles)

4.(6) Amon-Ra St. Brown (Lions)

3.(3) CeeDee Lamb (Cowboys)

2.(5) Ja'Marr Chase (Bengals)

1.(1) Justin Jefferson (Vikings)

Final Destination Ranked

On this week's special edition of "Ranked", I'm ranking the Final Destination franchise from worst to best ahead of the release of "Final Destination: Bloodlines" in theaters tomorrow.  

5.The Final Destination (2009):

While I do agree with the consensus that The Final Destination is the weakest entry in the series by a wide margin, I also think it gets far more shit than it deserves. There's a certain charm to how heavily it commits to the cheap, schlocky 3D bit (this was the first entry of the series to be released in 3D) and a few of the deaths are among the most absurd/sadistic (flying tire decapitation, a rock launched by a lawnmower from a cartoonishly long distance away going through somebody's eye as they walk out of a salon, a pool drain sucking someone's intestines out through their butthole) of the entire franchise.  

Grade: C+

4.Final Destination (2000):

It needs to be noted that the next three entries on this list are basically interchangeable. What landed the original film at the bottom of this closely contested hierarchy is very simple: the deaths just aren't as memorable as the pair of sequels that beat it out. Other than the comparatively tamer/less creative accident sequences, there's a lot of fun to be had watching this franchise birth its clever "Death comes to collect the souls that evaded its grasp" concept and an all-star lineup of familiar faces from late 90's/early 2000's pop culture (Devon Sawa, Kerr Smith, Seann William Scott, Ali Larter) get picked off one by one.   

Grade: B

3.Final Destination 5 (2011):

5 is definitely the most underrated entry of the series in my book. The introduction of the "kill somebody and get their remaining life" rule in the second half of the film is a gloriously demented wrinkle that brings the dark comedy elements that have always been a part of this series' DNA closer to the forefront, the characters that get the chance to stick around for long enough to get some backstory are actually pretty well-defined by franchise standards and the twist ending leads to an all-timer of a death/end credits transition that very well could be the hardest I've ever laughed at a Final Destination movie. Bonus points for also backing up my longstanding fears of LASIK eye surgery and gymnastics routines going horribly wrong.  

Grade: B

2.Final Destination 2 (2003):

How there was a time in my life not too long ago that I thought this was the weakest entry outside of The Final Destination is a real head-scratcher. The efforts to up the absurdity pay dividends here as the accident sequences are way more unpredictable/entertaining than they were in the first one, the opening disaster scene with the logging truck is the chaotic, grisly peak of the entire franchise that will almost certainly never be topped and save for the aforementioned classic walk-off of Final Destination 5, it features the most insane/hilarious ending of the bunch.   

Grade: B

1.Final Destination 3 (2006):

Original director James Wong returned to the fold hungry to up the stakes and lean into the more ridiculous tone that David R. Ellis established with Final Destination 2. He didn't just succeed in his mission; he crushed it to the point where he made the best damn entry in the series that he helped create. Wong creates an ever-present feeling of impending doom that provides the film with a playfully sinister atmosphere that adds a nice layer of dread to the otherwise goofy proceedings, Mary Elizabeth Winstead's Wendy is easily the most dramatically compelling protagonist the series has ever had and the pseudo-detective angle to the plot is a fun, unique way to approach these characters scrambling to find a way to cancel the plans Death has for them.  

Grade: B+

2025 NFL Position Rankings: Top 50 Running Backs

=Previous Ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2024

50.(+) Ty Johnson (Bills)

49.(+) Braelon Allen (Jets)

48.(28) Devin Singletary (Giants)

47.(41) Javonte Williams (Cowboys)

46.(+) Cam Akers (Free Agent)

45.(44) Jaleel McLaughlin (Broncos)

44.(+) Ray Davis (Bills)

43.(+) Tyrone Tracy Jr. (Giants)

42.(4) Nick Chubb (Free Agent)

41.(33) Austin Ekeler (Commanders)

40.(31) Jaylen Warren (Steelers)

39.(47) Antonio Gibson (Patriots)

38.(42) Justice Hill (Ravens)

37.(23) D'Andre Swift (Bears)

36.(16) Travis Etienne (Jaguars)

