Monday, May 22, 2023

Movie Review: Fast X


After over 20 years and a substantial genre shift from humble street racing movies to massive, globe-trotting action blockbusters, the Fast and Furious franchise is starting to wind down. Given all of the behind-the-scenes drama, the majority of the core cast being in their mid-to-late 40's or early 50's and the void caused by the tragic death of Paul Walker that the series still hasn't quite been able to overcome, the time for Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his increasingly large family to retire from driving, espionage and live-action Looney Tunes stunts has never felt more appropriate. The beginning of the endgame materializes in Fast X and the end of the road is looking like it's going to be filled with the biggest obstacles the Toretto crew has ever faced.

The playbook of Fast and Furious is so well-established at this point that every follower of the series know what they're getting into when they sit down to watch a new installment. The crew gets dragged into a mission where they have to stop psychopath from blowing up an entire continent, crippling the world's banking systems or some combination of the two, a small group of new cast members join the fold and everything gets resolved at the end of the movie without any real collateral damage. While calling Fast X subversive would be a bit of a reckless overstatement, the film does have a sense of real danger running through it that was previously foreign to the franchise. 

Causing this harrowing, legit threat to Toretto and co. is a man named Dante Reyes (Jason Momoa). Not only is Reyes highly motivated to inflict revenge on Toretto after he was responsible for killing his father Hernan (Joquaim de Almeida-who appears both via archival footage and a couple of new scenes they shot for this movie) in Fast Five, but he operates like the impervious supervillain answer to the entire main crew as he's an expert in hacking, weaponry, driving and anything else that would possibly be useful in this universe. After framing them for a terrorist attack in Rome, Reyes is able to fragment the family by forcing them to go on the lam either alone (Diesel), in a small group (Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson, Nathalie Emmanuel, Sung Kang) or as a duo (John Cena, Leo Abelo Perry) while also managing to get Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) arrested and hauled off to a black site jail. Having a presence that is powerful enough to separate the group and put them in real danger creates an Avengers: Infinity War-esque feeling of impending doom that gives the film a darker, high stakes vibe that makes Fast X a distinctly entertaining entry in the series.

The match that ignites this more danger-filled take on Fast and Furious is the unstoppable force that is Momoa in the role of Dante Reyes. While the general description of Dante as a character makes it seem like he's some kind of deeply imposing psychopath, Momoa finds a way to make him both a wildly entertaining and unpredictable villain. He plays Dante as this flamboyant, eccentric loose cannon who takes perverse glee in toying with and inflicting a tremendous amount of pain on his enemies. Every moment he's on screen is a highlight of the film and it's awesome to see Momoa effectively weaponize his signature charisma to play the ultimate colorful yet playfully sadistic bad guy. Reyes is the perfect antagonist for this proudly over-the-top franchise and it's a massive blessing that he gets the opportunity as serve as this final boss-type figure for Torretto and co.      

Much like F9, there a few roadblocks that prevent Fast X from hitting the heights of the franchise's best entries. The setpieces, while still consistently solid, lack the gloriously cartoonish flare that has made the action of the other recent entries so great, the whole deciding to keep Walker's Brian O'Connor alive decision is becoming more and more of a burden on the storytelling (Brian and Jordana Brewster's Mia Toretto are conveniently not targeted by Dante-which even by the franchise's deeply unserious standards- makes zero sense considering what else occurs over the course of this film) and the big emotional moments in the final scenes don't carry any real weight because we all know that through the magic of the Fast and Furious retconning they can be reversed with ease at any moment. But when you consider the bigger, more urgent narrative stakes at play and the fact that Louis Leterrier (Now You See Me, The Incredible Hulk) had to effectively re-work the movie on the fly after Justin Lin quit a week into shooting, it's impressive that Fast X didn't turn into a complete mess. With Leterrier set to return for the (hopefully) final installment without the added stress of rearranging the DNA of a movie on short notice and an intriguing stage being set in the final moments for the next film, I'm optimistic about the odds of the Fast and Furious franchise ending on a high note.      

Grade: B+

Friday, May 19, 2023

Michelle Rodriguez Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted released superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Michelle Rodriguez-whose latest project "Fast X" is in theaters now.  

