Matthew Vaughn Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best. This week, I'm profiling the work of Matthew Vaughn-whose latest project "Argylle" releases in theaters on Thursday night. 

7.Stardust (2007):

Vaughn's first major studio feature stands out among his filmography in the worst way imaginable. While it deserves props for swinging for the fences, Stardust is ultimately a gratingly cheesy, unwieldy mess of a movie whose jam-packed genre cornucopia (fairy tale, adventure, fantasy, romance, steampunk, comedy) never adds up to a coherent or satisfying whole.      

Grade: D+

6.The King's Man (2021):

Outside of the scenes with Rasputin (Rhys Ifans in full-blown character actor ham mode), Kingsman prequel The King's Man is a surprisingly serious, occasionally downright dour affair that doesn't fit the mold of the franchise. Despite its puzzling shift in tone, a very good lead performance from Ralph Fiennes and another string of terrific action sequences are enough to make it worth a watch.    

Grade: B

5.Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017):

The Golden Circle suffered from the unfair, yet inevitable affliction of heightened expectations brought on by being the sequel to a beloved surprise hit film. While it never quite matches the brilliance of its predecessor, this bigger, nuttier sequel does feature a super fun sadistic villain turn from Julianne Moore, a pre-superstardom Pedro Pascal showing off the charisma that has made him one of Hollywood's most in-demand actors today and a whole lot of satisfying, well-constructed over-the-top action setpieces.          

Grade: B+

4.X-Men: First Class (2011):

So much has happened in the world of superhero movies since the summer of 2011 that X-Men: First Class has managed to get kind of lost in the shuffle, which is unfortunate since it's a pretty great movie. Vaughn found a way to launch a new era of X-Men by focusing on the relationship between the young Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Erik Lehnserr (Michael Fassbender). McAvoy and Fassbender gracefully overcome being in the shadow of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan respectively to deliver their own equally terrific takes on these classic characters and it was very rewarding to go back and see how the classic battle lines between mutants were drawn. Whatever unlucky soul is tasked with integrating a new set of X-Men into the MCU will have a tough time matching the gracefulness of First Class' origin story.        

Grade: B+

3.Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015):

A crass, cartoony and gory send-up of James Bond is a tremendous idea and there was nobody better to deliver it to the world than Vaughn. His familiarity with graphic novel adaptations and traditional blockbusters gives this film the perfect combination of huge scope and hyperstylized sleaziness, Taron Edgerton's casting as a brash British street punk turned suave secret agent is nothing short of perfect and the church fight is a true jaw-dropper that remains one of the finest pieces of action filmmaking that I've ever seen.     

Grade: A-

2.Layer Cake (2005):

Is Vaughn's debut feature basically just a riff on Guy Ritchie's Cockney gangster comedies-which he produced? No question. But when the dialogue is this sharp, the visuals/editing are this slick and the characters are this engaging, it really doesn't matter how much it owes or borrows from other great films that came before it.  

Grade: A 

1.Kick-Ass (2010): 

Gritty, colorful and completely off-the-rails, Kick-Ass is a masterful graphic novel adaptation that I'd argue is among the 3 best R-rated "superhero" movies ever made. Vaughn has publicly stated in recent months that he hopes to make a new Kick-Ass film after turning over the keys to Jeff Wadlow for 2013's Kick-Ass 2, but quite frankly, I'd only want to see that film if Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Chloe Grace Moretz-who are the primary reason all of this sadistic madness works-are involved in at least some capacity.      

Grade: A

Movie Review: Mean Girls (2024)

When history looks back at the 2024 version of Mean Girls, it will likely be best remembered for Paramount's decision to conceal the fact that it was a musical in nearly all of its marketing materials (except for the first teaser that played in front of Taylor Swift's Eras Tour concert movie, which makes the treatment of its musical status as an open secret even more bizarre). Remaking the 2004 teen comedy classic in any capacity is a tricky proposition for a variety of reasons (how poorly some of the jokes have aged, modern audiences' familiarity with/attachment to the original film, the differences in high school culture between now and then) and for what it's worth, the team behind Mean Girls' 24 does an admirable job of adding modern flourishes to the script and putting their own fingerprints on this iconic collection of characters without changing their spirit or the purpose they serve to the story. 

The problem with the balancing act between the familiar and the new that drives Mean Girls is that the former constantly trips up the latter. For every new idea that works whether it be using a song to explore a character or offer up a different take on an iconic scene (the reworkings of the Cady's first meeting with the Plastics in the cafeteria and the Halloween Party scene are particularly effective) or demonstrating the evolution of bullying through the lens of social media, there's the verbatim retelling of jokes that anyone who has seen the original movie are very familiar with or slight variations on them to make them suitable for modern audiences that prevent them from landing with the same punch that they did 2 decades ago. It's almost like watching a band mix things up by playing some killer originals before pivoting back to some passable covers because they feel the audience would rather hear something they're familiar with instead of something new. This desire to comfort the fans of the original with callbacks frequently dulls the vibrant new personality that regularly finds ways to cut through all of the familiarity present and it's kind of ironic that a film that counts the concepts of personal growth, self-acceptance/discovery and not giving into peer pressure among its major themes is so afraid to establish its own identity. Nostalgia can be a real crutch when artists allow it to get in the way of their own takes on ideas and Mean Girls '24 would've likely been much better than a decent modern remake if it had just let go of the past and fully embraced being the thing that the studio that released it was too ashamed to admit that it is: A fucking musical reimagining of Mean Girls. 

Grade: B-                                          

NFL Conference Championship Predictions

Divisional Round Record: 4-0

Overall Playoff Record: 6-4

Baltimore Ravens over Kansas City Chiefs: 

Picking against Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs just feels kind of wrong even in a season like this where they've struggled considerably more than any other at point during the Mahomes-era. Their defense is a tough, physical group-especially in the secondary, Andy Reid is still doing a terrific job with calling/scheming the offense and as he's proven once again over the past couple weeks, Mahomes has a gift for stepping up in big games that is unmatched by any of his active peers at the quarterback position. While a second straight win from them wouldn't shock me at all, I'm still riding with the Ravens. The Chiefs biggest weakness on defense is against the run, which plays right into the Ravens hands offensively as they have the most dynamic rushing attack in the league with Lamar Jackson and their revolving door of RB's with different skill sets/styles (Gus Edwards, Justice Hill, Dalvin Cook), the physicality and coverage skills of the Ravens pass defense should cause some serious problems for the Chiefs erratic receiving corps and the absence of All-Pro guard Joe Thuney could have a huge ripple effect on the Chiefs offensive line's ability to create rushing lanes and provide Mahomes with enough time to work his magic-which is a not-so-ideal development for a matchup against a Ravens front 7 that has been dominant nearly every week this season.           