35.(+) Tank Bigsby (Jaguars)

34.(35) Jerome Ford (Browns)

33.(+) Emmanuel Wilson (Packers)

32.(+) J.K. Dobbins (Free Agent)

31.(18) Najee Harris (Chargers)

30.(49) Zach Charbonnet (Seahawks)

29.(+) Jordan Mason (Vikings)

28.(36) Tyler Allgeier (Falcons)

27.(+) Rico Dowdle (Panthers)

26.(43) Kareem Hunt (Chiefs)

25.(25) Rhamondre Stevenson (Patriots)

24.(17) Breece Hall (Jets)

23.(32) Rachaad White (Buccaneers)

22.(22) Brian Robinson Jr. (Commanders)

21.(15) Isiah Pacheco (Chiefs)

20.(8) Kenneth Walker III (Seahawks)

19.(24) Alvin Kamara (Saints)

18.(+) Chase Brown (Bengals)

17.(12) Tony Pollard (Titans)

16.(+) Bucky Irving (Buccaneers)

15.(20) De'Von Achane (Dolphins)

14.(6) Aaron Jones (Vikings)

13.(19) Joe Mixon (Texans)

12.(30) Chuba Hubbard (Panthers)

11.(11) Jonathan Taylor (Colts)

10.(7) Kyren Williams (Rams)

9.(9) David Montgomery (Lions)

8.(5) James Conner (Cardinals)

7.(14) James Cook (Bills)

6.(21) Jahmyr Gibbs (Lions)

5.(13) Josh Jacobs (Packers)

4.(27) Bijan Robinson (Falcons)

3.(1) Christian McCaffery (49ers)

2.(2) Derrick Henry (Ravens)

1.(3) Saquon Barkley (Eagles)

Movie Review: Fight or Flight

 

C-grade action flicks are a timeless staple of the film industry. In today's landscape, often times what happens is that some producers will enlist a mercenary director (Simon West, Renny Harlin, Jesse V. Johnson) and fading familiar Hollywood face (Aaron Eckhart, Thomas Jane, Stephen Dorff) to make something with a premise that can be explained in one sentence ("Ex-Green Beret must stop terrorist plot". "Hitman gets double crossed by his employers and must fight for survival", etc.) that can make a quick buck or two on the VOD/international sales market before swiftly reinvesting the profits and starting the cycle all over again. Fight or Flight shows that there's a different path forward for this ultraspecific subgenre. 

First time director James Madigan-whose been a VFX supervisor and second unit director for 20+ years-and star Josh Hartnett-who adds another notch to the zany character actor belt he's been carrying around since Guy Ritchie brought him back to Hollywood's big leagues in 2021's Wrath of Man with a hoot of a performance as a disgraced Secret Service Agent who has his extended exile in Thailand interrupted when his former flame (Katee Sackhoff) enlists him to track down an elusive cyber terrorist known only as "Ghost" on board a flight from Bangkok to San Francisco that just so happens to also have dozens of assassins from all over the world on board looking to kill "Ghost" before the plane lands-overcomes the burden of making a dumb, microbudget action flick designed to be half watched on a Roku through sheer gonzo energy. The fights being confined to a plane in mid-flight turns them into frantic, cartoonish mad dashes with choreography that is unrefined yet very creative and easy to follow, Madigan shows a pretty strong understanding of when to deploy an explicit joke and when to just let the ludicrousness of the plot speak for itself and Hartnett is having the time of his life playing around in the role of a perpetual fuckup trying to stay alive for long enough to potentially earn a chance at redemption (or at least not die on a plane doing his ex-girlfriend's dirty work). While the Bullet Train comparisons are inevitable given the "a bunch of trained killers let loose on a mode of transportation" plot, it's honestly more like a slightly less over-the-top version of something like Shoot' Em Up or Crank. Making an action movie with personality, fun fights and a real sense of madness in its DNA is a surefire way to make an impression and best of all, you can do that on any sized budget if the creative team is spirited and malleable enough. My hope is that the right people see Fight or Flight and get inspired to make action movies that use outside-the-box creative flourishes to jazz up well-worn premises. It's high time that VOD actioners stepped their shit up and Fight or Flight provides a blueprint for how that's possible without sacrificing the charm of this crucial ecosystem's shoddy production value and inherent grime.                 