Michelle Rodriguez's Filmography Ranked:

18.Avatar (D)

17.Blue Crush (C)

16.Machete Kills (B-)

15.Resident Evil (B-)

14.Resident Evil: Retribution (B-)

13.Alita: Battle Angel (B-)

12.S.W.A.T. (B-)

11.The Fast and the Furious (B-)

10.Battle: Los Angeles (B-)

9.Fast & Furious (B)

8.Girlfight (B)

7.Widows (B)

6.F9 (B+)

5.Fast and Furious 6 (B+)

4.Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (B+)

3.Machete (A-)

2.The Fate of the Furious (A)

1.Furious 7 (A)

Top Dog: Furious 7 (2015)

James Wan got thrown into the fire on his first blockbuster and ended up putting forth one of his most impressive directorial efforts to date. Through the purity of the sentiments that were being conveyed on screen and some pure movie magic, Wan was able to make a film that served as both an emotional, heartfelt tribute to the late Paul Walker and a rollicking, outlandish over-the-top action spectacle. 

Bottom Feeder: Avatar (2009)

Fun fact: I had forgotten that Rodriguez was in Avatar until I was sitting in a theater last Labor Day weekend seeing Top Gun: Maverick for the second time and the trailer for the re-release played. Guess my efforts to purge as much of this wretched film from my memory as possible were successful!!!

Most Underrated: The Fate of the Furious (2017)

What a fucking gem this movie is. The setpieces are wildly inventive and fun as hell (particularly the prison fight, "flying" cars scene and baby rescue sequence), Charlize Theron's Cipher is an incredible, scenery-chewing villain and the relentless ball-busting Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham engage in results in some of the funniest one-liners of the entire series. 

Most Overrated: Avatar (2009)

Here we go again.... As ambitious and talented of a filmmakers as James Cameron is, I strongly believe that Avatar brings nothing to the table outside of its astonishing visual effects, cinematography and sound design. The dialogue and acting are stunningly rough for a mainstream Hollywood movie and the story is an insufferably cheesy bore that isn't nearly compelling or deep enough to warrant taking nearly 3 hours to tell. 

Genuinely One of the Most Unforgettable Movies I've Ever Seen: Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

Is Battle: Los Angeles a "good" movie. Outside of the visceral action sequences and cool alien design, not particularly. However, it's a movie that is so unintentionally funny that my friends and I have been quoting and discussing it regularly for the past 12 years and that's enough for me to speak of it fondly whenever the opportunity arises.   

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Movie Review: Hypnotic

 

Ever heard of Solstice Studios? Unless you're completely plugged-in into the business side of Hollywood, the answer is almost certainly no. Anyways, Solstice was a film studio that was trying to do something exceptionally difficult: become a functional mid-sized distributor in modern day Hollywood. This is a space that is now solely occupied by Lionsgate after MGM got officially bought out by Amazon and STX-who had been in financial ruin for several years-pivoted to becoming a production company after being taken over by a new group of investors last summer. Basically, the brutal combination of trying to launch a company during the COVID lockdown and a couple of really questionable business decisions (going all-in on making the Russell Crowe road rage thriller Unhinged the 1st new movie released when movie theaters re-opened in most of the US in late August 2020, spending $10+ mil on acquiring the Mark Wahlberg vehicle Joe Bell after it debuted at the 2020 Toronto Film Festival) kneecapped them before they had to a chance to even get both feet on the ground. 

Aside from Unhinged, Solstice produced just one other film before they folded and that was Hypnotic. Some might argue that their $65-75 million investment in this sci-fi mystery thriller from Robert Rodriguez was their most crucial misstep as a company as they didn't clearly didn't have the capital to be producing movies that carried that high of a price tag. What saved Hypnotic from ending up in limbo for an especially long time (it was filmed in the fall of 2021) was the convenient fact that executive producer Gareth West has his own distribution label called Ketchup Entertainment that specializes in small indie/VOD releases that could step up and put the movie in theaters. All things considered, Hypnotic dying alongside its former distributor would've likely been a better outcome for the resumes of everyone involved with making it.

