Thursday, September 19, 2024

Natasha Lyonne Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Natasha Lyonne-whose latest project "His Three Daughters" is in select theaters now and begins streaming on Netflix tomorrow.  

Natasha Lyonne's Filmography Ranked:

18.Yoga Hosers (D)

17.Party Monster (D)

16.Blade: Trinity (C)

15.The United States vs. Billie Holliday (C+)

14.Robots (C+)

13.Irresistible (B-)

12.DC League of Superpets (B-)

11.But I'm a Cheerleader (B-)

10.A Futile and Stupid Gesture (B)

9.Scary Movie 2 (B)

8.American Pie 2 (B)

7.Ad Astra (B)

6.Family (B)

5.Detroit Rock City (B+)

4.Sleeping with Other People (B+)

3.American Reunion (B+)

2.Honey Boy (B+)

1.American Pie (B+)

Top Dog: American Pie (1999)

To this day, American Pie remains one of the funniest films of its era. It does a great job of mixing earnestness with crass; gross-out humor, the central protagonists (Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Lyonne, Tara Reid, Mena Suvari, Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Alyson Hannigan) are all really likable, grounded characters and every single thing that Eugene Levy does here is pure comedic gold.           

Bottom Feeder: Yoga Hosers (2016)

Kevin Smith's pseudo-sequel to his horrendous body horror comedy Tusk may be an even worse film. Smith has arguably never put together a more obnoxious, unfunny film than this woeful ode to B-comedy horror schlock that couldn't possibly be less fun if it tried.       

Most Underrated: Sleeping with Other People (2015)

Along with Destination Wedding, Sleeping with Other People is a standout entry in the underserved asshole romcom genre. Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie share an incredible rapport as two self-absorbed assholes with commitment issues who had a one-night stand together in college that slowly fall in love upon being reunited in their late 30's and writer/director Leslye Headland fuses the entire affair with enough humor and heart to make these assholes a pleasure to root for.   

Most Overrated: None

This was an easy call. The horrifically amateurish dark comedy biopic Party Monster has too small of a cult following to meet the criteria and But I'm a Cheerleader is a perfectly fine movie with an appeal that I fully understand.  

Most Fascinating: Blade: Trinity (2004)

Blad: Trinity is one of the most infamous troubled productions of the past 25 years. Patton Oswalt in particular has delivered hilarious anecdotes surrounding all the chaos that took place on the set-which mostly involves the erratic behavior of Wesley Snipes and his rocky relationship with director David S. Goyer. With this knowledge in mind, the film itself is very much a product of the turbulence that occupied its set. It's a completely jumbled mess that struggles to land on a tone or narrative focus for the majority of its runtime. Trinity actually manages to be pretty fun in spurts as a result of the hilarity/audacity of the some of its more insane creative decisions and Snipes still being able to turn on the charisma despite him not wanting to be involved with the film, it's just way too scattershot to be good in the traditional sense.        

Wednesday, September 18, 2024

2024 NFL Power Rankings: Week 3

 =Previous Ranking

1.(1) Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Atlanta Falcons

2.(7) Buffalo Bills (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Jacksonville Jaguars 

3.(15) New Orleans Saints (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Philadelphia Eagles

4.(5) Houston Texans (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Minnesota Vikings

5.(2) San Francisco 49ers (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Los Angeles Rams 

6.(10) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Denver Broncos

7.(3) Detroit Lions (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Arizona Cardinals

8.(16) Minnesota Vikings (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Houston Texans

9.(4) Philadelphia Eagles (1-1) Week 3 opponent: New Orleans Saints

10.(14) Los Angeles Chargers (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Pittsburgh Steelers 

11.(6) Baltimore Ravens (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Dallas Cowboys

12.(12) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Los Angeles Chargers 

13.(13) Green Bay Packers (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Tennessee Titans 

14.(26) Arizona Cardinals (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Detroit Lions

15.(17) Seattle Seahawks (2-0) Week 3 opponent: Miami Dolphins 

16.(9) Dallas Cowboys (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Baltimore Ravens

17.(8) Miami Dolphins (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Seattle Seahawks

18.(21) Atlanta Falcons (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Kansas City Chiefs 

19.(22) New York Jets (1-1) Week 3 opponent: New England Patriots 

20.(28) Las Vegas Raiders (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Carolina Panthers

21.(25) Cleveland Browns (1-1) Week 3 opponent: New York Giants

22.(20) Chicago Bears (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Indianapolis Colts

23.(23) New England Patriots (1-1) Week 3 opponent: New York Jets

24.(24) Cincinnati Bengals (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Washington Commanders 

25.(18) Indianapolis Colts (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Chicago Bears

26.(19) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Buffalo Bills

27.(30) Washington Commanders (1-1) Week 3 opponent: Cincinnati Bengals

28.(11) Los Angeles Rams (0-2) Week 3 opponent: San Francisco 49ers

29.(29) Tennessee Titans (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Green Bay Packers

30.(31) New York Giants (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Cleveland Browns

31.(27) Denver Broncos (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

32.(32) Carolina Panthers (0-2) Week 3 opponent: Las Vegas Raiders 

Tuesday, September 17, 2024

Week 2 Fantasy Football Winners and Losers: 2024 Edition

Quarterback

MVP: Kyler Murray (Cardinals)

Performances like this remind everybody why the Cardinals retained Murray to lead their rebuilding efforts. The 2019 1st overall pick was electric with both his arm and his legs versus the Rams on Sunday, throwing for 266 YDS and 3 TD's and rushing for 59 on just 5 attempts. Murray will look to keep rolling against a vulnerable Lions pass defense in Week 3. 

Honorable Mentions: Jalen Hurts (Eagles), Baker Mayfield (Buccaneers), Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

LVP: Matthew Stafford (Rams)

Even before an ankle injury knocked Cooper Kupp out of the game right before halftime, it was tough sledding for Stafford against the Cardinals. Negative gamescript forced the Rams to lean on the pass as the Cards were up 21-0 16:30 into the game, but Stafford failed to turn those opportunities into points as he threw for 216 scoreless YDS and lost a fumble in what has to be one of the most deflating losses of the Sean McVay-era in LA. Now that both Kupp and Puka Nacua are on IR, it's going to be hard to justify rostering Stafford in any non-2QB league. 

Dishonorable Mentions: Caleb Williams (Bears), Josh Allen (Bills), Jared Goff (Lions)

Running Back

MVP: Alvin Kamara (Saints)

The Saints longtime back absolutely shredded the Cowboys defense damn near every time he touched the ball in Week 2, picking up 180 scrimmage YDS and 4 TD's on 22 touches (20 carries, 2 receptions). We'll know before too long whether this was a fluke or an early sign that the 29-year-old has made a surprise return to his vintage fantasy monster form.    

Honorable Mentions: James Cook (Bills), De'Von Achane (Dolphins), Breece Hall (Jets)

LVP: Rachaad White (Buccaneers)

More horrid run blocking from the Bucs and a groin ailment causing him to rotate in and out of the lineup for most of the game led to White putting up a complete stinker (10 CAR/18 YDS, 1 REC/5 YDS) against the Lions. With his currently ambiguous injury status, White owners should consider picking up Bucky Irving as insurance.   

Dishonorable Mentions: Zamir White (Raiders), Zack Moss (Bengals), D'Andre Swift (Bears)

Wide Receiver

MVP: Marvin Harrison Jr. (Cardinals)

Harrison Jr. was quiet for the final 3 quarters on Sunday versus the Rams. To be fair, he could afford to be since he turned 4 receptions into 130 YDS and 2 TD's in the opening frame. The rookie appears poised to put together a roller coaster of a season, but the highs like this will keep him on the WR1 periphery most weeks.      

Honorable Mentions: DK Metcalf (Seahawks), Malik Nabers (Giants), Nico Collins (Texans)

LVP: Amari Cooper (Browns)

A considerably sharper performance from Deshaun Watson didn't do anything to bring Amari Cooper out of the fantasy dumpster. Cooper has 5 catches for 27 YDS through 2 weeks after a dismal 3 REC/11 YD performance against the Jaguars. Anybody who elects to start him for their Week 3 tilt with the Giants will be playing with fire. 

Dishonorable Mentions: Michael Pittman Jr. (Colts), Christian Kirk (Jaguars), Tank Dell (Texans)

Tight End

MVP: George Kittle (49ers)

It wasn't a great day at the office for the 49ers as they suffered an upset loss to the Vikings, but at least Kittle got on track after a pretty quiet Week 1-registering 7 catches for 76 YDS and a TD. With Deebo Samuel projected to be out for multiple weeks with a calf strain and Brandon Aiyuk still shaking the rust off after sitting out for most of camp, Kittle could be in line for an increased role in the passing game over the next several games.       

