Mark Wahlberg Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Mark Wahlberg-whose latest project "Father Stu" is in theaters now.

Mark Wahlberg's Filmography Ranked:

36.Max Payne (D)

35.Transformers: Age of Extinction (D+)

34.Broken City (D+)

33.Planet of the Apes (D+)

32.The Perfect Storm (C-)

31.Rock Star (C-)

30.Deepwater Horizon (C+)

29.Joe Bell (B-)

28.The Happening (B-)

27.Uncharted (B-)

26.Boogie Nights (B-)

25.Daddy's Home 2 (B)

24.Daddy's Home (B)

23.Date Night (B)

22.We Own the Night (B)

21.The Gambler (B)

20.Patriots Day (B)

19.Mile 22 (B)

18.All the Money in the World (B)

17.Shooter (B)

16.I Heart Huckabees (B)

15.Invincible (B)

14.Instant Family (B)

13.Four Brothers (B)

12.Ted 2 (B+)

11.Spenser Confidential (B+)

10.Lone Survivor (B+)

9.Contraband (B+)

8.2 Guns (B+)

7.Three Kings (B+)

6.The Italian Job (A)

5.Ted (A)

4.Pain & Gain (A)

3.The Other Guys (A)

2.The Fighter (A)

1.The Departed (A+)

Top Dog: The Departed (2006)

Wahlberg's acting chops constantly get dumped on and considering how stiff of a presence he can be on screen; those criticisms are really hard to argue against. One thing that nobody can take away from Wahlberg as an actor is the Oscar nomination he received for The Departed. Some would argue against the nomination on the basis of Wahlberg not having to dig too deep to play a stoic, foul-mouthed Boston cop, but I'd say that Wahlberg's firsthand knowledge of the city gave his performance an authenticity that helped the film stay at least reasonably grounded. The rest of the movie happens to be pretty good too. 

Lowlight: Max Payne (2008) 

The trailer editors that were able to make something that is so devoid of atmosphere and excitement look like an exceptionally badass noir action classic are fucking incredible at their jobs. Max Payne is a completely DOA revenge movie with a messy plot, poor performances by a collection of universally miscast actors (Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Ludacris, Chris O'Donell, Amaury Nolasco, Kate Burton, Donal Logue, Nelly Furtado) and really flat direction from the completely indistinct John Moore (A Good Day to Die Hard, The Omen).   

Most Underrated: Pain & Gain (2013)

Being exposed to the frantic brilliance of Ambulance this past weekend got me thinking about Michael Bay's filmography on the whole. As terrific as his best work in the action movie space (Bad Boys, The Rock, Ambulance) has been, Pain & Gain remains my favorite movie of his. Pairing Bay's chaotic energy with a bitingly hilarious script from Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely (The Chronicles of Narnia trilogy, about 15 MCU projects) and group of actors (Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Ed Harris, Tony Shalhoub, Rob Corddry, Rebel Wilson) who weren't afraid to really lean into the immense darkness present in this fact-based story makes Pain & Gain a really potent examination of what the American Dream looks like when some real piece of shit human beings are the ones chasing it.    

Most Overrated: Boogie Nights (1997)

I've got a downright colossal collection of unpopular opinions on movies, but the ones regarding Paul Thomas Anderson are near the top of the list. Outside of Licorice Pizza-which I shockingly really liked; I've found Anderson's movies to be undone by their glacial pacing and cold direction. While it's not my least favorite film of his, Boogie Nights does provide the best examples of the problems I have with Anderson as a director. He somehow managed to make a terrifically acted, beautifully shot saga about the excesses of the porn industry in the 70's/80's relatively boring. Sex, drug use and various forays into crime are depicted with the same level of energy that Joe Namath brings to his Medicare Coverage Helpline ad's and approaching scenes featuring chaotic behavior in such mundane fashion is a creative choice that simply doesn't work or make any sense.    

Best 80's Action Movie Released 3 Decades Late: 2 Guns (2013)

2 Guns is the best kind of throwback movie because it never feels like a product of the era it was actually released in. Government-conspiracy plot that is borderline incomprehensible? Check. Sarcasm-fueled reluctant buddy dynamic between the two polar opposite characters that are forced to team up? Check. Big, slick shootouts that are peppered with effective bits of comedy? Check. A cameo from Mr. T, car chase featuring several muscle cars getting destroyed and montage set to Ratt are the only things preventing this from reaching its peak 80's form.