Grade: B

Vince Vaughn Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Vince Vaughn-whose latest project "Nonnas" is now streaming on Netflix. 

Vince Vaughn's Filmography Ranked:

26.Be Cool (F)

25.The Dilemma (D+)

24.The Break-Up (C-)

23.Mr. & Mrs. Smith (C)

22.Queenpins (C)

21.Wake Up, Ron Burgundy (C+)

20.Unfinished Business (C+)

19.The Binge (B-)

18.The Watch (B-)

17.Delivery Man (B-)

16.The Internship (B-)

15.Swingers (B-)

14.Clay Pigeons (B-)

13.The Cell (B-)

12.Fighting with My Family (B)

11.Seberg (B)

10.The Lost World: Jurassic Park (B)

9.Old School (B)

8.Wedding Crashers (B)

7.Brawl in Cell Block 99 (B)

6.Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (B)

5.Starsky & Hutch (B+)

4.Hacksaw Ridge (B+)

3.Freaky (B+)

2.Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (B+)

1.Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (A+)

Top Dog: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

As we approach the 21st anniversary of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, it's hard for me to not continue to be in awe of this film. This is one of those touch the sun comedies that has alluded the cruel aging process that haunts the genre through the sheer force of its brilliant absurdity and the great lengths everyone involved with this project goes to play it up. When we look back on the seemingly dead creative partnership between Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, this will stand alone as the most valuable gem in a vault full of comedic jewels. 

Bottom Feeder: Be Cool (2005)

Quite a few of the members of the huge ensemble cast of Be Cool have starred in some huge pieces of shit over the years-particularly John Travolta and Uma Thurman who have been largely relegated to the VOD circuit in recent years, but I'd argue that none of these efforts are as agonizingly awful as Be Cool. The ill-conceived loose sequel to the 1995 cult hit Get Shorty is the ultrarare comedy full of jokes that are so relentlessly lazy and deeply unfunny that it's hard to not feel kind of bad for everybody who attached their names to such a humiliating disgrace to the medium.        

Most Underrated: Freaky (2020)

This could just as easily go to Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, but I've written enough about that one often enough of late that I felt compelled to switch it up here. Freaky was one of those movies that just got lost in the void of the COVID lockdown (it got released in theaters in November 2020 before bowing on VOD a few weeks later) and has kind of struggled to find an audience since. What's particularly unfortunate about its fate is that it's easily one of the best slasher movies to come out in the past 10-15 years. The whole serial killer/high school girl body swap device that drives the plot works really well due to how seamlessly Vaughn and Kathryn Newton flip between both sides of this tricky character dynamic, nearly all of the kills are creative, gnarly home runs and like all of Christopher Landon's best movies, it bowls you over with its pure heart when you least expect it.     

Most Overrated: Swingers (1996)

While Swingers is a fine enough buddy comedy that's driven by the good chemistry that exists between Vaughn and Jon Favreau, its status as a comedy classic has always mystified me, particularly since it came out around the same time as way funnier, sharper movies that were part of the same subgenre (Friday, Clerks, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion).  

2025 NFL Position Rankings: Top 25 Quarterbacks

A May tradition is officially back as I'm happy to announce the beginning of the 2025 edition of my NFL Position Rankings. It's kind of like the Met Gala without the glamour, celebrities or widespread public interest. For those of you who aren't familiar with the series, I like to kill time during the NFL offseason by going through every single position in the league (outside of long snapper and kick/punt returners) and rank the best players at each spot heading into the upcoming season. It's a fun exercise to engage in every year and a fair number of people have told me that they enjoy reading it over the year, so I'll continue to do for as long as this blog exists. Here are a few notes on the series before we officially get started:

1.Rookies are excluded from inclusion.

2.Players are judged on where they currently stand in my opinion, not the player they once were or could potentially go onto be.

3.Each player is listed as a member of the team they're currently rostered by. If they're not on a roster at the time of the post, they'll be listed as a free agent.

As usual, Quarterback is kicking things off. While the top 4 remained unchanged from last year, there was a lot of shuffling and newcomers throughout the rest of the list. Hope you enjoy and I encourage you check to back over the next 8 weeks or so as I unveil the remainder of the series.    