Honorable Mentions: Trey McBride (Cardinals), Brock Bowers (Raiders), Mark Andrews (Ravens)

LVP: Travis Kelce (Chiefs)

Getting tackled on the goal line and a holding penalty that brought back a 41-YD gain prevented this day from going much better for Kelce, but alas, that's not how it worked out. Instead, Kelce put together a real quiet afternoon-catching 1-of-3 targets for 5 YDS and gaining a yard on a backwards pass that was ruled a rushing attempt in Sunday's win over the Bengals. While Kelce will certainly still shine at times, the reality is that the man is about to turn 35 and his days of being a weekly elite TE1 have passed him by.      

Dishonorable Mentions: Sam LaPorta (Lions), Dalton Schultz (Texans), Colby Parkinson (Rams)

Defense/Special Teams

MVP: Bills

A trip to Miami was just what the Bills defense needed to recover from their Week 1 woes. Buffalo picked up 3 INT's (including a pick 6) and 2 sacks in a commanding 31-10 victory over the Dolphins last Thursday night. They'll do battle with the 0-2 Jaguars in Week 3.    

Dishonorable Mentions: Texans, Vikings, Steelers

LVP: Cowboys

After a strong showing against the Browns in Week 1, the Cowboys got absolutely torched by the Saints in Week 2. They looked absolutely overwhelmed by the Saints suddenly explosive offense and every positive thing they did do (1 sack, INT, blocked extra point) was in garbage time of their 44-19 loss. A (likely) highly motivated Ravens offense awaits them next.  

Dishonorable Mentions: Eagles, Dolphins, Colts

Monday, September 16, 2024

Movie Review: Speak No Evil (2024)


Speak No Evil was fighting an uphill battle with most audiences from the jump. Cinephiles were pissed that a 2022 Danish film was getting an American remake so soon after the original's release while more casual movie fans that make regular treks to the theaters have been exposed to both of the film's trailers a whole hell of a lot over the past several months (particularly following the release of Twisters on July 19th) since Universal had no other imminent releases aimed at adults to promote. I'll admit to being neutral on this issue as I haven't seen the original and with the notable exception of The Bobs Burgers Movie a couple years back, am not someone who gets annoyed by seeing the same trailer over and over again in theaters. It's kind of a shame that Speak No Evil '24 had so much negativity surrounding its release because it's a good darkly comedic thriller that's legitimately great in spurts.

For those who aren't familiar with the Danish version or the trailer for this one, Speak No Evil focuses on an American family (Mackenzie Davis, Scoot McNairy, Alix West Lefler) vacationing in Italy who meet and bond with a free-spirited British family (James McAvoy, Aisling Francosi, Dan Hough) during the final few days of their trip. Soon after returning home, the Brits send the Americans-who live in London-a postcard inviting them out for a weekend stay at their farmhouse in the countryside. Feeling a trip to go see their new friends will be good for them as they navigate several issues on the domestic front, the Americans accept their invitation. After a warm welcome, things soon take a turn for the uncomfortable as their hosts engage in increasingly erratic, hostile behavior. As it becomes increasingly clear that something really sinister is afoot, the Americans have to find a way to covertly escape their host's clutches or risk being banished to a permanent resting place somewhere along the desolate British coast.

The entire mission statement of Speak No Evil is to explore and mock just how much bad behavior from other humans are willing to tolerate in the name of maintaining civility. Writer/director James Watkins (The Woman in Black, Eden Lake) does a really good job of gradually leveling up the passive aggressive/uncomfortable actions of the aggressors and displaying just how far they can go before the passive Americans finally get the nerve to confront them over it. This slow burn structure makes the film every bit as much of a behavioral study as it is a thriller and through some pretty good writing and strong performances-particularly from McAvoy, who brilliantly alternates between being disarmingly charming and an aggressive lunatic-we get a well-defined idea of who these characters are and how they got into this predicament by the time situation inventible really gets out of hand.     

When Speak No Evil does evolve into a violent full-blown genre exercise in the final act, Watkins maintains his steady hand. The (expected) departures it takes from the original pretty much all work since the suspense level is steady and there's some gruesome exclamation point moments tossed alongside the contrivances that pave the way to for an ending that is much more of a crowdpleaser than what Christian Tafdrup put into his version. Any remake that puts real effort into its craftmanship and doesn't just mindlessly regurgitate the previous film back up onto the screen is worth a watch and Speak No Evil definitely qualifies as that in my book.                          

Grade: B

Thursday, September 12, 2024

James McAvoy Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of James McAvoy-whose latest project "Speak No Evil" is in theaters today. 

James McAvoy's Filmography Ranked:

16.Gnomeo & Juliet (D)

15.Atonement (D+)

14.It Chapter Two (C-)

13.Glass (C-)

12.Filth (C-)

11.Split (C-)

10.The Book of Clarence (C)

9.Dark Phoenix (B)

8.The Last King of Scotland (B)

7.Arthur Christmas (B)

6.Trance (B)

5.X-Men: Apocalypse (B+)

4.Atomic Blonde (B+)

3.Wanted (B+)

2.X-Men: First Class (B+)

1.X-Men: Days of Future Past (A)

Top Dog: X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

The MCU's overwhelming dominance of the superhero space in the 2010's has managed to bury the excellence of something like Days of Future Past. It does something that feels particularly extraordinary now that we've seen shameless full-blown nostalgia plays in Spider-Man: No Way Home and Deadpool & Wolverine enter the world during this decade by finding an organic way to bridge the two eras of X-Men films together without the narrative becoming incoherent or betraying its character-driven focus. Plus, that Quicksilver kitchen scene remains one of the coolest things that has ever appeared in a superhero movie.   

Bottom Feeder: Gnomeo & Juliet (2011)

The lawn gnome jukebox musical filled with suspect covers of Elton John songs is very bad! If you're in the market for something with good Elton John covers, go watch Rocketman instead!  

Most Underrated: Wanted (2008)

As a proud owner of the 2-disc special edition DVD, I'll proudly take this opportunity to defend Wanted. There's just something so beautifully late 2000's about a cartoonish, chaotic action film that delights in reveling in its own silliness. I mean, this is a movie about a covert group of superhuman assassins that are headquartered in an old textile mill who take their orders from something called "The Loom of Fate". It would be insulting if the shootouts weren't gleefully manic bursts of total anarchy, the cast wasn't trying to one up each other in the overacting department for the entirety of the running time (McAvoy, Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman end up finishing on the podium) and everything wasn't delivered with a big wink. Timur Bekmambetov hasn't been made anything this fun since (although Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter comes pretty close), which is a real shame since it felt like he was on the path to becoming a sicko auteur here. Maybe next year's Mercy will mark a return to form.           

Most Overrated: Atonement (2007)

Bringing together the dryness of a British period drama with the over-the-top tearjerking theatrics of a soap opera is one way to ensure that I will strongly dislike a film. As bored as I was for the opening 100 or so minutes, the "twist" ending was really the piece de resistance that elevated Atonement into all-time groaner territory.        

Wednesday, September 11, 2024

2024 NFL Power Rankings: Week 2

 ()=Previous Ranking

1.(1) Kansas City Chiefs (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Cincinnati Bengals

2.(2) San Francisco 49ers (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Minnesota Vikings

3.(4) Detroit Lions (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

4.(5) Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Atlanta Falcons

5.(6) Houston Texans (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Chicago Bears

6.(3) Balitmore Ravens (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Las Vegas Raiders 

7.(7) Buffalo Bills (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Miami Dolphins

8.(9) Miami Dolphins (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Buffalo Bills

9.(11) Dallas Cowboys (1-0) Week 2 opponent: New Orleans Saints

10.(12) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Detroit Lions

11.(8) Los Angeles Rams (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Arizona Cardinals 

12.(13) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Denver Broncos

13.(10) Green Bay Packers (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Indianapolis Colts

14.(24) Los Angeles Chargers (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Carolina Panthers

15.(23) New Orleans Saints (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Dallas Cowboys

16.(22) Minnesota Vikings (1-0) Week 2 opponent: San Francisco 49ers

17.(18) Seattle Seahawks (1-0) Week 2 opponent: New England Patriots 

18.(19) Indianapolis Colts (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Green Bay Packers 

19.(16) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Cleveland Browns

20.(21) Chicago Bears (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Houston Texans

21.(15) Atlanta Falcons (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Philadelphia Eagles 

22.(20) New York Jets (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Tennessee Titans

23.(31) New England Patriots (1-0) Week 2 opponent: Seattle Seahawks 

24.(17) Cincinnati Bengals (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Kansas City Chiefs 

25.(14) Cleveland Browns (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Jacksonville Jaguars

26.(29) Arizona Cardinals (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Los Angeles Rams

27.(26) Denver Broncos (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Pittsburgh Steelers

28.(25) Las Vegas Raiders (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Baltimore Ravens

29.(27) Tennessee Titans (0-1) Week 2 opponent: New York Jets

30.(30) Washington Commanders (0-1) Week 2 opponent: New York Giants

31.(28) New York Giants (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Washington Commanders 

32.(32) Carolina Panthers (0-1) Week 2 opponent: Los Angeles Chargers 

Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Week 1 Fantasy Football Winners and Losers: 2024 Edition

Quarterback

MVP: Josh Allen (Bills)

No Stefon Diggs, no problem for Josh Allen. The Bills QB put together a vintage, get-on-my-back performance in a surprising Week 1 shootout with the frisky Cardinals, throwing for 232 YDS and 2 TD's and adding 39 YDS and another 2 TD's on the ground. Allen did sustain an injury to his non-throwing hand in the 4th quarter, but he's already been cleared to play in Thursday's night contest with the Dolphins, so his play level may not be affected all that much.   