Movie That I'm Thrilled that I Decided to Rewatch in the Past Week: The Happening (2008)

Revisiting The Happening for the first time since seeing it in theaters on opening night (June 13, 2008) brought a striking revelation to light: I don't think it was meant to be taken seriously. There's intentional comedy present in nearly every scene that seems to have been obscured by the cheap-looking deaths and heavily memed scenes ("Hot Dog Guy", Wahlberg talking to the plant). Now, this doesn't mean The Happening still doesn't have its share of issues: The pacing is pretty stagnant for a 90-minute movie and both Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel's performances are pretty poor. This rewatch did however get me to realize that this is a flawed, intentionally funny disaster movie opposed to the unintentionally hilarious disaster that I thought it was 14 years ago.

Movie Review: Ambulance

Thought the madness of Michael Bay could be contained by a modest $40 mil budget? Think again! If anything, having a much smaller pile of cash at his disposal than usual forced him to transfer his chaotic energy into something that was driven by constant, contained action opposed to the sprawling, CGI-riddled setpieces that drove 6 Underground and the Transformers films. The distilling of his spectacle-heavy brand of filmmaking into a relentless, adrenaline-fueled package is what makes Ambulance one of Bay's finest hours as a director and his best pure action film since The Rock.

Ambulance takes basically no time to make its intentions clear. After the opening 15 minutes where the desperate situation that causes unemployed veteran Will Sharp (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II-who reenforces why he's a rising superstar with a quietly charismatic performance that boasts a surprising amount of nuance for a film that is rooted in palpable extremes) to reluctantly accept a gig robbing a downtown Los Angeles bank with his adopted brother Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal-who is in pure ham mode and loving every minute of it), and the strained, but loving relationship between Will and Danny is set up, Bay puts his foot on the gas and doesn't even consider looking back for a second. What follows is 2 hours of unimpeded relentless chaos that sees Bay enter full maniac maestro mode. 

The practical car stunts that stem from the real time 90–100-minute chase sequence that ensues once the brothers hijack an ambulance that has an EMT (Eiza Gonzalez in her most rewarding role to date) and wounded cop (Jackson White) onboard after the robbery goes sideways are so nutty that it's shocking that the lawyers at Universal and Los Angeles city government actually granted permission for them to be done. There's so much rapid switching between vantage points and camera angles that the line between drones, handheld and dolly shots quickly gets blurred. The confined setting paired with the life-or-death scenarios that are happening inside and outside creates a combustible human dynamic where fear, absurdity, and sadness are the only things that can thrive. 

When a director that is such a natural at staging action that is brimming with immediacy and panache is paired with a cast that embraces working in such a freewheelingly wild environment, a feeling that is as close to spontaneity as a scripted films can possibly get develops and that undercurrent of organic looseness makes Ambulance an exhilaratingly rebellious outlier at a time where blockbusters are becoming more and more buttoned up.     

Grade: A-

2022 NFL Mock Draft 4.0 (4/11)

 1.Jacksonville Jaguars: Aidan Hutchinson, edge rusher (Michigan)

2.Detroit Lions: Travon Walker, edge rusher (Georgia)

3.Houston Texans: Evan Neal, tackle (Alabama)

4.New York Jets: Sauce Gardner, cornerback (Cincinnati) 

5.New York Giants: Ickey Ekonwu, tackle (NC State)

6.Carolina Panthers: Malik Willis, quarterback (Liberty)

7.New York Giants: Kayvon Thibodeaux, edge rusher (Oregon)

8.Atlanta Falcons: Kenny Pickett, quarterback (Pittsburgh)

9.Seattle Seahawks: Charles Cross, tackle (Mississippi State)

10.New York Jets: Garrett Wilson, wide receiver (Ohio State)

11.Washington Commanders: Kyle Hamilton, safety (Notre Dame)

12.Minnesota Vikings: Derek Stingley Jr., cornerback (LSU)

13.Houston Texans: Jermaine Johnson II, edge rusher (Florida State)

14.Baltimore Ravens: Jordan Davis, defensive tackle (Georgia)

15.Philadelphia Eagles: Devin Lloyd, inside linebacker (Utah)