Note: Saints QB Derek Carr is currently expected to miss the entirety of the 2025 season with a shoulder injury and has been excluded from the rankings as a result. 

()=2024 ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2024

25.(17) Aaron Rodgers (Free Agent)

24.(+) Caleb Williams (Bears)

23.(+) Bryce Young (Panthers)

22.(21) Russell Wilson (Giants)

21.(22) Justin Fields (Jets)

20.(+) Drake Maye (Patriots)

19.(15) Tua Tagovailoa (Dolphins)

18.(16) Trevor Lawrence (Jaguars)

17.(14) Jordan Love (Packers)

16.(19) Kyler Murray (Cardinals)

15.(+) Sam Darnold (Seahawks)

14.(18) Geno Smith (Raiders)

13.(12) Brock Purdy (49ers)

12.(11) C.J. Stroud (Texans)

11.(13) Baker Mayfield (Buccaneers) 

10.(7) Dak Prescott (Cowboys)

9.(10) Jared Goff (Lions)

8.(+) Jayden Daniels (Commanders)

7.(5) Matthew Stafford (Rams)

6.(8) Justin Herbert (Chargers)

5.(6) Jalen Hurts (Eagles)

4.(4) Joe Burrow (Bengals)

3.(3) Josh Allen (Bills)

2.(2) Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

1.(1) Patrick Mahomes (Chiefs)

Movie Review: Thunderbolts*

In kind of a cruel twist of fate for a film that's establishing a new set of characters, Thunderbolts* arguably became the most important MCU movie in ages as it was forced to serve as a crucial litmus test of whether or not Marvel Studios was going to change the way they do business after their longstanding practice of rewriting movies on the fly and openly meddling with their director's vision through a variety of channels (reshoots, execs taking control of the edit, VFX changes that go down to the wire) has really started to screw with their bottom line over the last couple of years. This film that brings together a collection of misfits with checkered pasts (Florence Pugh's Yelena Belova, Sebastian Stan's Bucky Barnes, David Harbour's Red Guardian, Wyatt Russell's U.S. Agent, Hannah John-Kamen's Ghost, Olga Kurylenko's Taskmaster) to do battle with a mysterious new threat (Lewis Pullman's Bob/Sentry/The Void) was notably the first MCU project to go into production after the conclusion of the WGA/SGA strikes in the fall of 2023. Whether it was merely a coincidence or a targeted response to the MCU having just put out their biggest bomb to date in The Marvels and having Brave New World's principal photography thrown into chaos as a result of the WGA strikes beginning mid-shoot is up for debate, but the fact of the matter is that Marvel took the unprecedented step of further delaying the start of production on Thunderbolts* by a few months after the conclusions of the strikes so that another pass on the script could be completed before cameras began to roll. If how Thunderbolts* turned out is any indication, Marvel's major shift in the way they conduct their business could lead to a stabilization in quality that has long alluded superhero juggernaut at a time where they needed it most.

Let me make this clear from the jump, I feel that Marvel's practice of haphazardly assembling their films on the fly extends well beyond the post-Endgame films that have earned most of the vitriol directed towards them of late. This has been their calling card from day 1 (go and look up Jeff Bridges' comments about working on Iron Man) and the prevalence of this practice has led to a catalogue that has been consistently inconsistent. The only difference between now and then is that all of the audience goodwill they earned during The Infinity Saga (aka all of the films they released from May 2008-April 2019) has evaporated. Unless it's an untouchable character like Spider-Man or Wolverine, people are absolutely going to think twice about sitting through prospective future installments of the franchise if the current movie sucks shit. The only antidote to the bitter yet inevitable end of the MCU's consistent cash cow days is them putting more effort into their movies before they see the light of the day and that's exactly what Thunderbolts* delivers.