Honorable Mentions: Jayden Daniels (Commanders), Anthony Richardson (Colts), Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

LVP: Joe Burrow (Bengals)

The Week 1 Bengals reared their ugly head yet again in 2024 and Burrow certainly contributed to their poor performance in a loss against a Patriots team that was widely predicted to be the worst in football this season-throwing for just 164 YDS, rushing for another 15 and scoring 0 TD's. A Week 2 trip to Arrowhead is about as bad of a bounceback spot as you could draw in the NFL, but maybe the bright lights will inspire Burrow and Zac Taylor to wake up after such a dismal performance in the season opener.   

Dishonorable Mentions: Caleb Williams (Bears), Dak Prescott (Cowboys), Brock Purdy (49ers) 

Running Back

MVP: Saquon Barkley (Eagles)

What a start to the Saquon Barkley era in Philly. The new Eagles running back put an absolute beatdown on the Packers in Sao Paulo on Friday night, picking up 132 YDS scrimmage YDS (109 rushing, 23 receiving) and 3 total TD's on 26 touches. Running behind a real offensive line for the first time in like 4 years should continue to do wonders for Barkley's production and if he stays healthy all season, I'd be surprised if he wasn't a top 3-5 overall back.

Honorable Mentions: Joe Mixon (Texans), Rhamondre Stevenson (Patriots), Alvin Kamara (Saints)

LVP: Raheem Mostert (Dolphins)

While it's too early to reach any meaningful conclusions, Mostert's Week 1 performance only intensified the concern that the 32-year-old back is speeding towards the wall after his surprising monster 2023 campaign. The Dolphins 1B back was putrid in his relatively limited action on Sunday against the Jaguars, picking up just 19 YDS on 8 touches (6 carries, 2 receptions). Making matters worse, Mostert suffered a chest injury at the end of the game and his availability on a short week for Thursday's contest with the Bills is up in the air. Fantasy managers should definitely consider adding Jeff Wilson Jr. on the wire this week if they have a roster spot available. 

Dishonorable Mentions: Javonte Williams (Broncos), Zamir White (Raiders) D'Andre Swift (Bears)

Wide Receiver

MVP: Jayden Reed (Packers)

Reed was the clear best offensive player for the Packers versus the Eagles in Week 1. The 2023 2nd round pick kicked off his sophomore campaign with a bang, posting a 4/138/1 receiving line and rushing for a 33-YD score on a beautifully executed jet sweep. Having Malik Willis under center for the next 2-4 weeks while Jordan Love heals from a sprained MCL could damper the Reed party for a bit, but he should remain a great fantasy asset in 2024 regardless of how Willis performs during his time in the starting lineup.     

Honorable Mentions: Cooper Kupp (Rams), Tyreek Hill (Dolphins), Mike Evans (Buccaneers)

LVP: Marvin Harrison Jr. (Cardinals)

Anybody who expected Harrison Jr. to enter the NFL with a bang had to have been really sad on Sunday. Kyler Murray barely even acknowledged MHJ was on the field against a stingy Bills secondary as he was targeted just 3 times and only hauled in a single catch for 4 YDS on the day. While there's zero chance that Greg Dortch will continue to be the team's most targeted/productive receiver, Harrison Jr. could have a tough time breaking through in Week 2 against a Rams secondary that just put the clamps on Amon-Ra St. Brown.   

Dishonorable Mentions: Amon-Ra St. Brown (Lions), Chris Olave (Saints), Drake London (Falcons)

Tight End

MVP: Kyle Pitts (Falcons)

Since Isaiah Likely was only rostered in about 25-30% of all leagues on the major fantasy sites coming into this week, the criteria for standout performances for tight ends had to be lowered considerably since literally nobody else playing the position had a great game besides him. Leading the crop of popular TE Week 1 starters was none other than Kyle Pitts aka the man who has spent the majority of the past 2 seasons breaking his fantasy managers hearts. The long-tortured Falcons TE celebrated his 1st game free from the clutches of Arthur Smith's scheme by finding the endzone for just the 7th time in his career against the Steelers. That TD helped elevate an otherwise blah line (3 REC/26 YDS) on a day where Kirk Cousins looked terrible, and some Falcons fans have already started to call for Michael Penix Jr. to be named the starting quarterback. We'll see how where the Pitts roller coaster goes from here, but it was thrilling to see him kick off his prospective redemption campaign on the right foot.         

Honorable Mentions: Brock Bowers (Raiders), Sam LaPorta (Lions), David Njoku (Browns)

LVP: Dalton Kincaid (Bills)

Anybody who invested a top 60-70 pick on Kincaid has to be shitting themselves right now (I know I am!). The 2nd year tight end who was expected to be the top beneficiary from all the shakeups in the Bills receiver room this offseason was outtargeted by 3 Bills pass-catchers and outgained by 8 as he caught just 1-of-2 targets for 11 YDS in Sunday's win against the Cardinals. To be fair to Kincaid, Keon Coleman was the only guy on the team to get more than 3 targets as Joe Brady once again favored the run a bit with his playcalling (Allen only threw 23 passes on the day). Kincaid has a date with the Dolphins in Week 2.  

Dishonorable Mentions: Evan Engram (Jaguars), Mark Andrews (Ravens), Luke Musgrave (Packers)

Defense/Special Teams

MVP: Bears

The clock turned back to 2006 as big plays from the D/ST and the dynamite right leg of their kicker (Cairo Santos) allowed the Bears to win a game they had no business winning. After going down 17-0 to a pretty young Titans team, this group went berserk-picking up 3 sacks, 2 INT's, a fumble recovery, blocked punt, 2 TD's (return on the blocked punt by the Jonathan Owens, pick 6 by Tyrique Stevenson) and allowing 0 points the rest of the way as they pulled out a 24-17 victory. This group will likely have to be spectacular again if they want to knock off the Texans on the road in Week 2.   

Honorable Mentions: Cowboys, Vikings, Saints

LVP: Jets

The vaunted Jets defense had absolutely zero answers for the Christian McCaffery-less 49ers offense last night as Jordan Mason ran all over them, Jake Moody booted 6 field goals and everybody besides Brandon Aiyuk was able to haul a few big catches on them in the passing game in a 32-19 loss. 3 sacks ended up being the only positive contributions they made in the game. A date with the Will Levis-led Titans offense that opened up the door for the Bears to make their aforementioned hilarious improbable comeback last Sunday should be just what the doctor ordered for them to return to their elite form.   

Dishonorable Mentions: Bengals, Browns, Eagles

Monday, September 9, 2024

Movie Review: The Front Room


There's something admirable about setting out to make a goofy little movie and getting the job done. The Front Room-a proudly campy psychological thriller which marks the directorial debut of Sam and Max Eggers (yes, they are indeed related to Robert)-pulls off this feat with relative ease. 

About 95% of The Front Room deals with the domestic power struggle that breaks out between Belinda (Brandy Norwood) and Norman (Andrew Bernap)-a married couple with a child on the way and Norman's long-estranged stepmother Solange (Kathryn Hunter) after she moves into their home following the death of Norman's father. Solange is a God-fearing woman who believes she is a vessel for the Holy Spirit who relentlessly manipulates the people around her into doing what she wants. The couple, who only took Solange in since she was willing to pay off their considerable debts, take immediate issue with her behavior-especially her casual racism towards Belinda and her leveraging the financial assistance she's providing them with to dictate everything from the way their house is decorated to how they raise their child. Things eventually escalate to the point where it's clear that this living arrangement is not going to work out and somebody in the house is going to be forced to leave one way or the other.     

Outside of the clunky moments where it puts a heightened emphasis on making Solange an avatar for the suffocating influence of White Chrisitan Nationalism on the world, The Eggers Brothers fare pretty well with the choices they make here. The challenging mix of building an atmosphere that gradually shifts as one person's response to the other's mind games goes from civil to hostile and playing into the absurdity of this scenario with moments of goofy, gross-out humor is handled smoothly, the cartoonishly diabolical Hunter and the empathetic/volcanic Norwood make for great sparring partners-particularly when the film evolves into its weirdest, nuttiest form in the final 30 minutes and there are some really cool stylistic flourishes (the montage!) scattered throughout this thing that show that these guys have some real juice as filmmakers. The Front Room is a breezy, low stakes ride even with the clear first films warts that are all over it and I'm interested to see how their craft evolves from here.        

Grade: B-

Friday, September 6, 2024

Justin Theroux Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Justin Theroux-whose latest project "Beetlejuice Beetlejuice" is in theaters now. 