Hypnotic has been framed as a passion project for Rodriguez-which is really hard to believe unless that passion was for making a movie that runs almost exclusively on exposition and plot twists. This alleged labor of love tells the tale of Austin cop Danny Roarke (Ben Affleck in his stiffest and most unengaged performances in ages) who is reeling after the recent kidnapping of his daughter (Hala Finley). Shortly after returning to the line of duty, he's summoned to a bank robbery where he encounters a strange man (William Fitchner) that appears to have orchestrated the heist on a whim and finds a photo of his daughter with an indecipherable message written under it in a safe deposit box at the scene of the crime. Upon meeting with a psychic (Alice Braga) who called in the robbery before it happened, Roarke learns that the man he saw at the bank is actually part of a group of a powerful hypnotists called "Hypnotics" who are capable of manipulating people into seeing and doing anything that that they want them to and his daughter might be the key to a vast conspiracy the Hypnotics are trying to pull off. With an army of Hypnotics on his trail, Roarke must get to the bottom of things before its too late for both him and his daughter. 

I've been a big fan of Rodriguez's for a long time and this is the first time I've ever seen a movie of his where it felt like he was completely lost. While the Spy Kids movies aren't exactly terrific pieces of cinema, they are at least clear representations of the vision that he had for them. Here, he appears to be aiming to make something like Inception and yet sidelines all of the stylish visuals (Hypnotic looks flat and cheap throughout), slick action sequences and inspiring DIY passion he's known for that could've allowed him to do so in favor of standing by idly while all the aforementioned exposition and plot twists attempt to make all of the nonsense this story throws out there seem coherent and clever. Newsflash: this strategy doesn't work as Hypnotic comes across as nothing but idiotic and bland every step of the way. How a seasoned filmmaker thought he could cover up a movie that lacks any sort of personality or commitment to selling its intriguing sci-fi mystery hook by having its characters relentlessly explain the mythology of the Hypnotics and delivering a barrage of "shocking" plot twists in the final act is a bigger, bleaker mindfuck than anything that actually happens in Hypnotic.     

If Hypnotic wasn't so deeply silly, fast-moving and mercifully short (it clocks in at 93 minutes with credits), there's a good chance it would've morphed into a massive trainwreck instead of the relatively small one it ends up being. Rodriguez is too creative and singular of a cinematic voice to be churning out uninspired shit like Hypnotic and hopefully his next passion project will be a better representation of the lively filmmaker he truly is.  

Grade: C-

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

2023 NFL Position Rankings: Top 50 Wide Receivers

()=2022 ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2022

50.(29) Robert Woods (Texans)

49.(+) Curtis Samuel (Commanders)

48.(+) Darius Slayton (Giants)

47.(+) George Pickens (Steelers)

46.(+) Zay Jones (Jaguars)

45.(18) Allen Robinson (Steelers)

44.(30) Darnell Mooney (Bears)

43.(19) Adam Thielen (Panthers)

42.(+) Allen Lazard (Jets)

41.(+) Drake London (Falcons)

40.(37) Tyler Boyd (Bengals)

39.(33) Marquise Brown (Cardinals)

38.(24) Michael Thomas (Saints)

37.(27) Hunter Renfrow (Raiders)

36.(28) Courtland Sutton (Broncos)

35.(25) Dionate Johnson (Steelers)

34.(50) Gabe Davis (Bills)

33.(+) Chris Olave (Saints)

32.(39) Jakobi Meyers (Raiders)

31.(32) Odell Beckham Jr. (Ravens)

30.(+) Jerry Jeudy (Broncos)

29.(47) JuJu Smith-Schuster (Patriots)

28.(21) Brandin Cooks (Cowboys)

27.(+) Garrett Wilson (Jets)

26.(34) Brandon Aiyuk (49ers)

25.(26) Michael Pittman Jr. (Colts)

24.(38) Christian Kirk (Jaguars)

23.(+) DeVonta Smith (Eagles)

22.(15) D.J. Moore (Bears)

21.(22) Amari Cooper (Browns)

20.(14) Mike Evans (Buccaneers)

19.(17) Mike Williams (Chargers)

18.(12) Tyler Lockett (Seahawks)

17.(23) Tee Higgins (Bengals)

16.(43) Amon-Ra St.Brown (Lions)

15.(11) Deebo Samuel (49ers)

14.(13) D.K. Metcalf (Seahawks)

13.(10) Keenan Allen (Chargers)

