Movie Review: Road House (2024)

 

Remaking Road House is a uniquely difficult undertaking. The 1989 meathead action cult classic has such a specific flavor of period-era camp coursing through its veins that the vast majority of the attempts to recapture it would come off as either insincere or obnoxiously ironic. It's the kind of fine-tuned, turn-your-brain off movie that can only be made by people who have a deep understanding of the fine art of unapologetic idiocy. After many false starts over many years, a Road House remake finally materialized with Doug Liman behind the camera and Jake Gyllenhaal playing the role of famed drifter/bouncer/lethal ass-kicker Dalton that was made famous by the late Patrick Swayze. So, did they crack the code of Road House or fail spectacularly trying? Quite frankly, neither.

Road House' 24 is often fun on its own terms. Gyllenhaal is a hoot as a soft-spoken, affable guy who is capable of laying down ruthless beatdowns when called upon, Liman's direction is sufficiently energetic, and the plethora of fight scenes have visceral choreography and pretty solid editing. But as a reimaging of Road House, it's only somewhat successful because it doesn't commit hard enough to modernizing the original film's signature aesthetic. The pendulum between perfect homages (the villainous turns by Billy Magnussen as the slimeball crime boss looking to intimidate the owner of the titular bar-played by Jessica Williams-into selling him the property and Conor McGregor as the cocky, swaggering psycho that is hired to kill Dalton once several local goons fail to, its usage of hilarious corny one-liners, the first fight scene with McGregor's character where the band keeps playing while a full-blown brawl breaks out at the bar) and baffling betrayals (the use of CGI to speed up nearly every fight scene, extended periods where the material is either too serious or intentionally comedic, an appalling lack of t***** r***) swings back and forth so frequently it just about swings off its pivot. 

What makes this whole constantly shifting up-and-down quality of the reboot particularly frustrating is that it regularly displays a firm understanding of what made the original so special while simultaneously establishing its own goofy voice. That's the exact kind of energy that this entire movie needed to truly thrive, but for whatever reason, Liman was eager to keep trying other things out. Save that for a more ambitious affair Mr. Liman, this is a fucking Road House remake! You were somehow able to find the right tone for one of the most singular pieces of cinema ever willed into existence then decided to regularly stray away from it just for shits? That's a pretty brutal fumble out of the back of the endzone and while his team was still able to squeak out a win, I won't forget just how damn close they were to turning Road House into a statement victory.                       

Grade: B

Movie Review: Immaculate

During an early scene of Immaculate, American nun Sister Cecilia (Sydney Sweeney)-who has recently transferred to a convent in the Italian countryside after her church in Michigan shut down-confides in a priest (Alvaro Morte) that she's still searching for the reason why God chose to save her after she nearly drowned after falling into a frozen lake as a child. Like its protagonist, Immaculate is unsure of its identity and purpose in the world of cinema. From the jump, director Michael Mohan attempts to make Immaculate something that dips its toes in the waters of mainstream supernatural, arthouse and gonzo camp horror at the same time. Not only does this vast genre stew led to some really bizarre, sudden tonal shifts, Mohan's direction is neither atmospheric nor forceful enough for the jump scares to provide impactful jolts and the script from Andrew Lobel doesn't have nearly enough weight behind it to offer up anything more than a surface-level exploration of its primary themes about the patriarchal structure of the Catholic Church and a woman's bodily autonomy.

What makes Immaculate's scattershot execution of an ambitious genre blueprint somewhat palatable is Sweeney's ferocious lead performance and a final act that goes exceptionally hard. Once the truth about how Cecilia ended up at this specific convent is revealed, Sweeney gets the chance to just go completely feral as the films turns into a full throttle exercise in exploitation. In a really fucked up way, Cecilia ends up finding herself as uniquely dangerous circumstances force her to urgently reckon with all of the fear, doubt and uncertainty she's been wrestling with since nearly died that day on the lake. It's a treat to watch Sweeney tackle the disturbing parade of macabre funhouse shit that happens to her character as the film reaches its biblically horrific conclusion with an incredible blend of intensity and eagerness to play in a wild B-horror sandbox. Her continued dedication to expanding her range as a performer is as strong as any young star working today and now that Season 3 of Euphoria is getting further delayed, Immaculate just might be all the convincing some other producer needs to cast her in another horror role ASAP.                  