16.New Orleans Saints: Trevor Penning, tackle (Northern Iowa)

17.Los Angeles Chargers: Devonte Wyatt, defensive tackle (Georgia) 

18.Philadelphia Eagles: Drake London, wide receiver (USC)

19.New Orleans Saints: Sam Howell, quarterback (North Carolina)

20.Pittsburgh Steelers: Trent McDuffie, cornerback (Washington)

21.New England Patriots: Tyler Linderbaum, center/guard (Iowa)

22.Green Bay Packers: Chris Olave, wide receiver (Ohio State)

23.Arizona Cardinals: Andrew Booth Jr., cornerback (Clemson)

24.Dallas Cowboys: Boye Mafe, edge rusher (Minnesota)

25.Buffalo Bills: Nakobe Dean, inside linebacker (Georgia)

26.Tennessee Titans: Zion Johnson, guard (Boston College)

27.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Dax Hill, safety (Michigan)

28.Green Bay Packers: George Karlaftis, edge rusher (Purdue)

29.Kansas City Chiefs: Jameson Williams, wide receiver (Alabama)

30.Kansas City Chiefs: Travis Jones, defensive tackle (UConn)

31.Cincinnati Bengals: Kyler Gordon, cornerback (Washington)

32.Detroit Lions: Treylon Burks, wide receiver (Arkansas) 

Jim Carrey Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked"-a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted accolades and superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Jim Carrey-whose latest project "Sonic the Hedgehog 2" hits theaters tonight. 

Jim Carrey's Filmography Ranked:

19.The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (D+)

18.Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (C-)

17.How the Grinch Stole Christmas (C-)

16.Dumb and Dumber To (C)

15.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (C)

14.Fun with Dick and Jane (C+)

13.Batman Forever (C+)

12.Mr. Popper's Penguins (B-)

11.Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (B)

10.Bruce Almighty (B)

9.Sonic the Hedgehog (B)

8.The Truman Show (B)

7.Kick-Ass 2 (B+)

6.The Mask (B+)

5.Yes Man (B+)

4.Liar Liar (B+)

3.Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (B+)

2.Dumb and Dumber (B+)

1.Me, Myself & Irene (A)

Top Dog: Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Everything Carrey did in the 90's was just an extended warm-up for the masterclass he put on Me, Myself & Irene. Playing a dual role in this manic Farrelly Brothers project provides Carrey with the perfect vehicle to showcase his physical and silly comedy gifts, which catapults this movie to a level of hilarity that none of his other movies have reached.    

Lowlight: The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is an unwelcome throwback to the 90's and 2000's when studios would routinely get a bunch of funny people together then churn out an inexplicably lazy, unfunny turd. Here, Steve Carrell, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Carrey, Alan Arkin and James Gandolfini were the unlucky gifted souls that found themselves trapped in a movie that spectacularly fails in its efforts to poke fun at the ridiculous world of celebrity magicians.     

Most Overrated: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

While watching Adaptation a few years ago made me realize that Charlie Kaufman's work could be much more insufferable than this, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is still smug, quirky and pretentious enough to remain pretty off-putting to me.

Most Underrated: Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Making a sequel to a cult favorite movie that turned the superhero genre on its head was a tall order made even more difficult by the fact that the director of the original wasn't making it (Jeff Wadlow took over for Matthew Vaughn). While Kick-Ass 2 definitely falls short of the original, the further development of the spiritual sibling bond between Kick-Ass (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and Hit-Girl (Chloe Grace Moretz), a darkly hilarious performance from Carrey as Kick-Ass' new vigilante ally Colonel Stars and Stripes and another round of wild, bloody action sequences are certainly enough to dub it a worthy continuation of the franchise.     

Comedy That Has Probably Aged the Worst: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is a goofy 90's classic that played an integral part in Carrey's ascent to Hollywood stardom. The dark side to its revered status is that a lot of the humor probably doesn't hold up to scrutiny 28 years later. It's not exactly a secret that there are a good number of jokes here that are rooted in blatant homophobia and transphobia here-which is a recurring theme in comedies from this era that has only become more glaring in recent years- and that discriminatory bullshit definitely chips away at the nostalgic power its long held for people that are currently between the ages of 25 and 40. One of these days I'll have to figure out how much this adulthood revelation impacts my actual enjoyment of it     

2000's Carrey Comedy That is Better than Most of his 90's Work: Yes Man (2008)

What differentiates Yes Man from much of Carrey's early work is the sheer amount of warmth radiating it from it. This film manages to be really sweet, upbeat and positive while also being consistently funny and silly. Heart, humor and stupidity is a really winning combination for Carrey and I'm kind of surprised that he hasn't chosen to explore this side of himself further over the past decade or so.   