After the latest round of soulless, messy and/or obnoxiously nostalgic MCU affairs that have followed their most recent triumph (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3) prior to this, it was just nice to watch something made by people who clearly give a shit about the material they're working with. They care about the characters, their struggles with facing the sins of their past and start of their unlikely journey down a redemptive path. They care about building a team dynamic from the ground up and earning the viewer's faith that they can become a crucial part of this machine moving forward. They care about crafting action sequences driven by practical stuntwork and fight choreography that isn't obscured by an array of quick cuts. They care about delivering a crisp, detailed sound mix that immerses the viewer in the world. They care about visual effects (the design of The Void is the most inspired, inherently cool CG creation Marvel has put together in a minute) that actually look like they were created in more than 30 seconds by a team of overworked, underpaid artists. They care about shepherding in a new era of Marvel without making an entire movie that's solely exists to set up the next Avengers movie. All people really want out of these movies is characters and stakes that they can get invested in. It's a simple, timeless formula that execs regularly lose sight of for whatever reason and Thunderbolts* is a reminder of just how far delivering on those things can take you. Please allow your projects to be made by passionate, talented people like director Jake Schreier, writer Joanna Calo (best known as the co-showrunner of The Bear)-who handled the final draft of the script and this entire cast (Pullman going full rising movie star God mode with his powerhouse take on a really emotionally difficult character to portray is enough for him to edge out the pretty great work from his peers) Mr. Feige. The survival of your brand may very well depend on it.

Grade: B+            

Quick Movie Reviews: Sinners, The Accountant 2, Until Dawn

Sinners: I'm actually really glad that my NFL Draft pieces prevented me from writing about Sinners after opening weekend because I saw it again last weekend and it floored me. That's not to say that I didn't really enjoy it the first time around, it's just that a lot of the subtext that I missed the first time crystalized during the second viewing and that significantly elevated my appreciation of the movie. 

Sinners is about a million different things at once including a vampire movie, celebration of blues music and powerful drama about how assimilation and colonization destroy the unique specificity that gives a community its soul. Despite all of the different directions it goes in, the narrative never feels overstuffed or allows its many, many plot threads and themes to get in the way of its entertainment value or the brilliant development of its characters and setting (Clarksdale, Mississippi circa 1932). The ability to stay coherent and captivating is a testament to not only Ryan Coogler's dazzling vision and infectious passion as a filmmaker, but those of his many collaborators who were in complete lockstep with him. The ensemble cast (Michael B. Jordan in a dual lead role as twins, musician Miles Caton in his acting debut, Hailee Steinfeld, Wunmi Mosaku, Jack O'Connell, Delroy Lindo, Jayme Lawson, Omar Benson Miller, Li Jun Li, Yao, Lola Kirke, Peter Dreimanis, David Maldonado, Saul Williams) is Tarantino-esque in how every single performer is perfectly cast and delivers exactly what the story needs from them regardless of how much screentime they have (Lindo's heartfelt yet hilarious turn as grizzled alcoholic blues musician Delta Slim was the top standout for me), Autumn Durald Arkapaw's cinematography-captured entirely on IMAX 65mm film cameras-is breathtakingly beautiful and the electrifying musical elements (both score and original songs) serve as the strong foundation that allows the entire film to thrive. This is the kind of remarkable, singular film that solidifies Coogler as one of the greats and its unbelievable box office success for an original film-driven mostly by its tremendous WOM-makes it even sweeter. While the wait for the next blank check movie he gets to make after he fulfills his longstanding obligations to Disney to deliver a series reboot of The X-Files and a third Black Panther film will likely be pretty long, there's no doubt in my mind that it will be ultimately be worth it.                           

Grade: A

The Accountant 2: Elevating Jon Bernthal to co-lead and allowing him to establish a combative yet loving rapport with on-screen brother Ben Affleck along with some great moments of character-driven humor provides The Accountant 2 with a more lighthearted tone that elevates it above its predecessor. That being said, it's still not lighthearted enough! These movies have a pervasive inherent ridiculousness to them that's begging to be embraced, but for whatever reason director Gavin O'Connor and writer Bill Dubuque-both returning from the original-just refuse to do it. By keeping things relatively serious and the action sequences-which are all solid-fairly sparse, the convoluted plot surrounding Affleck aiding his old friend from the Feds (Cynthia Addai-Robinson, also reprising her role from the original) in figuring out whose responsible for a human trafficking ring is often left taking center stage and that is not good at all for the business of fun that The Accountant 2 wants to be in. To put it more succinctly, these movies just aren't nearly as consistently entertaining as they could/should be and they'll never reach their potential until they solve their own identity crisis.        