Grade: B-

2024 NFL Mock Draft (3/25)

1.Chicago Bears: Caleb Williams, quarterback (USC)

2.Washington Commanders: Jayden Daniels, quarterback (LSU)

3.New England Patriots: Drake Maye, quarterback (North Carolina)

4.Arizona Cardinals: Marvin Harrison Jr., wide receiver (Ohio State)

5.Los Angeles Chargers: Malik Nabers, wide receiver (LSU)

6.New York Giants: Rome Odunze, wide receiver (Washington)

7.Tennessee Titans: Joe Alt, tackle (Notre Dame)

8.Atlanta Falcons: Dallas Turner, edge rusher (Alabama) 

9.Chicago Bears: Jared Verse, edge rusher (Florida State)

10.New York Jets: Tailese Fuaga, tackle/guard (Oregon State)

11.Minnesota Vikings: J.J. McCarthy, quarterback (Michigan) 

12.Denver Broncos: Brock Bowers, tight end (Georgia) 

13.Las Vegas Raiders: JC Latham, tackle (Alabama) 

14.New Orleans Saints: Troy Fautanu, tackle/guard (Washington) 

15.Indianapolis Colts: Cooper DeJean, cornerback (Iowa) 

16.Seattle Seahawks: Byron Murphy II, defensive tackle (Texas) 

17.Jacksonville Jaguars: Olu Fashanu, tackle (Penn State) 

18.Cincinnati Bengals: Johnny Newton, defensive tackle (Illinois)

19.Los Angeles Rams: Laitu Latu, edge rusher (UCLA)  

20.Pittsburgh Steelers: Terrion Arnold, cornerback (Alabama) 

21.Miami Dolphins: Jackson Powers-Johnson, center (Oregon)

22.Philadelphia Eagles: Nate Wiggins, cornerback (Clemson) 

23.Minnesota Vikings: Quinyon Mitchell, cornerback (Toledo) 

24.Dallas Cowboys: Amarius Mims, tackle (Georgia)

25.Green Bay Packers: Tyler Nubin, safety (Minnesota) 

26.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Graham Barton, tackle/guard (Duke) 

27.Arizona Cardinals: Kool-Aid McKinstry, cornerback (Alabama) 

28.Buffalo Bills: Brian Thomas Jr., wide receiver (LSU) 

29.Detroit Lions: T.J. Tampa, cornerback (Iowa State) 

30.Baltimore Ravens: Troy Franklin, wide receiver (Oregon) 

31.San Francisco 49ers: Adonai Mitchell, wide receiver (Texas)  

32.Kansas City Chiefs: Kamari Lassiter, cornerback (Georgia) 

Karen Gillan Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Karen Gillan-whose latest project "Sleeping Dogs" releases in theaters tonight.

Karen Gillan's Filmography Ranked:

17.Oculus (D+)

16.The Bubble (C)

15.Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 (C+)

14.The Party's Just Beginning (B-)

13.In a Valley of Violence (B)

12.Stuber (B)

11.Spies in Disguise (B)

10.Thor: Love and Thunder (B)

9.Dual (B)

8.Gunpowder Milkshake (B)

7.The Big Short (B+)

6.Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (B+)

5.Avengers: Endgame (A-)

4.Jumanji: The Next Level (A-)

3.Guardians of the Galaxy (A)

2.Avengers: Infinity War (A)

1.Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 (A)

Top Dog: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 (2023)

After all of the bullshit James Gunn had to deal with on the road to getting Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 made, he responded to that unique string of adversity by making the perfect finale to the GOTG trilogy. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 is an emotional, heartfelt ride that uses Rocket's previous untold past as the escaped creation of a maniacal scientist whose hellbent on building a perfect society (Chukwudi Iwuji) to explore how this misfit superhero team brought together by fate were able to overcome the trauma they each endured through the strength of the familial bond they formed. There's a lot of wildly entertaining, funny superhero stuff in here too, but the beauty and grace in which Gunn wrapped up the shared and individual narratives for the Guardians is what I'll always cherish most about this wonderful movie.         