San Francisco 49ers over Detroit Lions:

Just about everybody that isn't a 49ers fan will be pulling for the Lions in this game as they have an opportunity to make their 1st Super Bowl appearance in franchise history. As great as that would be to witness, I don't like the Lions chances in this game at all. While the 49ers are extremely lucky to be here after being outplayed by the Packers for about 55 of the 60 minutes of their divisional round contest, they should be extremely hungry to get back on track after such a sloppy outing on both sides of the ball and I believe that they will in a big way against a Lions defense that is just brutally awful against the pass-even with Deebo Samuel potentially being limited by the shoulder injury he suffered against the Packers. Plus, as impressive as the Lions have been in each of the past two rounds, both games were at home and traveling into a hostile environment to play the clear best defense/most complete team they've played in these playoffs so far is not a good recipe for success for a team that's had some horrific showings on the road this season (at Chicago, at Baltimore and to a lesser extent, at Dallas).             

Mike Epps Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Mike Epps-whose latest project "The Underdoggs" debuts on Prime Video this Friday. 

Mike Epps' Filmography Ranked:

29.Acts of Violence (D+)

28.Friday After Next (D+)

27.Next Day Air (D+)

26.Dr. Doolittle 2 (C-)

25.Jumping the Broom (C-)

24.The Honeymooners (C)

23.Guess Who (C)

22.How High 2 (C)

21.Fifty Shades of Black (C)

20.The Last Black Man in San Francisco (C)

19.All About the Benjamins (C)

18.You People (C+)

17.Soul Men (C+)

16.The Hangover Part III (C+)

15.Malibu's Most Wanted (C+)

14.Resident Evil: Apocalypse (C+)

13.Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (B-)

12.Faster (B-)

11.Death Wish (B-)

10.Next Friday (B-)

9.Roll Bounce (B-)

8.Hancock (B)

7.Girls Trip (B)

6.Uncle Drew (B)

5.Resident Evil: Extinction (B)

4.Talk to Me (B)

3.How High (B+)

2.The Hangover (A)

1.Dolemite is My Name (A)

Top Dog: Dolemite is My Name (2019)

This biopic about the creation of the Dolemite character by comedian/dreamer Rudy Ray Moore and the making of the subsequent Blaxploitation classic of the same name is a pure delight. Eddie Murphy gives his funniest, most commanding performance in ages as a long-struggling performer who finally gets to live out his dream of stardom after years of failure, the supporting cast is loaded with scene-stealers (Wesley Snipes, Da'Vine Joy Randolph, Keegan Michael-Key, Epps, Titus Burgess, Craig Robinson) that adds plenty of chaos, camaraderie and heart to Moore's Dolemite journey and director Craig Brewer ensures that the film is a vibrant love letter to independent cinema and all of the fearlessness, creativity and DIY-driven ingenuity that makes it possible.     

Bottom Feeder: Acts of Violence (2018)

Whether it's on the big screen or for a streaming service, Hollywood has churned out plenty of huge action genre misfires over the years. But in my eyes at least, at least 95% of those whiffs can't contend with the garbage that is coming out of the direct-to-VOD/video space. Enter Acts of Violence-which is actually considered to be one of the better films that Bruce Willis appeared in during the epic, actually quite tragic run of low budget flicks he put together before he was forced to retire from acting in 2022 for health reasons. This entire film is so poorly constructed from top to bottom that it feels like a group of college freshman somehow got a handful of recognizable actors (Cole Hauser, Shawn Ashmore, Ashton Holmes, Sophia Bush, Patrick St. Espirt, Willis, Epps) to appear in their student film that was shot over 4 days in a midwest suburb. How movies like Acts of Violence remain profitable endeavors for their producers that distributors from all over the world rake out cash for-especially in an era where VOD rentals have seemingly declined quite a bit from the late 2000's/early 2010's- is completely beyond my comprehension.        

Most Underrated: Dolemite is My Name (2019)

Netflix's burial of Dolemite is My Name is one of the most egregious sins they've ever committed on their platform. If you're the market to watch a movie that's fun, warm and inspiring and/or a fan of Eddie Murphy, please considering seeking this one out.   

Most Overrated: Girls Trip (2016)

Girls Trip is a pretty funny movie that reminds me of the good old days when R-rated comedies used to be able to breakout and become blockbusters at the box office. I just also happen to think it's a very flawed movie that relies far too heavily on one character to provide the engine for the comedy (Tiffany Haddish's Dina) and makes the stunning miscalculation of not allowing proven genre ace Regina Hall to actively partake in any of the comedic bits.       

Movie That I Still Can't Believe Epps Appeared In: Acts of Violence (2018)

As illustrated by the list above, Epps' filmography is dominated by comedies. But like most veteran working actors, Epps occasionally zigs out of his comfort zone and takes on some projects that you wouldn't expect him to appear in. While his roles in a pair of Resident Evil movie, indie drama The Last Black Man in San Francisco and the upcoming superhero film Madame Web certainly fall under this umbrella, the only time Epps showing up in something truly bewildered me was Acts of Violence. Sure, Epps has appeared in the occasional action movie over the years, but a direct-to-VOD dud? That's far below his pay grade. Making his appearance in this film even more unexpected is the fact that he plays a vicious sex trafficking kingpin. Seriously, how crazy is that! While he didn't get exactly shine brightly in this villainous role, seeing him go so far out of his comfort zone was easily the most interesting thing about this cheap, deeply incompetent misfire.      

Oscar Nomination Predictions

Sometime shortly after 8:00 AM EST tomorrow morning, the 2023 film awards cycle will take another giant step towards its apex when the Oscar nominations are announced in Los Angeles by Zazie Beetz and Jack Quaid. Here are the names and films I expect to be competing for Hollywood's top prizes this year.

Best Picture:

American Fiction

Barbie

The Holdovers

Killers of the Flower Moon

Maestro

Oppenheimer

Past Lives

Poor Things

Saltburn

The Zone of Interest 

Locks: Barbie, The Holdovers, Killers of the Flower Moon, Oppenheimer, Poor Things

Toss-Ups: American Fiction, Maestro, Past Lives, Saltburn, The Zone of Interest

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: All of Us Strangers, Anatomy of a Fall, The Color Purple, May December, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Best Director:

Greta Gerwig, Barbie

Yorgos Lanthimos, Poor Things

Christopher Nolan, Oppenheimer 

Alexander Payne, The Holdovers

Martin Scorsese, Killers of the Flower Moon

Locks: Yorgos Lanthimos, Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese 

Toss-Ups: Greta Gerwig, Alexander Payne

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Bradley Cooper (Maestro), Jonathan Glazer (The Zone of Interest), Cord Jefferson (American Fiction), Celine Song (Past Lives), Justine Triet (Anatomy of a Fall) 

Best Actor:

Bradley Cooper, Maestro

Colman Domingo, Rustin

Paul Giamatti, The Holdovers

Cillian Murphy, Oppenheimer 

Jeffrey Wright, American Fiction

Locks: Bradley Cooper, Paul Giamatti, Cillian Murphy

Toss-Ups: Colman Domingo, Jeffrey Wright

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Leonardo DiCaprio (Killers of the Flower Moon), Zac Efron (The Iron Claw), Barry Keoghan (Saltburn), Andrew Scott (All of Us Strangers), Teo Yoo (Past Lives)

Best Actress:

Lily Gladstone, Killers of the Flower Moon

Sandra Hueller, Anatomy of a Fall

Carey Mulligan, Maestro

Margot Robbie, Barbie

Emma Stone, Poor Things

Locks: Lily Gladstone, Carey Mulligan, Emma Stone

Toss-Ups: Sandra Hueller, Margot Robbie

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Fantasia Barrino (The Color Purple), Annette Bening (Nyad), Greta Lee (Past Lives), Natalie Portman (May December), Anjanue Ellis-Taylor (Origin) 

Best Supporting Actor:

Sterling K. Brown, American Fiction

Robert De Niro, Killers of the Flower Moon

Robert Downey Jr., Oppenheimer 

Ryan Gosling, Barbie

Dominic Sessa, The Holdovers

Locks: Robert De Niro, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling

Toss-Ups: Sterling K. Brown, Dominic Sessa

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Willem Dafoe (Poor Things), Jacob Elordi (Saltburn), Paul Mescal (All of Us Strangers), Charles Melton (May December), Mark Ruffalo (Poor Things)

Best Supporting Actress:

Emily Blunt, Oppenheimer

Danielle Brooks, The Color Purple 

Penelope Cruz, Ferrari 

Jodie Foster, Nyad

Da'Vine Joy Randolph, The Holdovers

Locks: Emily Blunt, Da'Vine Joy Randolph

Toss-Ups: Danielle Brooks, Penelope Cruz, Jodie Foster

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: America Ferrera (Barbie), Claire Foy (All of Us Strangers), Sandra Hueller (The Zone of Interest), Julianne Moore (May December), Rosamund Pike (Saltburn)

Best Original Screenplay:

Anatomy of a Fall

The Holdovers

Past Lives

May December

Saltburn

Locks: Anatomy of a Fall, The Holdovers, Past Lives

Toss-Ups: May December, Saltburn

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Air, Asteroid City, The Boy and the Heron, The Iron Claw, Maestro

Best Adapted Screenplay:

American Fiction

Barbie

Killers of the Flower Moon

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

Locks: American Fiction, Barbie, Oppenheimer, Poor Things

Toss-Up: Killers of the Flower Moon

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: All of Us Strangers, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, The Color Purple, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, The Zone of Interest

Best Cinematography:

Killers of the Flower Moon

Maestro

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

The Zone of Interest

Locks: Killers of the Flower Moon, Oppenheimer, Poor Things

Toss-Ups: Maestro, The Zone of Interest

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Barbie, The Color Purple, El Conde, Napoleon, Saltburn

Best Film Editing:

Barbie

The Holdovers

Killers of the Flower Moon

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

Locks: Killers of the Flower Moon, Oppenheimer

Toss-Ups: Barbie, The Holdovers, Poor Things

Other Viable Contenders for a Nomination: Anatomy of a Fall, Ferrari, The Killer, Maestro, The Zone of Interest 

Best Animated Feature:

The Boy and the Heron

Elemental

Nimona

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

Best Documentary Feature:

20 Days in Mariupol 

American Symphony 

Beyond Utopia

Four Daughters

Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie

Best International Feature:

20 Days in Mariupol

Society of the Snow

The Taste of Things

The Teacher's Lounge

The Zone of Interest 

Best Costume Design:

Barbie

The Color Purple

Killers of the Flower Moon

Napoleon

Poor Things

Best Makeup and Hairstyling:

Golda

Maestro

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

Society of the Snow 

Best Production Design:

Barbie

Killers of the Flower Moon

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

The Zone of Interest

Best Score:

Killers of the Flower Moon

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse 

The Zone of Interest 

Best Original Song:

"The Fire Inside", Flamin' Hot

"I'm Just Ken", Barbie

"It Never Went Away", American Symphony 

"Road to Freedom", Rustin

"What Was I Made For?, Barbie 

Best Sound:

Ferrari

Maestro

Napoleon

Oppenheimer 

The Zone of Interest

Best Visual Effects:

The Creator

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3

Poor Things

Society of the Snow

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse 

Best Animated Short:

Letter to a Pig

Ninety-Five Senses 

Once Upon a Studio

Pete

WAR IS OVER! Inspired by the Music of John and Yoko

Best Documentary Short:

The ABCs of Book Banning

The Barber of Little Rock

Deciding Vote

The Last Repair Shop

Last Song from Kabul

Best Live Action Short:

The After

The Anne Frank Gift Shop

The Shepard 

Strange Way of Life

The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar

NFL Divisional Round Predictions

Wild Card Record: 2-4 (Correct: Chiefs, Bills Incorrect: Browns, Cowboys, Rams, Eagles)

Baltimore Ravens over Houston Texans: 

Despite being the top seed in the AFC, the Ravens are entering this postseason with a lot to prove. Lamar Jackson has a spotty track record in the playoffs to say the least with a 1-3 career record, John Harbaugh hasn't been much better himself of late-going just 2-5 in the playoffs since winning the Super Bowl in 2012 and their top-ranked defense is mostly compromised of players who haven't played in a whole lot of high-leverage games during their professional careers. A hungry Texans team led by the scorching hot rookie QB C.J. Stroud that just flat-out demolished the Browns last weekend will provide an excellent test of their meddle. Ultimately, I'm pretty confident in the Ravens ability to pull this one out. Naive or not, I do believe this Ravens team has grown up and delivered tough, clutch performances in spots this year where they hadn't previously (Christmas Day in San Francisco against the 49ers being the best example)-which has sold me on their ability to perform on this stage, it would be stunning if the Ravens defense displayed the level of poor tackling and pass coverage that allowed the Texans to make so many huge plays against the Browns and like most young teams, the Texans haven't been as sharp on the road as they've been in their own building (4-5 versus their 7-3 makr in their own building).       

San Francisco 49ers over Green Bay Packers: 

The Packers complete and utter domination of the Cowboys on Wild Card Weekend was the biggest endorsement of Matt LaFluer, Jordan and the unsung ability of their young talent on both sides of the ball yet. That being said, the 49ers don't have the same struggles with execution and mental toughness that the Cowboys have this time of year and Kyle Shanahan has absolutely given the business to his old friend LaFleur in both of their previous playoff meetings-which makes another shocking road upset feel highly unlikely.    

Detroit Lions over Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd write: I think the Detroit Lions are going to make the NFC Championship Game. While Tampa's excellent run/redzone D, Dan Campbell's erratic nature and the tragedy-fueled DNA of this team leaves plenty of room for things to go sideways, their defense's ability to make stops when it mattered in the redzone last week on a night where Matthew Stafford was absolutely dealing under center despite taking an absolute beating and Jared Goff's ability to step up and seal the deal when the Rams were threatening to pull off the upset showed that this team isn't too big for the moment and just might be able to go on the type of run that we haven't seen from them in over 30 years. Plus, The Bucs are a weaker team than the Rams in most facets of the game and it's more likely that their impressive offensive performance last week can be chalked up to just how bad the Eagles played than anything special that Baker Mayfield and OC Dave Canales did (although it does need to be noted that the Bucs probably would've scored 50+ points if the Bucs receivers didn't drop 5 or 6 passes that Mayfield couldn't have possibly thrown any better).      