Justin Theroux's Filmography Ranked:

(Note: I've also seen Mullholland Drive, but I was 16 or 17 when I watched it and it's become increasingly clear that I didn't understand it at all, so I'm not comfortable rating it here)

16.False Positive (D+)

15.Duplex (C-)

14.Zoolander 2 (C)

13.Your Highness (C)

12.Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (C)

11.The Lego Ninjago Movie (B-)

10.Megamind (B-)

9.Wanderlust (B-)

8.The Spy Who Dumped Me (B)

7.Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (B)

6.The Girl on the Train (B+)

5.Bumblebee (B+)

4.Tropic Thunder (B+)

3.Miami Vice (A-)

2.Zoolander (A)

1.American Psycho (A)

Top Dog: American Psycho (2000)

Anchored by an incendiary Christian Bale performance that remains a career highlight of his and exceptional script from director Mary Herron and Guinevere Turner that delivers scathing satire on America's obsession with vanity and consumerism, American Psycho is a darkly comedic masterpiece that has aged beautifully.    

Bottom Feeder: False Positive (2021)

With False Positive, Ilana Glazer and veteran TV comedy director/writer John Lee-who worked with Glazer on Broad City-proved they are way out of their depths in the realm of horror. This A24-backed project that got sold off to Hulu as a result of some COVID-driven release reshuffling doesn't come where anywhere close to living up to its aspirations to be a modern feminist take on Rosemary's Baby. Glazer is remarkably stiff in the lead role, the attempts at building psychological terror and/or delivering jump scares are awkward to the point where it's not clear if Lee has even seen a horror movie before and the ending is so abysmal that it's almost breathtaking.The only thing in False Positive that does work is Pierce Brosnan, who weaponizes his signature charm to play a renowned fertility doctor who harbors some sinister secrets, but it would've taken about a dozen more performances like this for the film to overcome the suffocating grasp of its amateurish framework.         

Most Underrated: The Girl on the Train (2016)

The Girl on the Train is one of the better films to come out of the post-Gone Girl boom of twisty, soapy mystery thrillers based on bestselling novels. Emily Blunt is sensational as a depressed, binge-drinking divorcee who gets embroiled in a salacious missing persons investigation involving the nanny (Hayley Bennett) of her ex-husband's (Theroux) child with his new wife (Rebecca Ferguson) that she secretly spies on from a commuter train every day, Tate Taylor deftly balances the pulpy elements of the story with the serious ones and the parade of twists-some expected, some not-lead to a very satisfying finale. 

Most Overrated: Megamind (2010)

Dreamworks Animation has been a notoriously erratic operation since its inception in 1994. Megamind falls into what might be the least exciting and smallest portion of their catalog: competent but forgettable. I actually only saw Megamind for the first time 2 years ago and I've already forgotten damn near everything about it other than its pretty inspired plot twist and the top 4 members of the voice cast (Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill). Other than that, it's nothing more than an undemanding watch that does a fine enough job of goofing on supervillain/superhero tropes.    

Most Inexplicable, Soul-Crushing Letdown: Zoolander 2 (2016)

Zoolander is one of my favorite comedies ever, so when the news came out that Ben Stiller, Theroux, Owen Wilson and the rest of the core creative team from the original were returning to make a sequel, I was thrilled. Everybody's hearts seemed to be in it, they added some great talent to the cast (Penelope Cruz, Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) and the trailers were hilarious. What could possibly go wrong? Turns out, quite a bit! The movie just simply lacked the infectious goofy spark of the original and the laughs were far more sporadic as a result. It's baffling how the movie turned out to be so average, but alas, it did and the sting of the disappointment from its failure to deliver will come rushing back whenever I think about or hear it mentioned somewhere.      

Thursday, September 5, 2024

2024 NFL Prediction-Palooza: Playoffs, Super Bowl, MVP and More

Real football is finally here as the defending Super Bowl Champion Kansas City Chiefs and Baltimore Ravens kick off the 2024 NFL Season tonight in Kansas City.  As per tradition around these parts, today is also the day where I drop my huge list of predictions for the season that includes everything from the Super Bowl winner to which coach I believe has the highest odds of being fired during the season. It's a fun albeit silly exercise that serves as a welcome reminder that the NFL is officially back, which is more important than the accuracy of the picks this time of year anyways. Enjoy the game tonight and all of the Week 1 action everybody.     

Playoffs:

AFC:

1.Chiefs

2.Ravens

3.Dolphins

4.Texans

5.Steelers

6.Bills

7.Colts

Wild Card:

Ravens over Colts

Bills over Dolphins

Texans over Steelers

Divisional Round:

Chiefs over Bills

Texans over Ravens

Conference Championship:

Chiefs over Texans

NFC:

1.Rams

2.Packers

3.Eagles

4.Falcons

5.Lions

6.49ers

7.Bears

Wild Card:

Packers over Bears

49ers over Eagles

Lions over Falcons

Divisional Round:

Rams over 49ers

Packers over Lions

Conference Championship:

Packers over Rams

Super Bowl:

Chiefs over Packers

Awards:

MVP: Jordan Love (Packers)

Offensive Player of the Year: Justin Jefferson (Vikings)

Defensive Player of the Year: Nick Bosa (49ers)

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Caleb Williams (Bears)

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Laitu Latu (Colts)

Comeback Player of the Year: Sam Darnold (Vikings)

Coach of the Year: Sean McVay (Rams)

League Leaders:

Passing YDS: Tua Tagovailoa (Dolphins)

Passing TD's: Jordan Love (Packers)

Rushing YDS:  Saquon Barkley (Eagles)

Rushing TD's: Najee Harris (Steelers)

Receiving YDS: Justin Jefferson (Vikings)

Receiving TD's: DK Metcalf (Seahawks) 

Receptions: Chris Olave (Saints)

Sacks: Nick Bosa (49ers)

Interceptions: Rasul Douglas (Bills)

Forced Fumbles: Chris Jones (Chiefs)

Tackles: Ja'Whaun Bentley (Patriots)

Miscellaneous Awards:

AFC Team Most Likely to Surprise: Colts

AFC Team Most Likely to Disappoint: Bengals

NFC Team Most Likely to Surprise: Vikings

NFC Team Most Likely to Disappoint: Cowboys

Coach Most Likely to Be Fired in Season: Mike McCarthy (Cowboys)

Wednesday, September 4, 2024

2024 NFL Preview: NFC West

 Arizona Cardinals

2023 Record: 4-13 (4th in NFC West)

Head Coach: Jonathan Gannon (2nd season)

Notable Additions: T Jonah Williams, CB Sean Murphy-Bunting, WR Zay Jones

Notable Departures: WR Marquise Brown, T D.J. Humphries, WR Rondale Moore

Biggest Reason for Excitement: Marvin Harrison Jr.

With all the quarterback action at the top of the draft and Kyler Murray locked in as their starter, the Cardinals had the luxury of sitting and picking any non-QB they had their eyes on at #4. To the surprise of no one, that player ended up being Marvin Harrison Jr. 

A WR reset was inevitable for the Cardinals after they got rid of DeAndre Hopkins prior to last season and the lack of a top WR showed up in a big way as no receiver on their roster even reached 600 YDS as Marquise Brown once again battled injuries and erratic play, Rondale Moore failed to do much of anything and 2023 3rd round pick Michael Wilson played too sparingly for most of the season to hit any truly impressive threshold. Landing MHJ to be the WR1 for this next era of Cardinals football is a godsend that should help their rebuilding efforts tremendously. 

The term "generational prospect" gets tossed around a bit too much these days, but in the case of Harrison Jr, I believe it's apt. What this kid did on the field during his 2 years as a starter at Ohio State was just absurd. Not only he is a matchup nightmare on account of his height, body control and leaping ability, but he runs crisp routes and has the speed and agility to make plays after the catch. Whatever NFL learning curve exists for him shouldn't hold him back too much as his game is stunningly polished for being such a young player and it wouldn't be at all surprising if he matched the historic levels of brilliance that Justin Jefferson and Ja'Marr Chase displayed during their rookie seasons earlier this decade.

At the bare minimum, Harrison Jr.'s presence should create more open looks for Wilson and Trey McBride-who had himself a pretty strong 2023 (81 REC/825 YDS/3 TD's) after a quiet opening 5 weeks where he was targeted just 10 times- and increase the diversity of their passing attack right away. This pass-catching group suddenly looks pretty strong and given what Murray has proven he can do as a passer, this unit could even flirt with being a top 10 group this season if everybody does their job at least a passable level.               

Biggest Reason for Concern: Defense

The Cardinals surprised many people last season with just how competitive they were despite the staggering lack of talent they had on their roster. One area where they were actually quite bad was on defense. Jonathan Gannon's expertise couldn't do anything to lift this group from the bowels of the league as they finished with the 31st ranked scoring defense for the 2nd straight season. Their other metrics were similarly miserable as they ranked dead last in rushing defense, dead last in 3 down%, 24th in redzone defense, 30th in sacks, tied for 28th in takeaways and 30th in pass TD's allowed (although they did ironically rank a respectable 13th in passing YDS allowed).