12.(9) Chris Godwin (Buccaneers)

11.(16) Terry McLaurin (Commanders)

10.(31) Jaylen Waddle (Dolphins)

9.(20) CeeDee Lamb (Cowboys)

8.(6) DeAndre Hopkins (Cardinals)

7.(8) Ja'Marr Chase (Bengals)

6.(7) A.J. Brown (Eagles)

5.(4) Stefon Diggs (Bills)

4.(3) Cooper Kupp (Rams)

3.(2) Tyreek Hill (Dolphins)

2.(1) Davante Adams (Raiders)

1.(5) Justin Jefferson (Vikings)

Monday, May 15, 2023

2023 NFL Position Rankings: Top 50 Running Backs

()=2022 ranking

(+)= Unranked or ineligible in 2022

50.(+) Chuba Hubbard (Panthers)

49.(+) James Cook (Bills)

48.(21) Cordarrelle Patterson (Falcons)

47.(17) Leonard Forunette (Free Agent)

46.(+) Rachaad White (Buccaneers)

45.(20) Antonio Gibson (Commanders)

44.(18) Kareem Hunt (Free Agent)

43.(46) Alexander Mattison (Vikings)

42.(23) Javonte Williams (Broncos)

41.(26) Elijah Mitchell (49ers)

40.(+) Latavius Murray (Bills)

39.(36) Devin Singletary (Texans)

38.(38) Rashaad Penny (Eagles)

37.(39) J.K. Dobbins (Ravens)

36.(+) Jerick McKinnon (Chiefs)

35.(+) Jeff Wilson Jr. (Dolphins)

34.(31) D'Andre Swift (Eagles)

33.(+) Brian Robinson Jr. (Commanders)

32.(+) Breece Hall (Jets)

31.(45) Khalil Herbert (Bears)

30.(44) Gus Edwards (Ravens)

29.(11) David Montgomery (Lions)

28.(10) Damien Harris (Bills)

27.(+) D'Onta Foreman (Bears)

26.(+) Dameon Pierce (Texans)

25.(28) Cam Akers (Rams)

24.(+) Raheem Mostert (Dolphins)

23.(19) James Conner (Cardinals)

22.(+) Isiah Pacheco (Chiefs)

21.(+) Tyler Allgeier (Falcons)

20.(14) Najee Harris (Steelers)

19.(35) Jammal Williams (Saints)

18.(29) A.J. Dillon (Packers)

17.(+) Travis Etienne (Jaguars)

16.(+) Kenneth Walker III (Seahawks)

15.(5) Joe Mixon (Bengals)

14.(6) Alvin Kamara (Saints)

13.(12) Ezekiel Elliott (Free Agent)

12.(34) Rhamondre Stevenson (Patriots)

11.(25) Miles Sanders (Panthers)

10.(7) Aaron Jones (Packers)

9.(2) Dalvin Cook (Vikings)

8.(24) Tony Pollard (Cowboys)

7.(22) Saquon Barkley (Giants)

6.(16) Josh Jacobs (Raiders)

5.(8) Austin Ekeler (Chargers)

4.(3) Jonathan Taylor (Colts)

3.(4) Nick Chubb (Browns)

2.(1) Derrick Henry (Titans)

1.(9) Christian McCaffery (49ers)

Thursday, May 11, 2023

Jennifer Lopez Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Jennifer Lopez-whose latest project "The Mother" releases on Netflix tomorrow.  

Jennifer Lopez's Filmography Ranked:

17.Antz (D)

16.What to Expect When You're Expecting (D+)

15.Enough (D+)

14.The Boy Next Door (D+)

13.Second Act (C-)

12.Selena (C-)

11.Anaconda (C-)

10.The Wedding Planner (C)

9.Maid in Manhattan (C)

8.Home (C+)

7.Money Train (C+)

6.Shotgun Wedding (C+)

5.Marry Me (B-)

4.The Cell (B-)

3.Parker (B)

2.Hustlers (B)

1.Out of Sight (A-)

Top Dog: Out of Sight (1998)

Waiting until the spring of 2020 to check out Out of Sight was an egregious oversight on my part. This romantic heist thriller led by George Clooney and Lopez and backed-up by an incredible supporting coast full of familiar faces (Ving Rhames, Don Cheadle, Steve Zahn, Albert Brooks, Dennis Farnia, Luis Guzman, Viola Davis, Catherine Keener, Nancy Allen, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson) is a slick, hilarious and invigorating blast that is easily one of my favorites from Steven Soderbergh.   