Kansas City Chiefs over Buffalo Bills: 

The NFL got exactly what they wanted in yet another Chiefs/Bills matchup in the playoffs. What makes this particular showdown between these newly-minted rivals so exciting is that it's the first time that they've met in Upstate New York this time of the year. While the game being in Orchard Park and the Chiefs being the most vulnerable they've been during the Patrick Mahomes-era by far on account of the unreliable cast of pass-catchers the front office has surrounded him with gives the Bills a good chance to win this game, I still like Kansas City here. The combination of this being his 1st career road playoff game and the Kadarius Toney offsides debacle that cost them their meeting during the regular season should put Mahomes in a spot where he's extra motivated to ball out, the Bills really haven't looked all that sharp offensively for the majority of the past 4 weeks despite what the scoreboard has said when the game clock reached 0:00 and most importantly, the Bills are extremely banged-up on defense right now-which is not a great development when Andy Reid and Mahomes are coming into the town.        

Movie Review: The Beekeeper

Last year, Hollywood provided a certain brand of degenerate moviegoer with a gift that they hadn't received in quite some time: A proper January movie. This film boasted the succinct, perfectly-apt title of Plane and it told the story of a pilot (Gerard Butler) who crash lands on an island off the coast of the Philippines that's been overrun by a violent militia and is soon forced to team up with the convict he was transporting (Mike Colter) to defend the crew and passengers and find a way off the island by any means necessary. Seeing a modern theatrical release harken back to the glory days of workman-like action flicks being released at the top of the calendar year was an oddly heartwarming event that reinforced the belief that Hollywood was indeed back in business after COVID wreaked havoc on the start of the 2020's. Well, it turns out that Plane was ushering in a full-on revival of this old Hollywood practice and this year's entry The Beekeeper delivers even more of the glorious B-movie hijinks that just hit different in January.

As you can probably deduce from the title, The Beekeeper tells the story of a beekeeper named Adam Clay (Jason Statham) who spends his days tending to a large swarm of bees and producing honey on a desolate Western Massachusetts farm. He also happens to be a retired member of a clandestine organization of elite killers called The Beekeepers who operate independently from the United States government and step in whenever "the hive" (aka the people of the United States) needs to be protected from nefarious forces. Clay's quiet retirement suddenly comes to an end when the nice woman (Phylicia Rashad) he rents a barn from commits suicide after falling victim to a phishing scam that drained all of her bank accounts and decides to hunt down the people responsible. What starts off as a simple act of revenge turns into something much bigger than Clay bargained for and soon, the reinstated Beekeeper is tasked with taking down one of the biggest threats to the hive that he's ever faced.

The Beekeeper is one of those sadly all too rare examples of a movie being exactly what it was advertised to be. Anybody who wants to see a movie where Statham pretty much effortlessly dispatches legions of faceless goons, about a quarter of the dialogue consists of terrible bee puns and the plot seemingly gets dumber and more convoluted by the minute will be delighted by it. Everyone else should steer clear because there is nothing for them here. Comparisons to John Wick are inevitable given the "elite killer comes out of retirement to extract revenge on shitbags who caused the death of a loved one" plot, but I don't believe they really apply as this is a far sillier, sleazier affair that doesn't share the Wick films interest in character and noirish style. 

Regardless of what films it may or may not share DNA with, The Beekeeper gets the job done by delivering a lot of solid, crisply edited action sequences that are primarily driven by hand-to-hand fighting, getting self-aware, scenery-chewing performances from Statham, Jeremy Irons and Josh Hutcherson-who manages to steal the movie as the douchey techbro antagonist and boasting the kind of polished production values that studios don't always give to mid-budget action movies these days (look no further than Statham's last movie Expend4bles-which was a strong sound mix away from being indecipherable from a straight-to-VOD project). It's probably the best solo Statham pure action flick to come out since Homefront as well as a rousing return to form from David Ayer after a poorly received string of films (Suicide Squad, Bright, The Tax Collector) cratered his stock in the industry. I wouldn't be mad at all if every few Januarys we saw Statham go on a ludicrous mission to break up some elaborate crime ring that was stealing money from the pockets of America's working class.              

Grade: B

Jake Johnson Ranked

Welcome to "Ranked", a weekly series where I rank a franchise or filmography from worst to best and hand out assorted related superlatives. This week, I'm profiling the work of Jake Johnson-whose latest project "Self Reliance" is now streaming on Hulu.

Jake Johnson's Filmography Ranked:

19.Joshy (C)

18.The Mummy (C+)

17.Flower (C+)

16.No Strings Attached (B-)

15.A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas (B-)

14.Coffee Town (B-) 

13.Ride the Eagle (B-)

12.Win It All (B-)

11.Let's Be Cops (B)

10.Drinking Buddies (B)

9.Jurassic World (B) 

8.Safety Not Guaranteed (B)

7.Tag (B+)

6.Neighbors (B+)

5.Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (B+)

4.The Lego Movie (B+)

3.Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (A-)

2.Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (A-)

1.21 Jump Street (A)

Top Dog: 21 Jump Street (2012)

Both Jump Street films are triumphs that rank among the funniest films of the 2010's, but 21 Jump Street is special since it caught pretty much everybody off-guard. Animation directors Chris Lord and Phil Miller fearlessly dove into the world of live-action films for the first time with a lively meta satire of remakes, cop shows, high school movies and a million other things that showed the world that Channing Tatum is a comedic force to be reckoned with, a foul-mouthed, perpetually angry police captain was the role that Ice Cube was born to play and doves simply aren't cool outside of a John Woo movie.  

Bottom Feeder: Joshy (2016)

While it makes absolutely delightful use of Jenny Slate's reliably funny, charming screen presence, Joshy is one of those sadsack indie dramedies that struggles to find the right tone or settle on a message with any real emotional heft despite the earnest efforts from everyone involved.   

Most Underrated: Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)

Is it likely that I am among the biggest fans of Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates on the entire planet? Very much so. Given the strong possibility that this is the case, I'll now proceed to break down why I love this movie so much. 1.The ensemble cast from the top (Adam DeVine, Zac Efron, Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza) to the middle (Sam Richardson, Sugar Lyn Beard, Alice Wetterlund, Stephen Root) to the bottom (Kumail Nanjiani, Marc Maron, Johnson) is loaded with terrific comedic performers who are all exceptionally funny when called upon but also know when they need to play it straight in order for somebody else to shine. 2.Both Kendrick and Plaza and DeVine and Efron are perfectly-matched pairs that sell the hell out of the love and loyalty that exists within their relationships. 3.All of the major comedic setpieces deliver big time. 4.It remains extremely funny to me after several re-watches. 5.It's a great tourism ad for Hawaii. I'd highly recommend anybody to check it out, just be warned that you almost certainly won't like it nearly as much as I do.     

Most Overrated: A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011) 

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas was all the evidence I needed that this franchise needed to come to an end. Both John Cho and Kal Penn pretty much checked out on playing these characters, the joke hit rate is considerably lower than the previous two films and like the previous sequel, the more elaborate, fantastical plot somehow manages to reduce the silly stoner film magic that the first one had in spades. Some amusing, deliberately gimmicky use of 3D and another scene-stealing performance from Neil Patrick Harris as himself are really the only things that make this semi-watchable.