What's really odd about their rebuilding efforts is just how much more they've invested in their offense than the defense. Perhaps that's due to having Kyler Murray at QB along with the current trends of the league, but it still feels weird to pay so much more attention to the side of the ball that's presenting you far less problems in your quest to build a winning football team. 

Their projected starting Week 1 lineup for 2024 is about an even mix of returning starters and new faces, which isn't a surprise for a rebuilding team that stunk last year. On the incumbent front, there's Roy Lopez (nose tackle), Dennis Gardeck (left outside linebacker), Kyzir White (inside linebacker), Zaven Collins (right outside linebacker), Garrett Williams (slot corner), Budda Baker (strong safety) and Jalen Thompson (free safety). As for the new faces, we have Bilal Nichols (left defensive end), Justin Jones (right defensive end), Mack Wilson (inside linebacker), Sean Murphy-Bunting (left outside corner) and rookie Max Melton (right outside corner). Rookie edge rusher/defensive lineman Darius Robinson should also have a place in their front 7 rotation once he gets off IR with a calf injury.

What part of this group can really be considered a strength? Safety perhaps as Baker was the highest paid safety in the league at one point and Thompson is a solid established NFL starter. Other than that, it's just a whole lot of blah. Their new vet additions are basically all just average-to-below-average journeyman who won't be missed at all by their previous teams, Gardeck did alright as their top pass-rusher (6 sacks), but no one is going to stay up all night figuring out how to stop off from wreaking havoc on the edge, White kind of sucked last year and Melton is far from a home run prospect given his track record of getting burned deep and committing awful PI's at Rutgers. Gannon and DC Nick Rallis are going to have pull a whole lot of tricks out of their sleeves to elevate this group to an acceptable level this season.           

Key to Reaching Their Ceiling: Continuing to Overachieve

As I mentioned above, the 2023 Cardinals were a very pleasant surprise. It was almost reminiscent of what Dan Campbell did in his 1st year with the Lions in 2021 as the whole team bought into Gannon's program and played hard, tough football for 4 quarters no matter the quality of the opponent they were facing. We can't realistically expect this team to mirror what the Lions did following the 2021 season, but it's hard not to be encouraged by the progress the current regime has already made.

As they step into year #2 of the rebuild, their only real goal this year is continuing to overachieve. Having Murray fully healthy in Week 1 with a better set of weapons and a hopefully improved offensive line with Jonah Williams entering the fold and Paris Johnson Jr. stepping into LT spot full time puts them in a much more ideal spot than they were at this time last year and while nobody will be caught off guard by their tenacity this season, maintaining it will be crucial to hitting their ceiling in 2024. Say they get up to 6-8 wins this year, then they can really start cooking in terms of bringing in impact free agents, homing in on more specific areas of need instead of just throwing a bunch of shit at their plethora of issues and hoping something sticks.

Bottom Line:

While I'm not willing to back some of the wackier takes out there about this team being a possible playoff contender, the Cardinals are well-positioned to take the next step forward in their rebuild in 2024.         

Los Angeles Rams

2023 Record: 10-7 (2nd in NFC West)  

Head Coach: Sean McVay (8th season)

Notable Additions: CB Tre'Davious White, S Kamren Curl, CB Darious Williams 

Notable Departures: DT Aaron Donald (retired), S Jordan Fuller, ILB Ernest Jones

Biggest Reason for Excitement: All of the New Arrivals in the Secondary

The Rams retooling efforts in the secondary in 2023 brought on by their divorces with Jalen Ramsey, Taylor Rapp, Nick Scott and Troy Hill didn't work out so great as they ranked 20th in passing defense, 22nd in passing TD's allowed and 23rd in INT's. 2024 is bringing on yet another retooling of the secondary, only this time the new names joining the roster are a whole lot sexier than Akhello Witherspoon, Duke Shelley and Russ Yeast.

Basically, Les Snead went out and found every undervalued or diminished asset he could find in free agency. Let's start with a familiar face around the Rams facility in Darious Williams. The 31-year old was great with the Jaguars last year-registering 19 passes defensed, 4 INT's, a 55% CMP against and only 2 TD's allowed, but somehow got released in March despite outplaying his younger counterparts headlined by Tyson Campbell-who they just gave an extension to. Then, there's Kamren Curl-who will be replacing longtime Ram Jordan Fuller who left for the Panthers in free agency. Curl makes up for his lack of pizzaz by playing tough, sound football that allows him to be one of the most reliable free safeties in the league, particularly in run support where his terrific instincts really shine. Rounding out the new additions is the highest risk/highest reward pickup in Tre'Davious White. Everybody who followed White in Buffalo knows the book on him. He's easily one of the best coverage corners in the league right now, he just hasn't been able to stay healthy for the majority of his career. Having a vet in Williams as insurance for White lessen the risk however, which makes the experiment of starting White at outside corner a savvy one for the Rams.

Pairing these 3 with Quentin Lake-who is elevating to a full-time starting role after playing pretty well in a spot starter/#4 corner role last year and John Johnson III-who was a mixed bag in his return to the Rams last year-gives the Rams the potential to be great at secondary this year and in a wide-open NFC, that might be all they need to get back to the Super Bowl.        

Biggest Reason for Concern: Replacing Aaron Donald

What Aaron Donald accomplished over the course of 10 NFL seasons is something that we as football fans probably haven't even fully grasped yet.  As an undersized (6'1, 280lbs) player with elite speed and a level of strength you'd expect from a 320lbs lineman, he was a singular freak that was downright unblockable. His stats (111 career sacks including a league leading 20.5 in 2018, 176 TFL's, 543 total tackles, 260 QB hits, 258 pressures) and accolades (8x First Team All-Pro selection, 10x Pro Bowl appearances) speak volumes about the type of player he was, but nothing can really quantify the full impact he made for a Rams organization that was all over the map in terms of skill during his tenure there.

Now comes the dreaded question that Sean McVay, Snead and everybody else in their building had hoped they could wait a bit longer to confront: What's the succession plan for Donald? In a way, this is like the Patriots having to replace Tom Brady because the poor slab stepping into the starting DT role this year has been cursed with the task of directly following a fucking legend who dominated their position at unprecedented levels. No disrespect to Braden Fiske but tasking a rookie with this gig is a tall, almost rude order. What happens if the pass rush fails to get going without all the open gaps and double/triple team looks Donald created with his presence? Or the linebackers don't fly around as freely in the backfield as they once did? Fair or not, people are going to come for Fiske and that could crush the rookie's confidence before he even gets the opportunity to gain traction in the pros.

While Fiske has the unfortunate task of directly replacing him in the starting lineup, the temperature is also going to be rising for Kobie Turner. The Wake Forest product feasted alongside Donald last season-leading all rookies with 9 sacks and ended up finishing in 3rd place in the DROTY vote behind Will Anderson and Jalen Carter. He's going to have to prove he can disrupt on the interior without Donald eating up space alongside him and he'll be getting thrown into the fire immediately when he goes up the Lions ferocious interior line on Sunday night. 

The question really isn't will the Rams front regress, it's how long will it take for fans to start lobbying for Donald to come out of retirement? I'll give it 5 weeks personally and that's assuming that they show well enough against the Cardinals and Bears in Weeks 2 and 4.      

Key to Reaching Their Ceiling: Matthew Stafford Remaining Healthy

While the raw stats (3,965 YDS/24 TD's/11 INT's/62.6 CMP%) and 9-6 record as a starter aren't the prettiest, Stafford was the catalyst for the Rams turnaround last season. He was lights out when it mattered most last season-having 5 multi-TD games in his last 7 starts (6-1 record over that stretch), the rapport he developed with Puka Nacua right away was incredible and perhaps most importantly, he put together a sensational performance in their heartbreaking Wild Card loss to the Lions that kept them in the game till the bitter end.

The hard pill to swallow for the Rams is that Stafford is currently 36 and will be turning 37 in February. Given his injury history-which included a sprained UCL and that weird elbow ailment that is typically found in MLB pitchers, not football players that severely limited his training camp practice time last season, his days in the NFL are likely numbered. The team seems to realize this as well as they reworked Stafford's contract to move his guaranteed money for the 2025 season into this season, which is the type of move you make when you have questions about your QB's long-term future.

This is why Stafford staying healthy in 2024 is so imperative. He could very well be looking at his last ride in the pros and no matter how much McVay schemes shit up, Jimmy Garoppolo or Stetson "4 picks in a preseason game" Bennett are not going to be able to provide this offense with the freedom to be explosive and spontaneous that Stafford does. This team is smart and well-coached enough to come up with a viable succession plan for Stafford when the times comes, but this year is all about what #9 can do for them and their only chance of getting him another ring before he walks away is with him leading them there.

Bottom Line:

As long as Matthew Stafford remains healthy, the Rams should return to the playoffs and be a dark horse NFC contender.             

