NFL Wild Card Predictions

Los Angeles Rams over Carolina Panthers:

This is the textbook definition of a Wild Card weekend honeypot. The Panthers are a team with a losing record that fell completely ass backwards into the playoffs courtesy of being the winner of a goofy 3-way tiebreaker for the NFC South crown that was made possible by the Falcons beating the Saints last Sunday afternoon and the Rams have been one of the best teams in the league for the bulk of the season. The Rams being 10-point favorites of this writing-which is the biggest spread of the weekend by a whopping 4 points-perfectly illustrates the huge discrepancy that exists between these teams on paper. And yet, the Panthers beat the Rams in Charlotte in Week 13 and will have home field once again in this meeting.

Despite all of the flashing signs screaming that the Rams are going to fall into a trap and get bounced by the worst team in the entire NFL playoff field by a mile, I can't in good conscience pick the Panthers to win this game. They may play like a completely different team at home then on the road (5-3 vs 3-6), but their offense is a low wattage travesty (outside of a couple of splash passing plays late in the game, watching them operate against the Bucs in the driving ran in Tampa last week was painful) and I have zero confidence in their ability to keep up with a Sean McVay-coached group that led the league in scoring offense during the regular season. 

Chicago Bears over Green Bay Packers:

The sheer thought of this game is enough to put a King Kong-sized knot in my stomach. This is the Bears first playoff appearance since they squeaked in 2020 thanks to the Cardinals inability to beat the John Wolford-led Rams and the first time they've had a realistic chance to advance since 2018, so of course they have to go against the team that has fucking owned them for the majority of the past 35 years in the Wild Card. The Packers aren't even overly scary on paper now that Micah Parsons is out, I just see can't help but expect things to go poorly when my team lines up against those dairy-loving fuckers with the white, green and yellow G on their helmets.

Despite my fear of the Packers and lack of confidence in the Bears-particularly following their pretty shitty performance in a loss against the Lions last week, I'm still picking the reigning NFC North champs to win this game for some inexplicable reason. The Packers are incredibly banged up right now and I'm cautiously optimistic that the Bears will be able to do enough on offense to take advantage of their Parsons-less defense to hold off whatever damage Jordan Love and co. can do to their beyond exploitable defense. 

Jacksonville Jaguars over Buffalo Bills:

I've been flipping back and forth on this one all week. The Jags are the hottest team in the league right now as they've ripped off 8 straight wins following an embarrassing second half collapse against the Davis Mills-led Texans in Week 10 while the Bills have a significant advantage in playoff experience across their roster and coaching staff. Ultimately, I've decided to go with the upstart Jags. Their top ranked rush defense should be able to slow down the Bills top ranked rushing offense that's headed up by James Cook-which would put a ton of pressure for a hobbled Josh Allen to ignite their middling passing attack and despite the Jags rung game not being strong enough (they finished the regular season ranked 20th) to feel great about their ability to take advantage of the Bills horrendous run D, Liam Coen is a talented enough playcaller to cook up a plan that exploits their weakness up front without needlessly testing their top-ranked pass D downfield. 

Philadelphia Eagles over San Francisco 49ers:

This prediction is based on the assumption that the Eagles cartoonishly erratic offense will be able to have a good day against a 49ers defense that is injury-depleted to the point where it's starting to feel like they're signing guys off the street mid-game to step in for the latest doomed soul whose femur, ACL or spleen exploded. If they can't, which is completely plausible given how this season has played out for the defending Super Bowl champs, the 49ers should be able to get enough going on offense between Brock Purdy, CMC and whatever WR/TE's are healthy enough to play tomorrow afternoon to pull off the road upset. Godspeed to anyone whose brave enough to put money on this game. 

New England Patriots over Los Angeles Chargers:

Part of me feels like a Chargers team with a strong defense and terrific quarterback like Justin Herbert represents a really good test for a Patriots team who has faced very little in the way of challenges over the past 3 months. Then I realized that Herbert-who is already playing hurt-could die on the field at any time behind an offensive line that is as bad as you'll ever see in professional football and the Chargers have a knack for embarrassing themselves this time of the year-especially against a Patriots team that has sent them packing 3 times in the past 20 years. I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if this game turns into the biggest bloodbath of the weekend in short order. 

Houston Texans over Pittsburgh Steelers:

The Steelers are a missed field goal away from not being here and I like the odds of the football gods punishing them for their good fortune last week on Monday Night. Even with DK Metcalf returning to the lineup after serving a 2-game suspension for wailing on a Lions fan in Detroit a few weeks back, Aaron Rodgers is probably going to have a hard time getting the deep shots he relies on to make play going against a vicious Texans pass-rush that should have no problem exploiting his complete lack of mobility at his advanced age and despite their well-documented woes this season, the Texans offense should be able to take advantage of the Steelers D's inability to cover wideouts downfield like the Ravens did in the second half last week.