2023 NFL All-Pro Team

Quarterback:

1st team: Lamar Jackson (Ravens)

2nd team: Dak Prescott (Cowboys)

Running Back:

1st team: Christian McCaffery (49ers), Kyren Williams (Rams)

2nd team: Raheem Mostert (Dolphins), James Cook (Bills)

Wide Receiver:

1st team: Tyreek Hill (Dolphins), CeeDee Lamb (Cowboys)

2nd team: Amon-Ra St. Brown (Lions), Puka Nacua (Rams)

Tight End:

1st team: George Kittle (49ers)

2nd team: Sam LaPorta (Lions)

Tackle:

1st team: Trent Williams (49ers), Penei Sewell (Lions)

2nd team: Jordan Mailata (Eagles), Lane Johnson (Eagles)

Guard:

1st team: Joe Thuney (Chiefs), Chris Lindstrom (Falcons)

2nd team: Tyler Smith (Cowboys), Kevin Dotson (Rams)

Center:

1st team: Frank Ragnow (Lions)

2nd team: Erik McCoy (Saints)

Defensive End:

1st team: Myles Garrett (Browns), Micah Parsons (Cowboys)

2nd team: Nick Bosa (49ers), Maxx Crosby (Raiders)

Defensive Tackle:

1st team: Dexter Lawrence (Giants), Aaron Donald (Rams)

2nd team: Justin Madubuike (Ravens), Derrick Brown (Panthers)

Outside Linebacker:

1st team: Josh Allen (Jaguars), T.J. Watt (Steelers)

2nd team: Khalil Mack (Chargers), Danielle Hunter (Vikings)

Inside Linebacker:

1st team: DeMario Davis (Saints), Fred Warner (49ers)

2nd team: Roquan Smith (Ravens), C.J. Mosley (Jets)

Cornerback:

1st team: DaRon Bland (Cowboys), Jaylon Johnson (Bears)

2nd team: Sauce Gardner (Jets), Charvarius Ward (49ers)

Safety:

1st team: Jessie Bates III (Falcons), Kyle Hamilton (Ravens)

2nd team: Antoine Winfield Jr. (Buccaneers), Jabrill Peppers (Patriots) 

Kicker:

1st team: Brandon Aubrey (Cowboys)

2nd team: Harrison Butker (Chiefs)

Punter: 

1st team: A.J. Cole (Raiders)

2nd team: Bryan Anger (Cowboys)

Return Specialists:

1st team: Kavontae Turpin (Cowboys) Keisean Nixon (Packers)

2nd team: Ihmir Smith-Marsette (Panthers), Rasheed Shaheed (Saints)

Special Teamer:

1st team: Matthew Adams (Browns)

2nd team: Miles Killebrew (Steelers)

Long Snapper:

1st team: Ross Matisick (Jaguars)

2nd team: Mitchell Fraboni (Broncos) 

    

  

NFL Wild Card Predictions

Cleveland Browns over Houston Texans:

What the Texans have been able to do this year with a rookie QB, rookie head coach, first-time offensive playcaller and mostly young roster has been nothing short of extraordinary considering how bleak things were for them prior to this season. Unfortunately, there's another great story on the opposing sidelines looking to end their storybook season and I believe they'll do it. The Browns powerhouse defense is an excellent matchup against a rookie QB on this stage and the nearly 40-year old gunslinger Joe Flacco-whose made his share of playoff magic over the course of his career-should have no trouble completing some downfield bombs against a below average Texans secondary.   

Kansas City Chiefs over Miami Dolphins:

The temperature in Kansas City tonight is slated to be -15 with the wind chill, so this would be a less-than-ideal matchup for the Dolphins under any circumstances. Throw in all of the key injuries they're dealing with (Jaylen Waddle, Jevon Holland, Raheem Mostert, DeShon Elliott, Xavien Howard-who has already been ruled out) and Kansas City's clear advantage in the physicality department on both sides of the ball and you have a game that's going to be damn near impossible for them to win. The football fans out there that don't have a Peacock subscription locked and loaded for tonight's game are probably excited that a game that has the potential to be really ugly and low-scoring is the one buried behind a streaming paywall.  

Buffalo Bills over Pittsburgh Steelers:

The universal lack of belief in the Mason Rudolph-led Steelers chances of knocking off the red hot Bills all but ensures that this game is going to be surprisingly competitive. Still, the Steelers are likely going to have force Josh Allen into making a lot of mistakes in order to have a chance to win this game and that's going to be hard to do without T.J. Watt out there to disrupt his rhythm.

Dallas Cowboys over Green Bay Packers:

While picking the Cowboys to win a playoff game is always a risky proposition, I feel pretty good about going with them in this spot. They've been a wagon at home this season, Jordan Love and the Packers young receivers could have some real trouble making plays against a Cowboys defense that has mostly been great this season and Mike McCarthy should have a hair across his ass to beat his former team and put the rumors that he's potentially headed to the unemployment line if he underachieves in the playoffs yet again to bed for at least another week.        

Los Angeles Rams over Detroit Lions:

There's something poetic and quite frankly, tragic about the prospect of the Lions best season in 30+ years coming to an end in their own building at the hands of their former franchise quarterback. Considering the deep factory of sadness that is the Detroit Lions organization, the odds of it happening seem very high. Matthew Stafford homecoming narrative aside, I just think the Rams are an awful matchup for the Lions. The Lions defense is leaky at all levels-which gives the Rams free reign to run a really unpredictable, balanced attack, Sean McVay has a significant coaching advantage over Dan Campbell and most importantly, McVay, Raheem Morris and the entire Rams staff knows exactly how to get Jared Goff off balance and turn him into a mess under center after coaching him for 4 seasons. Even with the homefield advantage and the Rams relative lack of experience at some key spots (offensive line, secondary, special teams) that could be exploited, I just don't have a lot of confidence in the Lions ability to pull this one out.

Philadelphia Eagles over Tampa Bay Buccaneers:   

I'm one of the only idiots that is still stubbornly riding with the Eagles on Monday night. Yes, they're reeling after losing 5 out of 6 games to end the regular season. Yes, the defense has become even more of a mess since Matt Patricia replaced Sean Desai as defensive playcaller back in Week 15 against the Seahawks. Yes, it's problematic that Jalen Hurts and DeVonta Smith are going to be playing hurt and A.J. Brown has already been ruled out. Yes, playing in Tampa eliminates the cold weather advantage that warm weather/dome teams are almost never to overcome this time of year.  However even with all these things considered, it can't be overlooked that the Bucs just aren't a very good football team. They limped into the playoffs in the purest sense with the word with back-to-back horrendous performance against the Saints and Panthers (the latter of which was a game they still won since the 2023 Panthers were able to outsuck anybody in the league most weeks), Baker Mayfield is being held together by duct tape at the moment and might spontaneously combust if he takes a few good licks from the Eagles front 7 and have their own slightly under-the-radar defensive struggles spearheaded by their 29th ranked pass defense. Could the Eagles still find a way to lose this game? Absolutely, this is a team that has looked rudderless and completely defeated for weeks now. I just can't bring myself to pick them to lose to a Bucs team that is only in the playoffs on account of winning the clear worst division in the league.  