San Francisco 49ers

2023 Record: 12-5 (1st in NFC West)

Head Coach: Kyle Shanahan (8th season)

Notable Additions: EDGE Leonard Floyd, LB De'Vondre Campbell, DT Jordan Elliott

Notable Departures: DT Arik Armstead, EDGE Chase Young, DT Javon Kinlaw

Biggest Reason for Excitement: Brandon Aiyuk and Trent Williams Re-Signing Before Week 1

What a difference a week makes! If I'd written this shit really any time before last Friday, Aiyuk and Williams holding out would've been the top concern. Now, that they're both officially back in the fold, it's all sunshine and rainbows out in Santa Clara. Aiyuk has been their leading WR in each of the past 2 seasons and Williams is the glue that holds their entire OL together as his 2-game absence last season where Brock Purdy threw 2 total TD's and over a third of his INT's on the season (4) as the offense posted back-to-back 17-point performances in a pair of losses to the Vikings and Bengals proved. This team could not afford to not have them out there for Week 1 and the fact that they will indeed be playing all but entirely tables the 49ers regression talk for now.   

Biggest Reason for Concern: Christian McCaffery Getting Hit by the Madden Curse

There are plenty of more "legitimate" reasons for concern surrounding the 49ers than this. Fear of committing to Purdy long term after this year, Williams taking a step back at age 36 with no training camp run and subsequently causing their otherwise suspect o-line to completely implode, not having an adequate replacement for Arik Armstead-who was cut back in March and Brandon Staley joining the coaching staff resulting in the rapid decay of Kyle Shanahan's decision-making skills are all realistic things that could go wrong with the team. But Williams ending his holdout yesterday dared my superstitious ass to pivot to the old faithful narrative that is the Madden Curse, and I unfortunately couldn't deny that impulse. 

In recent years, Madden cover athletes have managed to mostly allude disaster. Lamar Jackson won his 1st playoff game in the year that he appeared on the cover (2020). Josh Allen was his usual spectacular, occasionally erratic self in 2023. Hell, Patrick Mahomes won the damn Super Bowl when he made his 1st appearance on the cover in 2019. You could actually make a pretty strong argument that nobody has truly been done in by the Madden Curse since Rob Gronkowski in 2016, where sustained 3 separate injuries (hamstring strain, pulmonary contusion, herniated disk in his back) that limited him to appearing in 8 games-which marked the 2nd lowest played games total of his career.

McCaffery is an elite candidate to break this lengthy run of Madden cover athletes not succumbing to the Curse. A key factor in this run of Madden not claiming the soul of the man graces its cover is that it's mostly been QB's being featured on the cover of late and none of them are injury-prone yet. CMC is the first face of Madden to have that ugly distinction attached to his name since Gronkowski.

His MVP-caliber play since joining the 49ers has kind of overshadowed the fact that McCaffery played in just 10 total games during his final 2 full seasons in Carolina in 2020 and 2021. He also just returned to practice yesterday after sitting out for nearly a month with a calf problem. As a 28-year old back who receives the obscene workloads that he does every year, he's due for an IR stint and this year could very well be when that happens.

An extended absence from McCaffery could be devastating for this offense. Now that Derrick Henry is in Baltimore, the 49ers may be the only team in the league that has built their entire offense around a running back. De facto backup Jordan Mason-who is once again stepping in for Elijah Mitchell after the 49ers starting back prior to McCaffery suffered yet another season-ending injury last week-has crazy burst and solid elusiveness, but he's not the pass-catcher or dynamic weapon that CMC is, which would limit what Shanahan could do and subsequently impact how elite game manager Purdy looks out there. 

Knowing the kinds of psychos that Shanahan and GM John Lynch are, they very well could have brought various sorcerers, witches, etc. into the facility in an attempt to protect McCaffery's health in this pivotal season for their franchise. Unsanctioned magic versus the Madden Curse would make for a hell of a battle, so I'm going to hope that this half-joke I came up with about 90 seconds before writing this paragraph is actually true.       

Key to Reaching Their Ceiling: Retaining Their Defensive Excellence After Another Coordinator Change

I can't even begin to provide any real reasons for what went "wrong" during Steve Wilks' 1-year tenure as the 49ers DC. All I know is that Shanahan made him move from the press box to the sidelines following a 3-game losing streak in late October that the broadcasters during every 49ers game for the remainder of the season went out of their way to discuss on air, which was sincerely hilarious to me. Their stats were actually great once again (3rd in scoring defense, 3rd in rushing defense, tied for 7th in sacks, 14th in passing defense-which marked a 6-spot improvement from 2022) overall and the deficiencies they had were the same ones they had in 2022 (3rd down, redzone). That being said, they never felt quite as dominant or intimidating as they were under Robert Saleh or Demeco Ryans. In all likelihood, Shanahan probably just didn't like Wilks every much (they hadn't worked together prior to this-which is not the typical protocol for a Shanahan hire) and needed to somebody to scapegoat after he blew another Super Bowl against the Chiefs. Wilks' dismissal ultimately paved the way for Nick Sorensen to be promoted to DC.

Sorensen's path to this job was a little odd. The former NFL backup safety/special teamer got his start as an assistant special teams coach under Pete Carroll in Seattle back in 2013 before switching over to being a DB coach in 2016-which is a position he held until 2021 when Urban Meyer hired him to be the special teams coordinator in Jacksonville. Once Meyer was fired, Sorensen landed with the 49ers for 2022 and returned to his defensive roots-which eventually brought him to where he is now. The Sorensen hire is particularly strange since Shanahan tapped a veteran defensive playcaller in Staley to be assistant head coach/general defensive assistant instead of hiring him to be DC. It'll probably work out for Shanahan as it doesn't involve playcalling in the second half of a Super Bowl his team is leading in, but it's a curious move nonetheless. 

The best thing you can say about Sorensen's chances are that he came up under an excellent coach in Carroll, has ample experience as a position coach and most importantly, has one of the best collections of defensive talent in football led by Nick Bosa, Fred Warner and Charvarius Ward. Sorensen is going to have a tough time not succeeding with all this talent at his disposal and this group is going to have a hard time being rendered ineffective by a coach. With all that being said, switching coordinators for the 3rd time in the last 3 seasons and 4th time in the last 6 is a difficult challenge for any team to take on and the 49ers ability to handle that challenge will say a lot about just how good this team really is.        

Bottom Line:

This is probably the most question marks that has surrounded the 49ers since Shanahan was briefly on the hot seat following his 4-12 2018 campaign. However, it would be pretty shocking if this team didn't solve at least the majority of their issues and end up returning to at least the NFC Championship Game for the 5th time in the last 6 years. 

Seattle Seahawks

2023 Record: 9-8 (3rd in NFC West)

Head Coach: Mike Macdonald (1st season)

Notable Additions: C Connor Williams, S Rayshawn Jenkins, LB Jerome Baker

Notable Departures: LB Bobby Wagner, G Damien Lewis, S Jamal Adams

Biggest Reason for Excitement: The Prospect of Mike Macdonald What Can Do for Their Defense

Since the Legion of Boom aged out of stardom and Kris Richard got fired following the 2017 season, the Seahawks defense has been scrambling for answers with mostly shaky results. From 2018-23, they haven't finished higher than 11th in the league in scoring defense and in 3 of those seasons (including the past 2 under Clint Hurtt), they've ranked in the 20's. This inability to get the defense figured out along with their lack of a playoff win since 2019 undoubtedly contributed to the surprising ouster of Pete Carroll as head coach after 14 seasons back in January.

GM John Schneider showed that his mindset in hiring coaches hasn't changed in the past 15 years as the Seahawks named one of the top defensive coaching candidates on the market in Mike Macdonald as their new head coach (it is still a little bit surprising that Dan Quinn didn't land here given his history with Schneider and the team). Macdonald oversaw one of the greatest defenses in recent history with the Ravens last season and having somebody who just put together a historically good defense step into your building is a huge boost for this Seattle team right now. 

What makes Macdonald's arrival particularly exciting is just how good his development track record was in Baltimore. Roquan Smith, Brandon Stephens, Patrick Queen, and Justin Madubuike are just a handful of the guys who majorly improved as football players under Macdonald. He also did a great job of bringing Kyle Hamilton into the fold and taking full advantage of his unique skill set by lining him up throughout the secondary.

As shaky as the Seahawks defense has been of late, they have several promising pieces here. Devon Witherspoon is a potential shutdown outside corner who've probably would've seriously challenged Will Anderson for Defensive Rookie of the Year if he hadn't missed 3 games with injury (he still finished in 4th despite the missed time). Boye Mafe was pretty damn good in his 1st season as a starter last year, picking up 9 sacks, 9 TFL's, 16 QB hits and 25 pressures. Julian Love took another step forward in his 1st season with the Seahawks, nabbing a career-high 4 INT's and 10 passes defensed-which earned him a 3-year extension in July. Leonard Williams is a consistently strong interior defensive lineman who played great after coming over from the Giants at the deadline last season and it was wise for the 'Hawks to bring him back while he's still in his prime. Riq Woolen was a straight ballhawk in 2022 before regressing last year to the point where Carroll and Hurtt benched him for a few games. Rookie Byron Murphy was one of the top interior disruptors in college football last year and he has the luxury of playing alongside Williams right away. Jerome Baker will be looking to return to his sharp, steady ILB form after an injury-plagued 2023 that led to his release from the Dolphins. Uchenna Nowsu is one of the most underrated pass rushers in the league when healthy (9.5 sacks in 2022) and him and Mafe have the potential to clean up once Nowsu returns from a sprained MCL in the next couple weeks. 