Grade: B-

Until Dawn: While it definitely could've benefitted from further exploring the endless possibilities its "every time the character's die, they face a new threat is trying to kill them" time loop conceit presents, Until Dawn successfully occupies the same fun albeit slight horror movie space that stuff like Final Destination, Saw and Resident Evil have in the past. The dynamic of lifelong friends (Ella Rubin, Michael Camino, Odessa A'zion, Ji-young Yoo) trying to look out for each other as they're hunted by a different killer each night while the new boyfriend of one of the character's (Belmont Cameli) demonstrates some selfish behavior feels pretty authentic, the menacingly decrepit production design/prominent use of practical effects (makeup, blood/gore, etc.) gives the terrors these characters are enduring some extra kick and since he'd spent much of the previous 5+ years working on the Shazam! movies, there's a joyous "just got out of jail" feeling to David F. Sandberg's direction that makes the proceedings fly by at a pretty good clip. If this ends up banking enough at the box office for the sequel that's teased in the film's final moments to be greenlit, I'd be down to go back to this universe again.     

Grade: B-

Florence Pugh Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Florence Pugh-whose latest project "Thunderbolts*" releases today. 

Florence Pugh's Filmography Ranked:

12.Don't Worry Darling (C+)

11.Black Widow (B-)

10.The Wonder (B-)

9.Fighting with My Family (B)

8.The Commuter (B)

7.Oppenheimer (B)

6.Outlaw King (B)

5.We Live in Time (B)

4.Dune: Part Two (B)

3.Little Women (B)

2.Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (B+)

1.Midsommar (B+)

Top Dog: Midsommar (2019)

When we look back on the 2010's/2020's, it would be a shock if Midsommar didn't end up being regarded as one of the most influential horror movies of the period. Ari Aster is firing on all cylinders as he creates this unnerving exploration of cults, grief and the horrors of finally reckoning with a romantic relationship that has long eroded to the point of no return that slowly escalates in intensity until it finally explodes in the powerhouse finale and Pugh turns in an unreal performance by fully surrendering herself to the transformative, visceral nightmare of a journey her character goes on over the course of the film.      

Bottom Feeder: Don't Worry Darling (2022)

Don't Worry Darling isn't an awful movie, but it is a really aggravating one. All of the good shit (beautiful cinematography/production design, excellent performances from Pugh, Chris Pine and Olivia Wilde, a really eerie atmosphere) that keeps it at least somewhat engaging for most of its runtime is undone by a messy script from Katie Silberman that has a really hard time turning the sprawling mindfuck of a plot into something cohesive, an idiotic final act plot twist that bares a stunning resemblance to a similarly shitty one from an early M Night Shyamalan film and worst of all, electing to cast Harry Styles in a pivotal role that required a blend of charisma, desperation and menace that he simply does not possess as an actor at this point in time kills the film's ability to convincingly sell its central themes/relationship. At least we'll always have that hilarious soap opera of a press tour.         

Most Underrated: Outlaw King (2018)

Historical inaccurate aside, Outlaw King is a solid historical epic anchored by a strong lead performance from Chris Pine and some of the better grand-scale battle sequences put to screen in the last decade. It's currently buried in the bowels of the Netflix library if you're looking to seek it out.  

Most Overrated: Oppenheimer (2023)

It's gotten to the point where I've just accepted the fact that I just don't really care all that much about Christopher Nolan's work post-Inception/Dark Knight trilogy. While he's great at delivering spectacle, beautiful images and booming sound that tests the limits of every theater's speaker system, he's frankly not all that great of a storyteller. In the case of Oppenheimer specifically, the cuteness of the time-jumping nonlinear narrative structure lessens the impact of the film's primary purpose to serve as a decades-spanning character study about J. Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy, excellent as always) being forced to reckon with the fallout of his lethal creation and creates several prolonged stretches-particularly during the congressional hearing sequences-where the film just completely stalls out. On top of that, his writing of Kitty Oppenheimer (Emily Blunt) leads me to believe that he is fortunate enough to have never been around an alcoholic for a prolonged period of time because I have never seen a more laughable portrayal of the disease in my entire life. Maybe The Odyssey will get me to change my mind, but my confidence level in that happening remains very low.