2023 in Movies: A Year in Review

Sure, the first 3 years of the 2020's had their share of dazzling highlights, but 2023 was the first time that the movie industry had itself a truly special year during this decade. Watching movies in 2023 often felt like bearing witness to a series of small miracles that were so uniquely special that they almost didn't feel real. Several potentially melodramatic stories (All of Us Strangers, The Iron Claw, A Thousand and One) that could've gone wrong so easily in less capable hands ended up being emotional powerhouses. Greta Gerwig turned the most famous doll IP in the world into a multi-faceted masterpiece. Proudly bizarre dark comedies (Bottoms, Poor Things, Dream Scenario) found enthusiastic audiences against all odds. Movies that felt like they came from a bygone era in Hollywood in the best possible way (The Holdovers, Air, They Cloned Tyrone, No Hard Feelings, Anyone But You) showed up and reminded the powers that be that original films of all sizes and genres still have a place in the modern marketplace. Saltburn provided tremendous PR for Barry Keoghan's gift for playing weird little freaks and less tremendous PR for the act of taking a bath. All of these blessings will likely have to tide us movie lovers over for a while as we're starring down the barrel of what could prove to be a rather barren 2024 for reasons that probably don't need to be pointed out to anyone who wasn't in a coma from May-November 2023.

Below, you'll find a full ranking of every movie I saw in 2023 ranked from worst to best along with a whole host of awards and accolades for the films and individuals that made this year in film so special. Hope you enjoy.  

Still Want/Need to Watch:

American Symphony 

Black Ice

Blood and Gold

The Burial 

Butcher's Crossing

Carmen

Cassandro

Cat Person

Concrete Utopia   

The Deepest Breath

Divinity

El Conde

Enys Men

Every Body

Foe

Good Grief

Hidden Strike

Inside

It's a Wonderful Knife

Jawan 

Little Richard: I Am Everything

The Marsh King's Daughter 

Master Gardener

Memory

Monster

The Mother

My Animal

Nyad

Origin

Outlaw Johnny Black

Palm Trees and Power Lines

Perfect Days

The Persian Version 

Pinball: The Man Who Changed the Game

Quasi

Radical 

The Retirement Plan 

Reptile 

Scrapper 

She Came to Me

Shin Kamen Rider

Shooting Stars

Sick of Myself

Sly

Society of the Snow

The Starling Girl 

The Sweet East

Suitable Flesh

Sympathy for the Devil 

The Teacher's Lounge 

When Evil Lurks

When You Finish Saving the World 

Your Lucky Day

The Zone of Interest  

 

138.Fool's Paradise (D)

137.Your Place or Mine (D+)

136.Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (D+)

135.Maestro (D+)

134.The Old Way (D+)

133.Hypnotic (C-)

132.Meg 2: The Trench (C-)

131.The Locksmith (C-)

130.Polite Society (C-)

129.Asteroid City (C-)

128.Candy Cane Lane (C-)

127.Murder Mystery 2 (C)

126.Flamin' Hot (C)

125.The Out-Laws (C)

124.The Flash (C)

123.White Men Can't Jump (C)

122.You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah (C)

121.Retribution (C)

120.Freelance (C)

119.Chevalier (C)

118.House Party (C)

117.Totally Killer (C)

116.Silent Night (C)

115.80 for Brady (C)

114.Sisu (C+)

113.Shotgun Wedding (C+)

112.Shortcomings (C+)

111.You People (C+)

110.Expend4ables (C+)

109.Pain Hustlers (C+)

108.The Super Mario Bros. Movie (C+)

107.65 (C+)

106.We Have a Ghost (B-)

105.Dicks: The Musical (B-)

104.Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (B-)

103.Elemental (B-)

102.Boston Strangler (B-)

101.Please Don't Destroy: The Treasure of Foggy Mountain (B-)

100.A Haunting in Venice (B-)

99.Godzilla Minus One (B-)

98.The Marvels (B-)

97.Rustin (B-)

96.Love at First Sight (B-)

95.Landscape with Invisible Hand (B-)

94.It Lives Inside (B-)

93.Shazam!: Fury of the Gods (B-)

92.Strays (B-)

91.Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (B-)

90.Ferrari (B-)

89.Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (B-)

88.To Catch a Killer (B-)

87.The Pope's Exorcist (B-)

86.The Machine (B-)

85.The Equalizer 3 (B-)

84.Sick (B-)

83.The Royal Hotel (B-)

82.Rebel Moon-Part One: A Child of Fire (B-)

81.Quiz Lady (B-)

80.The Creator (B-)

79.Napoleon (B-)

78.The Wrath of Becky (B-)

77.Champions (B-)

76.Plane (B-)

75.Somebody I Used to Know (B)

74.If You Were the Last (B)

73.Haunted Mansion (B)

72.BlackBerry (B)

71.Earth Mama (B)

70.Anyone But You (B)

69.Oppenheimer (B)

68.You Hurt My Feelings (B)

67.Kandahar (B)

66.Beau is Afraid (B)

65.The Blackening (B)

64.Dumb Money (B)

63.Blue Beetle (B)

62.Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre (B)

61.The Boogeyman (B)

60.Joy Ride (B)

59.Knock at the Cabin (B)

58.Somewhere in Queens (B)

57.M3GAN (B)

56.How to Blow Up a Pipeline (B)

55.No One Will Save You (B)

54.Reality (B)

53.Next Goal Wins (B)

52.Nimona (B)

51.American Fiction (B)

50.Saw X (B)

49.Magic Mike's Last Dance (B)

48.Eileen (B)

47.Of an Age (B)

46.Renfield (B)

45.Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.(B)

44.Gran Turismo (B)

43.Fair Play (B)

42.Anatomy of a Fall (B)

41.Theater Camp (B)

40.Rye Lane (B)

39.Evil Dead Rise (B)

38.Infinity Pool (B)

37.They Cloned Tyrone (B)

36.Dream Scenario (B)

35.The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (B)

34.Missing (B)

33.The Covenant (B)

32.Smoking Causes Coughing (B+)

31.Talk to Me (B+)

30.Wonka (B+)

29.Sanctuary (B+)

28.Fast X (B+)

27.Leave the World Behind (B+)

26.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (B+)

25.Scream VI (B+)

24.Priscilla (B+)

23.Extraction 2 (B+)

22.Air (B+)

21.Cocaine Bear (B+)

20.No Hard Feelings (B+)

19.A Thousand and One (B+)

18.The Iron Claw (B+)

17.Thanksgiving (B+)

16.May December (B+)

15.Saltburn (B+)

14.Killers of the Flower Moon (B+)

13.Mission-Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One (B+)

12.Past Lives (B+)

11.Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (B+)

10.The Killer (A-)

9.Bottoms (A-)

8.Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (A-)

7.Creed III (A)

6.Poor Things (A)

5.Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 (A)

4.The Holdovers (A)

3.Barbie (A)

2.All of Us Strangers (A)

1.John Wick: Chapter 4 (A)

Awards/Superlatives:

