Week 2 NFL Picks

In my 6 years of running this site, I've never done an NFL game prediction column outside of the playoffs. That all changes today as I finally dip my toes into the terrifying, unpredictable waters of regular season NFL pick'em. I'm not sure if this going to transform into a weekly column at this point in time, but at the very least, you fine people can enjoy this set of picks and poorly-articulated explanations of why I made said picks.    

Pittsburgh Steelers over Cincinnati Bengals: While the Bengals were pretty impressive in their Week 1 victory over the Jets, I don't think they'll be able to play with enough tenacity or efficiency on either side of the ball to edge the Steelers in the first installment of these division rival's annual gridiron bloodbath.

New York Giants over New Orleans Saints: Last year's Giants/Saints game was a nearly unprecedented offensive spectacle as both starting quarterbacks (Drew Brees and Eli Manning) set new career-highs for TD passes in a single game (7 for Brees, 6 for Manning) and led their offenses to score a combined total of 101 points as the Saints pulled out a 52-49 victory. Video game numbers for this pair of potent offenses could very well be in the cards again, but the Giants improved defense should be enough to give them the edge in this evenly-matched contest.

Washington Redskins over Dallas Cowboys: The Redskins looked really bad in the season opener, but the Cowboys led by rookie quarterback Dak Prescott and running back Ezekiel Elliott don't present the same myriad of problems as the Steelers, who are arguably one of the best teams in the league right now, do. I expect Kirk Cousins and the defense to have nice bounceback games against this young, unproven Cowboys squad and subsequently kill some of the hysteria that's already building within their frenzied fanbase.

Houston Texans over Kansas City Chiefs: This matchup is basically a coin-flip on paper, but I'm going to go with the Texans based on their talent advantage on the offensive side of the ball and my belief that the football gods are going to smite the Chiefs after giving them every imaginable break in their absurd 33-27 comeback victory (they were losing 27-10 with 13:30 left in the 4th quarter) against the Chargers last week. 

New England Patriots over Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins aren't going to gloss over Jimmy Garoppolo like the Cardinals did a week ago and they have the type of talented front that could disrupt the Patriots banged-up offensive line. That being said, Bill Belichick's crazed ass desperately wants to avenge the ugly, homefield advantage-killing loss his team suffered at the hands of the Dolphins in Week 17 last season and that fact alone is enough to lead me to believe that the Patriots are going to roll to a blowout victory on Sunday afternoon. 

Carolina Panthers over San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers are walking into a death trap flying across the country on a short week to play a well-rested team that's hungry to prove themselves following a rough loss in Week 1. Anything less than a complete evisceration should be considered a huge victory for Chip Kelly's squad.

Detroit Lions over Tennessee Titans: The Lions aerial attack has been rolling since Jim Bob Cooter was installed as offensive coordinator at the midway point of last season and I believe that trend will continue against a Titans defense that had some trouble containing Shaun Hill last week. Given the inefficiency of the Titans offense last week, the Lions strong passing offense should be enough to propel the Motor City's beloved jungle cats to a surprising 2-0 start.

Baltimore Ravens over Cleveland Browns: Unlike a lot of hot take artists out there, I don't believe the Browns are going to go 0-16 this season. However, their first victory more than likely won't come against a tough divisional opponent full of battle-tested veterans in Week 2 while their young corps is still trying to get acclimated to the NFL.

Los Angeles Rams over Seattle Seahawks: In the Jeff Fisher-era, the Rams have developed a habit of suffering embarrassing losses to shit teams and picking up improbable victories against the great ones. I expect that trend to continue on Sunday when this head-scratching team takes on the Seahawks-who they've defeated in 3 of their last 4 meetings- in their first game played in the wonderful sports city of Los Angeles since 1994.

Arizona Cardinals over Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Buccaneers led by a 4-TD performance from quarterback Jameis Winston were very impressive against the Falcons last week, but going on the road to face a Cardinals team that's looking to reaffirm their status among the NFL's elite after a brutal loss against the Patriots seems like a too big of a task for this up-and-coming team to handle right now.

Denver Broncos over Indianapolis Colts: The Colts did pull off a nice upset victory against the Broncos in the middle of their tumultuous 2015 season. I don't expect another Cinderella story to be written on Sunday. Unlike their victory last year, the Colts will be on the road on Sunday and their much-maligned defense is less effective than ever without star corner Vontae Davis on the field, which puts the Broncos offensive heavy-hitters (wide receivers Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders, running back C.J. Anderson) in an excellent position to have huge performances and help secure a victory for the defending Champs.

Oakland Raiders over Atlanta Falcons: Despite some huge lapses on the defense, the Raiders pre-season hype was proven to be justified in their exhilarating 35-34 victory against the Saints last Sunday. Facing another defensively-challenged team in the Falcons in Week 2, the Raiders appear to be in a position to put together a similar display of offensive fireworks with a lower risk of surrendering an onslaught of points.

Jacksonville Jaguars over San Diego Chargers: The Jaguars high-powered offense squaring off against an incompetent Chargers defense that allowed Alex Smith to throw for 363 yards a week ago is the type of grand-scale mismatch that can lead to blowout victories in the NFL. The resiliency of Phillip Rivers will probably prevent a blowout from happening, but it would be a huge surprise if the Keenan Allen-less Chargers were able to outduel the Jags in an offensive showdown.

Green Bay Packers over Minnesota Vikings: The Packers are going to want to reclaim their title of being the most dominant team in the NFC North on the opening night of the Vikings new $1 billion stadium and with either Sam Bradford or Shaun Hill under center for the Purple and Gold, the Cheeseheads should be able to accomplish that goal without incident.
  
Philadelphia Eagles over Chicago Bears: Rookie quarterback Carson Wentz was very impressive in his NFL debut last week, but dismantling the Browns defense isn't the type of accomplishment that's indicative of legitimate success in the pro's. The true barometer of Wentz's skills isn't likely to be unlocked this week either because a.the Bears secondary without top corner Kyle Fuller is very bad and b.the Eagles loaded front 7 should be able to decimate the Bears weak offensive line and secure a victory for the Bird Gang by themselves.