Bottom Feeder: Antz (1998)

Antz is being handed this distinction for one simple reason: I hated it as a kid. As silly as that sounds, not liking a kid's movie when you're a kid yourself is one of the strongest condemnations of a piece of art possible.  

Most Underrated: Out of Sight (1998)

Soderbergh has made a ton of great movies in his 35-year career, but Out of Sight might be the most overlooked. In terms of style, entertainment value and acting firepower, it's right up there with his crowning achievement Ocean's 11 and the writing from Scott Frank and romantic spark between Clooney and Lopez is also quite strong.

Most Overrated: Selena (1997)

Even as someone who knew nothing about Selena Quintanilla Perez's life going in, I became aware that Selena was a by-the-numbers biopic within the first half hour. Despite Lopez's best efforts to inject some spirit into the proceedings with her performance as the iconic Mexican-American singer, it reduces Quintanilla Perez's life to a collection of flat melodramatic scenes with no real emotion or drama and tells you next to nothing about the person or artist she was. Also, rushing to make a biopic so quickly after her death (Quintanilla Perez was murdered on March 31st, 1995, Selena began production in September 1996 and was released in March 1997) is some really disrespectful, opportunistic behavior from Warner Brothers and everybody involved with making the film.

Movie That I Really Need/Want to Re-Watch, but Didn't Get the Chance to Before This Piece: Anaconda (1997)

Anaconda is a weird horror/creature feature that alternates between being legitimately bad and entertainingly bad. Naturally, that makes it the type of movie I'd like to see again. Some late 90's that fell under a similar category (Wild Wild West, Volcano) became more enjoyable to me on rewatch and I really need confirmation that I didn't hallucinate whatever the hell Jon Voight was doing in this movie.   

Wednesday, May 10, 2023

2023 NFL Position Rankings: Top 25 Quarterbacks

An annual tradition that started due to boredom and the inconsistent volume of movies/albums to write about in May and June is back for another year. Over the next couple months, I'll be ranking the best players at every NFL position that isn't long snapper, gunner, or kick/punt returner. Here's the criteria for the series:

1.Rookies are excluded from inclusion

2.Players are judged on where they currently stand in my opinion, not the player they once were or potentially could be.

3.Each player is listed as a member of the team that they're currently rostered by. If they're not under contract with a team for 2023 at the time of posting, they'll be listed as a free agent

Kicking off the 2023 edition of my NFL Position Ranking Series is quarterbacks-which is a list that has gotten considerably more interesting to assemble in recent years now that Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady have all retired. Hope you enjoy and be sure to check back often for new entries.  

Note: Since he's projected to be out for the entire 2023 season, Brock Purdy has been excluded from the rankings.

()=2022 ranking

+=Unranked or ineligible in 2022   

25.(19) Mac Jones (Patriots)

24.(+) Justin Fields (Bears)

23.(+) Baker Mayfield (Buccaneers) 

22.(15) Ryan Tannehill (Titans)

21.(+) Jacoby Brissett (Commanders)

20.(+) Deshaun Watson (Browns)

19.(23) Tua Tagovailoa (Dolphins)

18.(6) Russell Wilson (Broncos)

17.(16) Jimmy Garoppolo (Raiders)

16.(+) Daniel Jones (Giants)

15.(14) Kyler Murray (Cardinals)

14.(12) Derek Carr (Saints)

13.(20) Jared Goff (Lions)

12.(+) Trevor Lawrence (Jaguars)

11.(+) Geno Smith (Seahawks)

10.(5) Matthew Stafford (Rams)

9.(9) Dak Prescott (Cowboys)

8.(11) Kirk Cousins (Vikings)

7.(1) Aaron Rodgers (Jets)

6.(8) Justin Herbert (Chargers)

5.(10) Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

4.(18) Jalen Hurts (Eagles)

3.(4) Josh Allen (Bills)

2.(7) Joe Burrow (Bengals)

1.(2) Patrick Mahomes (Chiefs)