Best Picture: John Wick: Chapter 4

Best Director: Chad Stahelski, John Wick: Chapter 4

Best Actor: Paul Giamatti, The Holdovers

Best Actress: Emma Stone, Poor Things

Best Supporting Actor: Charles Melton, May December

Best Supporting Actress: Julianne Moore, May December

Best Original Screenplay: Celine Song, Past Lives

Best Adapted Screenplay: Andrew Haigh, All of Us Strangers

Best Cinematography: Linus Sandgren, Saltburn

Best Score: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem 

Best Original Song: "Dance the Night" by Dua Lipa, Barbie

Best Editing: Kirk Baxter, The Killer

Best Visual Effects: The Creator

Best Sound: Mission-Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One

Best Directorial Debut: Celine Song, Past Lives

Best Animated Feature: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Best Documentary Feature: N/A (It dawned on me a few weeks back that I'd seen zero documentaries from 2023 and I just decided to keep it that way until after the Oscar nominations come out later this month)

Best International Feature: Smoking Causes Coughing

Best Villain: William King Hale (Robert De Niro), Killers of the Flower Moon

Worst Villain: General Zod (Michael Shannon), The Flash

Best Performance in a Bad Movie: (tie) Zoe Chao, Tig Nataro and Steve Zahn, Your Place or Mine

Worst Performance in a Good Movie: Dermot Mulroney, Scream VI

Best Piece of Overacting: Jason Momoa, Fast X

Worst Piece of Overacting: Bradley Cooper, Maestro

The 6th Annual "Carry a Movie On Your Back" Award Presented by Greg Jennings: Colman Domingo, Rustin

Best Action Sequence: "Arc de Triomphe Shootout", John Wick: Chapter 4

Worst Action Sequence: "Final Ant-Man vs. Kang Fight", Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

Best Blockbuster: John Wick: Chapter 4

Worst Blockbuster: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

Finest Hidden Indie Gem: A Thousand and One

Most Insufferable Indie Trash: Asteroid City 

Best Theater Experience (Presentation): Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse in Dolby Cinema

Worst Theater Experience (Presentation): The Blackening

Best Theater Experience (Crowd): Barbie

Worst Theater Experience (Crowd): Oppenheimer

Sickest Theatrical Double Feature I Did: Priscilla/The Holdovers

Saddest Theatrical Double Feature I Did: Hypnotic/Fool's Paradise

Current Cultural Phenomenon That I Wish More People Had the Experience of Seeing in a Packed Theater Just to See/Hear People's Reactions in Real Time During and After the Movie: Saltburn

Funniest Theater Moment: A woman in the row behind me letting out a sound of sexual ecstasy when they showed a closeup of Jacob Elordi for the first time in Saltburn 

The Single Shittiest VFX Work That's Appeared in a Modern Day Blockbuster: The Flash

Superhero Movie That Benefited Immensely From Simply Being a Competent, Formulaic Origin Story in a Year Where The Genre's Releases Mostly Consisted of Titles That Either Flat-Out Stunk or Were Undercut by Major Studio Interference: Blue Beetle 

Best Use of "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne: Bottoms  

Most Underrated Movies:

1.A Thousand and One

2.No Hard Feelings

3.Cocaine Bear

4.Sanctuary

5.They Cloned Tyrone

Most Overrated Movies:

1.Maestro

2.Asteroid City

3.Godzilla Minus One

4.Oppenheimer

5.BlackBerry

Biggest Surprises:

1.Thanksgiving

2.Missing

3.Evil Dead Rise

4.Saw X  

5.No One Will Save You

Biggest Letdowns:

1.Hypnotic

2.Fool's Paradise

3.Silent Night

4.Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

5.Strays 

Top Performances:

1.Charles Melton, May December 

2.Emma Stone, Poor Things

3.Robert De Niro, Killers of the Flower Moon

4.Teyana Taylor, A Thousand and One

5.Paul Giamatti, The Holdovers

6.Zac Efron, The Iron Claw

7.Ryan Gosling, Barbie

8.Julianne Moore, May December

9.Greta Lee, Past Lives

10.Andrew Scott, All of Us Strangers

Top Breakthrough Performances:

1.Teyana Taylor, A Thousand and One

2.Dominic Sessa, The Holdovers

3.Lily Gladstone, Killers of the Flower Moon

4.Tee Yoo, Past Lives

5.Milo Machado Graner, Anatomy of a Fall

6.Andrew Barth Feldman, No Hard Feelings

7.Sabrina Wu, Joy Ride

8.Marshawn Lynch, Bottoms

9.Abby Ryder Fortson, Are You There God?, It's Me Margaret. 

10.Sophie Wilde, Talk to Me

Under-the-Radar Great Performances That I Didn't List Above:

1.Margaret Qualley, Sanctuary 

2.Joaquin Phoenix, Beau is Afraid

3.Jennifer Lawrence, No Hard Feelings

4.John Magaro, Past Lives    

5.Michael Fassbender, The Killer

6.Mia Goth, Infinity Pool

7.Ayo Edebiri, Bottoms

8.Molly Gordon, Theater Camp

9.Kaitlyn Dever, No One Will Save You

10.Rachel Zegler, The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Top Acting Ensembles:

1.May December 

2.The Holdovers

3.Poor Things

4.All of Us Strangers

5.Barbie

6.Past Lives

7.Killers of the Flower Moon

8.Saltburn

9.Bottoms

10.Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3

Top Directorial Debuts:

1.Celine Song, Past Lives

2.Michael B. Jordan, Creed III

3.A.V. Rockwell, A Thousand and One

4.Danny and Michael Philippou, Talk to Me 

5.Nick Johnson and Will Merrick, Missing

6.Juel Taylor, They Cloned Tyrone

7.Raine Allen-Miller, Rye Lane

8.Molly Gordon and Nick Lieberman, Theater Camp

9.Chloe Domont, Fair Play 

10.Cord Jefferson, American Fiction

Top Cinematography:

1.Linus Sandgren, Saltburn

2.Robbie Ryan, Poor Things

3.Dan Laustsen, John Wick: Chapter 4

4.Hoyte van Hoytema, Oppenheimer

5.Jamie D. Ramsay, All of Us Strangers

6.Karim Hussain, Infinity Pool

7.Matthew Libatique, Maestro 

8.Rodrigo Prieto, Killers of the Flower Moon

9.Chung-hoon Chung, Wonka

10.Haris Zambarloukos, A Haunting in Venice

Top Scores:

1.Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

2.Daniel Pemberton, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

3.Jerskin Fendrix, Poor Things

4.Robbie Robertson, Killers of the Flower Moon

5.Ludwig Goransson, Oppenheimer 

6.Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Killer

7.Richard Reed Perry, Eileen

8.Mac Quayle, Leave the World Behind

9.Rupert Gregson-Williams, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

10.Leo Brienberg and Charli XCX, Bottoms  

Top Movies I Hope to See in 2024:

1.Bad Boys 4

2.MaXXXine

3.Dune: Part Two

4.The Fall Guy

5.Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

6.Mickey 17

7.Argylle 

8.Hit Man

9.Ballerina

10.Kind of Kindness  

Top 10 Movies of 2023

Honorable Mentions (in alphabetical order):

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves 

Killers of the Flower Moon

Mission-Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One

Past Lives

Saltburn  

10.The Killer:

David Fincher's second feature for Netflix marks his first home run in the streaming movie space. Michael Fassbender gives his best performance in ages as a deeply respected Hawaiian-shirt wearing assassin forced to go on a lengthy revenge tour after a botched job results in an assassination attempt on his girlfriend (Sophie Charlotte) that left her nearly fatally wounded and Andrew Kevin Walker's script paints a darkly hilarious picture of an obsessive man who puts himself and everyone in his orbit in grave danger just to further pad his obscene bank account and stroke his massive ego. While it may not be exactly what some people were expecting it to be, it's still very much the kind of slick, cynical character study that Fincher is just obscenely good at making.      

