I really don't know where to start with my criticisms of Lulu. Everything that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong. Lulu is so bad that it's almost impressive. It reaches levels of unholy shit that were previously unfathomable to the human mind. I really don't know how anyone involved thought this was good and should be released for the public to hear. The album sounds like Lou Reed is a crazed war veteran telling his incoherent stories while Metallica is practicing rhythm riffs in another room. Honestly Lou, if you wanted to read your awful poetry, go to a fucking open mic night. Don't call up Metallica and ask them to play boring riffs while you go on monotonous,incoherent ramblings. You know when album starts off with the lyrics "I would cut my legs and tits off when I think of Boris Karloff and Kinski in the dark of the moon" that there is some serious problems ahead. Why I didn't turn this album off after that is beyond me. The next 60 minutes or so of this monumental turd just got more and more painful.
"The View" is one of the worst songs on here and it starts the theme of Reed repeating the same words over and over again in almost every song. Just when don't think the song can get any worse, James Hetfield joins in on the party and repeatedly screams the lyrics "I am the table!". I am honestly shocked my head didn't explode after I heard the man that was responsible for masterpieces like Ride The Lightning and Master Of Puppets screaming about how he is a fucking table. Just when I didn't think the album could get any fucking worse, "Pumping Blood" came on. The idiotic lyrics reach new lows when Reed's crusty, emotionless ass proclaims "If I waggle my ass like a dark prostitute, would you think less of me?" and even better this gem "I will swallow your sharpest cutter, like a colored man's dick". Torture porn was used as a term to describe horror films like Hostel and Saw, I would like to bring back the term an apply to this album after hearing this song. After hearing that song, I wanted to track Lou Reed down and demand him for compensation for exposing me to this fucking abomination. Keep in mind, I was only three songs in at this point in time. The first disc of this feces-ridden double album continues with a failed attempt of capturing Metallica's sound on a track with the confusing thrashy sections of "Mistress Dread" which is the "best" song on the album and "Iced Honey" which I have pretty no comment on. The first disc closes out with the worst song of the bunch, "Cheat On Me". I thought "The View" and "Pumping Blood" were pretty much unmatched in the pure, unadulterated shit department, let's just say I fucked up. "Cheat On Me" is an 11-minute long tidal wave of shit. After 3 minutes of dull ambiance, Reed comes in and starts whining and repeating the phrase "Why did you cheat on me?". This is pretty much all the happens for the next 8 minutes. The 11-minute duration seems to go on for so long you feel like just watched the entire Lord Of The Rings franchise by the time it's over.
The second disc is just as painful. All of the songs are extremely long, which only adds to the pain of this album. There really isn't much to say except that it's at the same level of shit as the rest of the albm After yet another 11-minute snore/crapfest "Dragon", I threw in the towel. There was only one song left the 19-minute long "Junior Dad", I couldn't bring myself to listen to yet another one of Reed's fucking retarded, perverted old-man ramblings for almost 20 minutes. The first 60+ minutes gave me an enough of idea of how fucking awful this album is. This is the first album in a very, very long time that could not complete listening to. Normally, I will finish an album no matter what, but I just could not do that with Lulu.
Lulu is easily the worst album of 2011 (I listened to the new Emmure this year... didn't think it could be topped in the shit department) and one of the worst album I have ever heard. The idea was bad and the execution was even worse. Lou Reed's various spoken-word ramblings are grating, awful, and just plain cringe-inducing. On top of Reed's awful presence and vision for this album, Metallica doesn't do anything to help this out either. Kirk Hammett is reduced to playing generic, simple riffs and Lars Ulrich's drumming has never sounded worse (the drums on this album sounded like they were recorded in outer fucking space.) Shooting heroin, robbing a bank, sleeping with a hooker, are all better choices than listening to Lulu. I beg everyone to not listen this album. It's such a landmark failure on every level. Both acts should be absolutely ashamed of themselves for releasing this album and expecting their fans to pay for money this garbage.
0/5 Stars
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