These are just the guys who've flashed and/or aren't known mediocre journeyman, they have several others (Coby Bryant, Derick Hall, Tyrel Dodson, Tre Brown) who've yet to prove anything at this level that could start to thrive under Macdonald.

There's a lot of moldable talent amongst this group despite all of their recent struggles and bringing in an elite defensive mind to piece it all together could bring forth a substantial improvement if everything goes smoothly in both sides' transition process.                 

Biggest Reason for Concern: OC Ryan Grubb's Lack of NFL Experience

This was a huge hiring cycle for OC's with the likes of Kellen Moore, Liam Coen, Kliff Kingsbury, Zac Robinson and former Seahawks OC Shane Waldron commanding a ton of attention on the market before ultimately getting hired. Arguably the most outside the box hire that was made this year was Ryan Grubb-a longtime college assistant who most recently worked as the OC at the University of Washington. Grubb was actually in the running be to head coach there after his longtime boss Kalen DeBoer left to replace Nick Saban at Alabama but elected to leave the school when they named Jedd Fisch HC over him and ended up with the Seahawks OC gig a few weeks later.

Grubb has spent the past 19 seasons of his coaching career in the college ranks, starting as the running backs coach at South Dakota State in 2005 and later going to be an OC at DII school Sioux Falls, Fresno State and Washington. This will be the 1st season he coaches in the NFL and is a gig that he may've never been in the running for if Washington had promoted him to head coach.

While we have no idea what kind of playcaller Grubb will be in the pros, we do know what he did at Washington: Ran an incredible vertical passing attack that made them one of the most lethal offenses in the country over the past 2 seasons. This deep pass, jump ball-driven system revitalized the lengthy college career of Michael Penix Jr. and got 3 WR's (Rome Odunze, Ja'Lynn Polk, Jalen McMillan) selected within the top 95 picks of this year's draft. Will this scheme translate to the pros? In theory, yes. Geno Smith is an underrated, accurate deep ball thrower and DK Metcalf, Jaxson Smith-Njigba, Tyler Lockett and Noah Fant are the kind of players that can go up and make deep contested catches in the pros. But that whole plan of attack feels far too basic and boring to work at the NFL level. Grubb's ability to adapt to complexities of the pro game and adjust his playcalling and scheming as needed will dictate whether he's the next Joe Brady or Steve Sarkisian.       

Key to Reaching Their Ceiling: Offensive Line Play

Honestly, this feels like it's something that could be applied to the Seahawks in about 12 of the past 15 seasons.  This season just happens to be of particular importance with Grubb's vertical-driven attack coming in. Even with somebody like Smith under center who gets the ball out quickly and handles pressure pretty well, this team couldn't have handled a deep passing attack last year as he simply did not have enough time in most cases to hit any receiver that was more than 10-12 yards down field. 

The good news for the Seahawks is that the starting line has basically been entired turned over from a year ago. With 3rd year right tackle Abraham Lucas starting the year on the PUP list, left tackle Charles Cross will be the only Week 1 starter from a year ago on this field this Sunday against the Broncos. Joining Cross-who is coming off a solid sophomore campaign-in the starting lineup will be center Connor Williams-who was excellent when healthy with the Dolphins over the past 2 seasons, but is coming off a torn ACL that kept him on the free agent market until early August, left guard Laken Tomlinson-who was god awful over the past 2 seasons with the Jets, right guard Anthony Bradford-who struggled immensely in 10 starts for them last season as an injury replacement for Phil Haynes and right tackle George Fant-who is back for his 2nd stint in Seattle and hopefully still has some gas left in the tank after putting together a decent season in Houston last year. To be completely honest, this is a group that could really go any which way. The strange combination of unreliable young players and injury-prone/aging vets creates something that's undeniably combustible yet promising enough to believe they're capable of come together if they're granted the luxury of continuity and good coaching. For the sake of Grubb's pro coaching ambitions, Smith and Kenneth Walker III-whose YPC went down a full half yard in 2023 on account of the o-line play, this group needs to cross their fingers that they can stay healthy and deify the awful recent history of Seahawks line play. 

Bottom Line:

I'll be honest with you gang, there isn't a team I'm more unsure of going into this season than the Seahawks. Macdonald and his staff are total enigmas, their roster is a really weird mix of players at vastly different stages of their careers and nobody knows what Geno Smith cand do in a new system. Anything short of them completely bottoming out wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.           

Predicted Standings:

1.Los Angeles Rams (12-5)

2.San Francisco 49ers (11-6)

3.Seattle Seahawks (8-9)

4.Arizona Cardinals (6-11)

2024 NFL Power Rankings: Week 1

1.Kansas City Chiefs Week 1 opponent: Baltimore Ravens

2.San Francisco 49ers Week 1 opponent: New York Jets

3.Baltimore Ravens Week 1 opponent: Kansas City Chiefs

4.Detroit Lions Week 1 opponent: Los Angeles Rams

5.Philadelphia Eagles Week 1 opponent: Green Bay Packers

6.Houston Texans Week 1 opponent: Indianapolis Colts

7.Buffalo Bills Week 1 opponent: Arizona Cardinals

8.Los Angeles Rams Week 1 opponent: Detroit Lions

9.Miami Dolphins Week 1 opponent: Jacksonville Jaguars 

10.Green Bay Packers Week 1 opponent: Philadelphia Eagles

11.Dallas Cowboys Week 1 opponent: Cleveland Browns

12.Tampa Bay Buccaneers Week 1 opponent: Washington Commanders 

13.Pittsburgh Steelers Week 1 opponent: Atlanta Falcons

14.Cleveland Browns Week 1 opponent: Dallas Cowboys

15.Atlanta Falcons Week 1 opponent: Pittsburgh Steelers

16.Jacksonville Jaguars Week 1 opponent: Miami Dolphins

17.Cincinnati Bengals Week 1 opponent: New England Patriots

18.Seattle Seahawks Week 1 opponent: Denver Broncos

19.Indianapolis Colts Week 1 opponent: Houston Texans

20.New York Jets Week 1 opponent: San Francisco 49ers

21.Chicago Bears Week 1 opponent: Tennessee Titans 

22.Minnesota Vikings Week 1 opponent: New York Giants

23.New Orleans Saints Week 1 opponent: Carolina Panthers

24.Los Angeles Chargers Week 1 opponent: Las Vegas Raiders

25.Las Vegas Raiders Week 1 opponent: Los Angeles Chargers

26.Denver Broncos Week 1 opponent: Seattle Seahawks

27.Tennessee Titans Week 1 opponent: Chicago Bears

28.New York Giants Week 1 opponent: Minnesota Vikings

29.Arizona Cardinals Week 1 opponent: Buffalo Bills

30.Washington Commanders Week 1 opponent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

31.New England Patriots Week 1 opponent: Cincinnati Bengals

32.Carolina Panthers Week 1 opponent: New Orleans Saints

Tuesday, September 3, 2024

10 Most Anticipated Films of Fall 2024

Here we are, starting down the barrel of the final 4 months of the year all of a sudden. It feels like it was only a couple of months ago that The Beekeeper was bewitching audiences with its pure January B-action movie magic and now, we are in the midst of fall festival season with Telluride concluding over the weekend, Venice ongoing and Toronto starting on Thursday. Time really does fly when you let the power of the moooovies wash over you. 

This hot-and-cold 2024 movie slate appears set to follow this frustratingly erratic pattern right to the bitter end as the next 4 months yoyos between these two opposing sides no matter where your cinematic interests lie. For me, much of the excitement falls between the middle of October and Thanskgiving. This 5-week stretch is effectively a sampling of most of my favorite areas of the film industry. There's awards hopefuls galore (Conclave, Saturday Night, Anora), sequels to very entertaining films (Gladiator II, Smile 2, Venom: The Last Dance), offbeat genre entries (The Shadow StraysHeretic, Your Monster) and some titles from last fall/winter's festival slates (A Real Pain, My Old Ass, Woman of the Hour) that are finally making their way to a wide audience. 

Outside of this sweet spot, there are still a fair number of standouts. After several setbacks, Robert Eggers is finally getting a chance to put his own spin on a horror classic (Nosferatu). Absurdist comedy legend Kyle Mooney is stepping behind the camera for the first time for a project that looks absolutely nuts in the best possible way (Y2K). One of the most talked about titles from this year's Cannes (The Substance) is only 2 weeks away from being unleashed on the world. The first animated film from a classic cartoon franchise in nearly 40 years has earned early raves and might even get nominated for an Oscar (Transformers One). Russell Crowe will be dropping the latest addition to his over-the-top cartoony accent collection in Sony's 1st R-rated superhero flick (Kraven the Hunter). 