Movie Review: The Bubble

The stress, isolation and uncertainty brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic triggered substantial shifts in certain individuals' behavior. For Judd Apatow, that change was forgetting what made him one of the most impactful and influential comedic filmmakers that Hollywood has ever seen. His pandemic-birthed creative endeavor The Bubble is a head-scratching affair that falls so far below that rest of his directorial efforts that it's hard to fathom that the same person that made The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up was behind it.  

What makes the execution of The Bubble particularly puzzling is that boasts a really promising setup: A group of actors (Karen Gillan, David Duchovny, Iris Apatow, Keegan-Michael Key, Pedro Pascal, Leslie Mann, Guz Khan) working on a major studio movie during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic find themselves struggling to adapt to the restrictions that are imposed on set and in the bubble hotel the studio is requiring them to stay at. That premise implies that The Bubble will provide Apatow with the type of loose sandbox he needs to create a showbiz comedy that is full of absurdity, insanity and satirical shots at the entitlement and self-importance of people that work in the film industry. To be fair, The Bubble is indeed a satire that takes aim at the Hollywood machine that contains some absurd and insane events, there just isn't a whole lot of significant laughs to be had while that playbook is being run.

Nearly every gag that The Bubble produces feels like it was much funnier on the page than it is in practice. Even the bits that do actually work including a dinosaur/human dance number led by Iris Apatow's TikTok star character being inserted into the movie at the last minute, a Zoom concert intended to boost morale among the cast and a surprisingly morbid gag involving an individual's failed attempt to escape the quarantine hotel, the zippy camaraderie and emphatic punchlines that have defined Apatow's past projects are mostly MIA. Seeing a group of naturally funny performers (in addition to the aforementioned leads, Fred Armisen, Kate McKinnon, Peter Serafinowicz, Vir Das, Rob Delaney and Borat Subsequent Moviefilm breakout Maria Bakalova round out the primary cast) being guided by a director that boasts impeccable comedic instincts turn out such half-hearted efforts is really disheartening. While the script has some problems with setting up spaces for jokes to build and really leaning into the absurdity of the situations its characters find themselves in, a lot of those issues could've been nullified if the jokes had been delivered with conviction and it's supremely odd to see Apatow and this group of actors show so little interest in doing so. 

Considering that I believe his previous film The King of Staten Island is one of his best, I'm willing to chalk up The Bubble as an outlier misfire for Apatow. COVID lockdowns did a lot of weird shit to people brains and creating a lukewarm "topical" project that probably wouldn't have left his computer screen if it wasn't for the generosity of the Netflix Entertainment Bank was the symptom of Apatow's time spent in that hazy time capsule. The lessons gained from this failed experiment should be enough for Apatow to get back on track with his next film and if they aren't, it'll be time to start really questioning if his head and heart are still in the moviemaking business.    

Grade: C+

2022 NFL Draft: Top 25 Prospects Available

We're just over 3 weeks away from the NFL Draft, which means it's time to offer up some early takes on this year's crop of prospects. While the 2022 class lacks the volume of "can't miss" talent that populated the top of the board in each of the past few drafts, the depth of this group-particularly at key positions like wide receiver, edge rusher and tackle-appears to be pretty strong. Here are the 25 prospects that I've evaluated so far that I like the most. 

Still Need to Evaluate: David Ojabo, Andrew Booth Jr., Kaiir Elam, Dax Hill, Rodger McCreary, Jalen Pitre, Bernhard Raimann, Lewis Cine, Leo Chenal, Jahan Dotson, George Pickens, Kyler Gordon, Tyler Smith, Jaquan Brisker, Chad Muma, Nik Bonitto, DeMarvin Leal, Brandon Smith, Brian Asamoah, Travis Jones, Arnold Ebiketie, Drake Jackson, John Metchie III, Carson Strong, Dameon Pierce, Kingsley Enagbare, Justyn Ross, Quay Walker, James Cook, Abraham Lucas, Kerby Joseph, Jalen Tolbert, Tyler Allgeier, Kyren Williams, Brian Robinson Jr., Martin Emerson, Nick Cross, David Bell, Bryan Cook, Cameron Thomas, Josh Paschal, All of the tight ends  