Bottom Feeder: Oculus (2014)

The breakout film from indie horror darling-turned-streaming service horror limited series showrunner juggernaut Mike Flanagan is one that never clicked with me. Despite being kind of ahead of its time with its themes of familial grief and mental illness that have been at the center of so many films in the genre released over the past decade, Oculus' wonky pacing and silly supernatural elements prevent its messages from landing with any sort of real potency.     

Most Underrated: Jumanji: The Next Level (2019)

The Next Level is easily one of my favorite blockbusters of the past five years. They did an excellent job of keeping what worked about the original (heart, mining situational humor out of its body-swap gimmick that makes its primary cast playing against type, turning Jumanji into unpredictable open world adventure video game environment) while changing enough about the plot/character dynamics to keep things fresh, the new cast members (Danny DeVito, Danny Glover, Awkwafina) all excel in this wild world and Kevin Hart's Danny Glover impression had me laughing to the point of tears nearly every time he opened his mouth. 

Most Overrated: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 (2017)

This remains kind of unfair as I've yet to get around to the rewatch I've been promising to make since Vol.3 came out last May. With all that being said, my current take of Vol.2 being overrated remains intact for now. As of right now, it remains the only time I've seen Gunn struggle to find a balance with the tone of a movie and deliver dramatic elements that feel more corny than sincere-which makes the film frustratingly uneven despite all its strong elements (humor, action, Kurt Russell's performance as Star-Lord's father Ego).    

Movie Review: Love Lies Bleeding

With her debut Saint Maud-which got handed a muted domestic release from A24 on account of COVID-Rose Glass announced herself as a daring new voice in cinema. Her follow-up Loves Lies Bleeding proves that Saint Maud wasn't a fluke in that department. This 1989-set romantic thriller about a lesbian gym owner (Kristen Stewart-who brilliantly adds an uncomfortable mean streak to her signature jittery, charming disposition) in New Mexico whose romantic relationship with an aspiring professional bodybuilder (Katy O'Brian-in a fiery star-making turn) hits an unexpected speed bump when her new beau gets tangled up with her powerful gun-running crime family (Ed Harris, Dave Franco). Glass pulls zero punches as she explores just how far these characters will go for love, revenge and to assure to their own survival. While the hit rate of the plethora of wild creative swings and amount of time spent operating at the intense peak of its sleazy crime thriller aesthetic could be higher, the fearlessness of Glass' approach and the cast's commitment to delivering upon her twisted vision deserves to be applauded. Glass is a distinctly bold cinematic voice who appears to be destined for greatness and hopefully her backers in both the US and her native UK will grant her the opportunity to deliver upon her heaps of promise behind the camera for years to come.     

Grade: B

2024 NFL Mock Draft (3/18)

1.Chicago Bears: Caleb Williams, quarterback (USC)

2.Washington Commanders: Jayden Daniels, quarterback (LSU)

3.New England Patriots: Drake Maye, quarterback (North Carolina)

4.Arizona Cardinals: Marvin Harrison Jr., wide receiver (Ohio State)

5.Los Angeles Chargers: Malik Nabers, wide receiver (LSU) 

6.New York Giants: Rome Odunze, wide receiver (Washington)

7.Tennessee Titans: Joe Alt, tackle (Notre Dame)

8.Atlanta Falcons: Dallas Turner, edge rusher (Alabama) 

9.Chicago Bears: Jared Verse, edge rusher (Florida State)

10.New York Jets: Tailese Fuaga, tackle/guard (Oregon State) 

11.Minnesota Vikings: J.J. McCarthy, quarterback (Michigan) 

12.Denver Broncos: Brock Bowers, tight end (Georgia) 

13.Las Vegas Raiders: JC Latham, tackle (Alabama) 

14.New Orleans Saints: Troy Fautanu, tackle/guard (Washington) 

15.Indianapolis Colts: Cooper DeJean, cornerback (Iowa)