Regardless of when they release, let's hope we're in store for some big hits and pleasant surprises during this period so this weird yet exciting year for film can end on a high note. Here are the 10 movies set to release from September-December that I'm most excited to see.       

10.His Three Daughters (September 6 theaters/September 20 streaming):

Elizabeth Olsen has finally been liberated from her MCU prison and she's bringing the great Natasha Lyonne and Carrie Coon along for her return to proper film acting. In all seriousness, His Three Daughters was one of the biggest darlings of last year's Toronto Film Festival and these three women are well-equipped to carry a chamber piece like this to greatness.    

9.Heretic (November 15):

Next stop on Hugh Grant's (mostly awesome) post-British romcom heartthrob tour: Playing a psychopath who locks two Mormon missionaries (Sophie Thatcher, Chloe East) who showed up on his doorstep inside his home and will only allow them to leave if they can complete a massive maze in his basement that's designed to test the strength of their faith! While I remain dubious about Scott Beck and Bryan Woods' directorial instincts after the bizarrely low energy 65, the decision from A24 to debut Heretic at Toronto 2+ months before its wide release is an encouraging sign that the duo got this one right.       

8.A Real Pain (November 1):

Searchlight made Jesse Eisenberg's sophomore feature the first big acquisition of this year's Sundance after the dramedy about two American cousins (Eisenberg. Kieran Culkin) who embark on a tour through Poland to honor their late grandmother brought down the house at its premiere. Disney's specialty label tends to have great judgement when it comes to the titles they pick up from festivals and the pairing of Eisenberg and Culkin is an all but guaranteed home run, so I'm really excited to finally see this.      

7.Babygirl (December 25):

Erotic thrillers are back! Halina Reijn's third feature sent Venice into a frenzy at its premiere last Friday with its sex scenes, plot twists and daring performances from leads Nicole Kidman and Harris Dickinson. This genre absolutely rips when it's at its trashy, self-aware best and after Bodies Bodies Bodies, I have total faith in Reijn's ability to deliver the goods.       

6.The Substance (September 20):

Buzz surrounding French filmmaker Coralie Fargeat's English-language debut has been electric since it debuted at Cannes in May, where Fargeat won Best Screenplay and star Demi Moore generated early Oscar buzz for her performance as a celebrity fitness instructor recently fired from her job over her age who begins to experiment with the titular drug that allows the person who uses it to become a younger version of themselves (Margaret Qualley plays Moore's younger self) for a week at a time. Given how gruesome her previous film Revenge was at times, this could be a really hardcore body horror movie that pushes the limits of the R-rating and honors the gruesome, darkly comedic spirit of this underserved subgenre.  

5.Saturday Night (October 11):

The early days of Saturday Night Live where the show was trying to find its identity as a weekly live sketch comedy show are fascinating to me and dramatizing the chaotic 90 minutes before the premiere episode on October 11, 1975, in real time is an inspired way to explore them in the cinematic form. Early word from Telluride is that Saturday Night is a triumph with its tense yet hilarious atmosphere, use of long takes/16mm film and the performances of Gabriel LaBelle (Lorne Michaels), Cory Michael Smith (Chevy Chase), Rachel Sennott (Rosie Shuster), Lamorne Morris (Garrett Morris) and Dylan O'Brien (Dan Akroyd) being singled out for praise.      

4.Smile 2 (October 18):

Smile felt like the announcement of a major new talent in Parker Finn. The film did a remarkable job of using every tool at its disposal (jump scares, steady building of a dread-filled atmosphere, visceral sound design, gnarly imagery, deployment of unusual camera angles/movement, a wide array of different zoom speeds) to create something was unnerving as both a supernatural horror flick and metaphor for real world mental illness and the stigmas that surround them. Seeing him return to this world armed with a bigger budget and brilliant sequel hook (Naomi Scott plays a pop star who becomes the latest person to be haunted by the smiling demon) feels like the perfect opportunity for him to further elevate his stock in the industry.       

3.Gladiator II (November 22)

As questionable as a Gladiator sequel sounds on paper, Denzel Washington doing movie star shit as a power broker plotting to take control of Rome, maritime battles in the flooded Coliseum and a giant CGI rhino charging at a team of gladiators is way too fucking cool for me to not get excited about. Please don't screw this one up Ridley.  

2.Anora (October 18):

Leave it to an outside-the-box directorial voice like Sean Baker to finally hand Mikey Madison the opportunity to lead a movie that has bafflingly alluded her following her scene-stealing supporting turns in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood... and Scream '22. Madison plays a struggling New York City stripper who enters a whirlwind relationship with the son of a Russian oligarch (Mark Eidelstein) that escalates considerably when they decide to get married in Las Vegas after only a few weeks of dating, which attracts the attention of his powerful parents who will stop at nothing to get their son to come back to Russia as an unmarried man. Both Baker and Madison have already earned widespread raves for Anora, which became the first American film to win the Palm d'or at Cannes since The Tree of Life in 2011, and Neon is already positioning it as their big Oscar play for this year with a string of festival screenings (Toronto, New York, Fantastic, this past weekend's Telluride) leading up to its October release. I can't wait to finally see what Baker, Madison and their cohorts cooked up with this chaotic love story.         

1.Nosferatu (December 25):

A Nosferatu remake and Robert Eggers feels like the perfect marriage. Eggers is the modern leader in period horror and descending into the dreary yet darkly beautiful realm of gothic horror presents him an incredible opportunity to add another notch to his increasingly dynamic filmmaking belt. On top of the Eggers factor, Jarin Blaschke's cinematography looks to be astonishingly good per usual, the casting of certified freak Bill Skarsgard as the titular vampire is 10/10 work and Willem Dafoe's delivery of "vampire" in the trailer alone is enough to convince me that the man is once again cooking with gas in the overacting department.                  

Also Looking Forward To:

The Front Room (September 6)

Rebel Ridge (September 6)

My Old Ass (September 13)

The Killer's Game (September 13)

Speak No Evil (September 13)

The 4:30 Movie (September 13)

Will & Harper (September 13 theaters/September 27 streaming)

A Different Man (September 20)

Never Let Go (September 20)

Transformers One (September 20)

Killer Heat (September 26)

Azarael (September 27)

Megalopolis (September 27) 

Rez Ball (September 27)

The Wild Robot (September 27)

It's What's Inside (October 4)

The Outrun (October 4)

Brothers (October 10 theaters/October 17 streaming)

Piece by Piece (October 11)

We Live in Time (October 11)

The Shadow Strays (October 17)

Exhibiting Forgiveness (October 18)

Flight Risk (October 18)

The Line (October 18)

Woman of the Hour (October 18)

Nickel Boys (October 25)

Venom: The Last Dance (October 25)

Your Monster (October 25)

Emilia Perez (TBD October theaters/November 13 streaming)

Conclave (November 1)

The Piano Lesson (November 8 theaters/November 22 streaming)

Nightbitch (December 6)

The Order (December 6)

Y2K (December 6)

Carry-On (December 13)

Kraven the Hunter (December 13)

On Becoming a Guinea Fowl (December 13)

The Room Next Door (December 20)

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (December 22)

A Complete Unknown (December 25)

The Fire Inside (December 25)

Salem's Lot (TBD October)

Maria (TBD)

Queer (TBD)

Monday, September 2, 2024

10 Most Anticipated Albums of Fall 2024

10.Fit for An Autopsy-The Nothing That Is (Release Date: October 25)

9.Undeath-More Insane (Release Date: October 4)

8.Kublai Khan TX-Exhibition of Prowess (Release Date: September 20)

7.The Smile-Cutouts (Release Date: October 4)

6.PeelingFlesh-The G Code (Release Date: September 6) 

5.ASAP Rocky-Don't Be Dumb (Release Date: TBD)

4.FKA twigs-Eusexua (Release Date: TBD)

3.Halsey-The Great Impersonator (Release Date: TBD)

2.Better Lovers-Highly Irresponsible (Release Date: October 25)

1.The Black Dahlia Murder-Servitude (Release Date: September 27)

Also Excited For:

Many Eyes-The Light Age (Release Date: September 6)

Ripped to Shreds-Sanshi (Release Date: September 27)

Tommy Richman-Coyote (Release Date: September 27)

Blood Incantation-Absolute Elsewhere (Release Date: October 4)

Fever 333-Darker White (Release Date: October 4)

Chat Pile-Cool World (Release Date: October 11) 

Touche Amore-Spiral in a Straight Line (Release Date: October 11)

Entheos-An End to Everything (Release Date: October 25)

Vola-Friend of a Phantom (Release Date: November 1)

Make Them Suffer-Make Them Suffer (Release Date: November 8)

State Champs-State Champs (Release Date: November 8)

Defeated Sanity-Chronicles of Lunacy (Release Date: November 22)

Offset-Kiari (Release Date: TBD)

Westside Gunn-FLYGOD Is An Awesome God III (Release Date: TBD)