1.Aidan Hutchinson, edge rusher (Michigan)

2.Kyle Hamilton, safety (Notre Dame)

3.Ikem Ekwonu, tackle (NC State)

4.Derek Stingley Jr., cornerback (LSU)

5.Evan Neal, tackle (Alabama)

6.Garrett Wilson, wide receiver (Ohio State)

7.Devin Lloyd, inside linebacker (Utah)

8.Charles Cross, tackle (Mississippi State) 

9.Devonte Wyatt, defensive tackle (Georgia)

10.Jameson Williams, wide receiver (Alabama)

11.Kayvon Thibodeaux, edge rusher (Oregon)

12.Drake London, wide receiver (USC)

13.Jordan Davis, defensive tackle (Georgia)

14.Trent McDuffie, cornerback (Washington)

15.Sauce Gardner, cornerback (Cincinnati) 

16.Nakobe Dean, inside linebacker (Georgia)

17.Tyler Linderbaum, center/guard (Iowa)

18.Treylon Burks, wide receiver (Arkansas)

19.Skyy Moore. wide receiver (Western Michigan)

20.Jermaine Johnson II, edge rusher (Florida State)

21.Chris Olave, wide receiver (Ohio State)

22.Malik Willis, quarterback (Liberty)

23.Breece Hall, running back (Iowa State)

24.Boye Mafe, edge rusher (Minnesota)

25.Christian Watson, wide receiver (North Dakota State)

2022 NFL Mock Draft 3.0 (4/4)

1.Jacksonville Jaguars: Aidan Hutchinson, edge rusher (Michigan)

2.Detroit Lions: Travon Walker, edge rusher (Georgia)

3.Houston Texans: Evan Neal, tackle (Alabama)

4.New York Jets: Sauce Gardner, cornerback (Cincinnati) 

5.New York Giants: Ikem Ekonwu, tackle (NC State)

6.Carolina Panthers: Malik Willis, quarterback (Liberty)

7.New York Giants: Kyle Hamilton, safety (Notre Dame)

8.Atlanta Falcons: Drake London, wide receiver (USC)

9.Seattle Seahawks: Charles Cross, tackle (Mississippi State) 

10.New York Jets: Kayvon Thibodeaux, edge rusher (Oregon)

11.Washington Commanders: Garrett Wilson, wide receiver (Ohio State)

12.Minnesota Vikings: Derek Stingley Jr., cornerback (LSU)

13.Houston Texans: Jermaine Johnson II, edge rusher (Florida State)

14.Baltimore Ravens: Jordan Davis, defensive tackle (Georgia)

15.Philadelphia Eagles: Trent McDuffie, cornerback (Washington)

16.New Orleans Saints: Chris Olave, wide receiver (Ohio State)

17.Los Angeles Chargers: Devonte Wyatt, defensive tackle (Georgia)

18.Philadelphia Eagles: Nakobe Dean, inside linebacker (Georgia)

19.New Orleans Saints: Kenny Pickett, quarterback (Pittsburgh)

20.Pittsburgh Steelers: Tyler Linderbaum, center/guard (Iowa)

21.New England Patriots: Dax Hill, safety (Michigan)

22.Green Bay Packers: Treylon Burks, wide receiver (Arkansas)

23.Arizona Cardinals: Andrew Booth Jr., cornerback (Clemson)

24.Dallas Cowboys: Boye Mafe, edge rusher (Minnesota)

25.Buffalo Bills: Kaiir Elam, cornerback (Florida)

26.Tennesee Titans: Kenyon Green, guard/tackle (Texas A&M)

27.Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Zion Johnson, guard (Boston College)

28.Green Bay Packers: George Karalaftis, edge rusher (Purdue)

29.Kansas City Chiefs: Jameson Williams, wide receiver (Alabama)

30.Kansas City Chiefs: Jalen Pitre, safety/cornerback (Baylor)

31.Cincinnati Bengals: Rodger McCreary, cornerback (Auburn)

32.Detroit Lions: Skyy Moore, wide receiver (Western Michigan)