16.Seattle Seahawks: Byron Murphy II, defensive tackle (Texas) 

17.Jacksonville Jaguars: Olu Fashanu, tackle (Penn State)

18.Cincinnati Bengals: Jer'Zhan Newton, defensive tackle (Illinois) 

19.Los Angeles Rams: Laiatu Latu, edge rusher (UCLA) 

20.Pittsburgh Steelers: Nate Wiggins, cornerback (Clemson)

21.Miami Dolphins: Jackson Powers-Johnson, center (Oregon) 

22.Philadelphia Eagles: Quinyon Mitchell, cornerback (Toledo) 

23.Minnesota Vikings: Terrion Arnold, cornerback (Alabama)

24.Dallas Cowboys: Amarius Mims, tackle (Georgia)

25.Green Bay Packers: Tyler Nubin, safety (Minnesota)

26.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Graham Barton, tackle/guard (Duke)

27.Arizona Cardinals: Kool-Aid McKinstry, cornerback (Alabama)

28.Buffalo Bills: Brian Thomas Jr., wide receiver (LSU) 

29.Detroit Lions: Chris Braswell, edge rusher (Alabama) 

30.Baltimore Ravens: Troy Franklin, wide receiver (Oregon) 

31.San Francisco 49ers: Zach Frasier, center (West Virginia) 

32.Kansas City Chiefs: T.J. Tampa, cornerback (Iowa State) 

Album Review: Job for a Cowboy-Moon Healer

Stepping away from music for a decade was kind of a shocking move for Job for a Cowboy to make. The influential yet polarizing Arizona-bred outfit made a transition to a progressive tech death metal sound with their 2014 record Sun Eater that caught both fans and non-fans alike off-guard and it resulted in the most acclaimed release of their career. While electing to not immediately build off Sun Eater's momentum may've hurt their wallets, it didn't damage their art at all. Their long-awaited comeback release Moon Healer is another triumph that solidifies their standing as a really gifted "serious" extreme metal act that has officially closed the book on their deathcore past.

Moon Healer doesn't follow Sun Eater down the path of inspired musical reinvention, which inherently makes it slightly less exciting to listen to since it's unable to conjure up the euphoric feeling of pleasant surprise. Instead, it's more of a refinement of and expansion on Sun Eater's core sound that marries the ethereal and atmospheric with the visceral and brutal. Given its more methodical pacing and longer forays into audible bass driven spiraling voids of gloom, it effectively serves as the sadder, more misanthropic cousin to its predecessor. 

While fans of JFAC's more straightforward heavy stuff will likely be let down by its diminished presence here, the slower pacing allows the compositions more time to breathe and that really allows the brilliance of the songwriting to be on full display. The vivid textures they're able to create through their dynamic riffage and inventive rhythm section creates this gripping atmosphere that completely transports the listener into its complex world of diminishing sanity, psychedelic drug abuse and moral decay. Whether its creeping dread, explosive rage or a brief moment of solace, the feelings they're trying to express are carefully considered and delivered with urgency and impact throughout. This kind of dedication to creating richly detailed worlds in music that convey a range of emotions isn't all that common in the world of metal and it's even rarer that it's pulled off as beautifully as it is on Moon Healer.

Being able to knock the rust off after roughly 10 straight years of inactivity with such a strong, confident piece of work is pretty remarkable and speaks to the strength of the strong ensemble of like-minded talent vocalist/sole founding member Jonny Davy has assembled (guitarists Tony Sannicandro and Al Glassman, bassist Nick Schendzielos) after being plagued by constant member changes in the years immediately following Doom (they still haven't hired a drummer to replace Jon Rice-who exited in 2013, so Davy tapped his old friend/previous side project collaborator Navene Koperweis to sit behind the kit for the Moon Healer sessions). Whatever Job for a Cowboy does next or however long it takes for it to materialize will continue to be irrelevant as long as they continue to execute everything they do with the level of precision and passion that's found on both of their most recent releases.                               

Grade: B+

Favorite Tracks:

1.The Sun Gave Me Ashes So I Sought Out the Moon

2.The Agony Seeping Storm

3.Grinding Wheels of Ophanim