9.Bottoms:

Absurdist comedies are fucking back baby! Bottoms is the product of people who grew up loving Wet Hot American Summer, Bring It On, Fight Club and But I'm a Cheerleader and wondered why nobody had ever thought to make a movie that blends all of them together. Well, fortunately nobody beat Emma Seligman (Shiva Baby) to the punch of concocting this unexpected hybrid because nobody else could've made something that's as weird, hilarious and ballsy as this. Ayo Edebiri and Rachel Sennott-who also co-wrote the script with Seligman-are a comedy dream team that fearlessly anchor the film's nutty heightened reality, Seligman stages everything from the fight scenes to the heart-to-hearts with a sincere, almost grateful sense of glee that somebody allowed her to make something so warped in the 2020's and it turns out that Marshawn Lynch is as good at improvising as he was at delivering punishing runs on the football field.       

8.Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse:

Across the Spider-Verse manages to do something that the live-action Marvel films have largely failed to do up to this point: Make the multiverse interesting. It turns out that focusing on the people at the center of the story over over the pseudo-scientific gibberish that makes the multiverse concept run does wonders for the whole infinite parallel universe plot device. Who knew! Anyways, the second entry in Miles Morales' (Shameik Moore) and Gwen Stacey's (Hailee Steinfeld) journey is even more vibrant, heartfelt and visually-dazzling than the previous film. I'll be eager to see if Chris Lord, Phil Miller and their large collection of collaborators can pull off the hat trick of excellence by delivering a compelling conclusion to the twisty cliffhanger of this film in the upcoming Beyond the Spider-Verse-which is being billed as the final entry in this franchise.      

7.Creed III:

Blazing a trail for Adonis Creed that's completely separate from Rocky Balboa was a unique challenge for Michael B. Jordan to take on for his directorial debut, but his reverence and knowledge for the character made him the perfect person to tackle it. Creed III makes the strong choice of expanding on Adonis' troubled past that had been referenced in the previous entries by showing just how close he was to throwing away his boxing career before it even started and how the sins of his past suddenly arrive to threaten his blissful present as a retired boxing superstar-turned-successful trainer when his old friend Damian (Jonathan Majors) gets out of jail after 18 years and proves that he's hungry to pursue a career in pro boxing. This was a great way to elevate the stakes of the series and further explore the legacy of Adonis Creed by forcing him back into the ring to fight somebody whose shoes he easily could've been in himself if a single event broke a different way. Regardless of whether or not Balboa returns in some capacity, the future of Creed is in excellent hands with Jordan at the helm.       

6.Poor Things:

A darkly comedic, deeply feminist steampunk adventure re-imagining of Frankenstein is right in the sicko sweet spot of one Yorgos Lanthimos. Emma Stone turns in the funniest, boldest performance of her career thus far as Bella Baxter-a Victorian-era British woman who gets a second chance at life after a scientist (Willem Dafoe in a bizarrely moving performance) successfully brings her back to life after discovering her corpse in a nearby river and Lanthimos and screenwriter Tony McNamara relish the opportunity to tell a liberating story of a naive yet deeply curious woman as she navigates the world through a fresh set of eyes during a chaotic jaunt around the globe with a womanizing lawyer (Mark Ruffalo-who excels playing against type as a suave, tantrum-prone manchild). Its eccentricity and frequent sex scenes will make it a tough sell for some, but I found it to be an invigorating, very unique film that deserves to be showered with awards in the coming months.         

5.Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3:

Man, Marvel is going to miss James Gunn something fierce. The new head of DC Studios completed his obligations to the MCU by giving the ragtag collection of outlaws whose growing bond with each other and the very idea of being heroes he's documented over the course of nearly a decade's worth of movies the rousing, emotional and completely contained send-off they deserve. What the future holds for the Guardians remains a mystery, but it feels safe to assume that whatever Kevin Feige elects to do with them next won't hold a candle to the magic that Gunn and his incredible ensemble cast were able to make with these characters.  

4.The Holdovers:

One of those simple, lovingly-crafted human stories that nobody in Hollywood really makes anymore for whatever reason, The Holdovers is an extremely funny yet deeply melancholic film centered around an unlikely bond that forms between three broken people (Paul Giamatti, Da'Vine Joy Randolph, newcomer Dominic Sessa-all excellent) who are holed up together at a Massachusetts boarding school while the rest of their classmates and colleagues are all on vacation for Christmas/New Year's. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if this delightful little 70's-set movie climbed further up my list upon rewatch.

3.Barbie:

Using the Barbie brand as a way to cleverly explore gender roles, feminism and societal pressures/double standards put on women were all things I expected to get from Greta Gerwig's film based on the iconic doll line. What I didn't expect was that Barbie would also be the hardest I laughed at any movie released in 2023. Whether it's taking shots at the Mattel corporation, using humor as part of its handling of the aforementioned themes or just simply dropping a goofy one-liner to elevate a scene, Gerwig and her talent-rich cast's (particularly Margot Robbie, Kate McKinnon, Issa Rae, Alexandra Shipp, Michael Cera, Will Ferrell and film MVP Ryan Gosling) ability to consistently inject huge laughs into a really thoughtful, rich script is what allows Barbie to go from great to transcendent.        

2.All of Us Strangers:

In the hands of a lot of filmmakers, a film about a lonely queer screenwriter (Andrew Scott) who begins visiting the ghosts of his parents (Jamie Bell, Claire Foy)-who died in a car accident when he was 12-at his childhood home while he's starting a relationship with a man who lives in his sparsely-filled London apartment building (Paul Mescal) would be a cornball melodrama that lacked even a single strand of sincere emotion in its DNA. In the hands of Andrew Haigh, it's an alternately beautiful and devastating tale of isolation, grief and identity that possesses the surreal, too good-to-be-true wonders of a dream and gut-wrenching pain of the real world in equal measure. How this powerful miracle of a movie seemingly isn't in contention for any awards outside of England and the Independent Spirits is completely beyond me.    

1.John Wick: Chapter 4:

In a world where money wasn't so important and Lionsgate had a larger library of lucrative IP's to work with, John Wick: Chapter 4 would be the end of the main franchise. Even with the near-guarantee that Wick won't get the luxury of a peaceful retirement from the professional killing game and this perfect finale will be aborted, John Wick: Chapter 4 remains a masterpiece. This is the kind of sweeping, electric epic that Chad Stahelski has been building up to as he expanded the scope of John Wick's world with each subsequent film. The melding of compelling new characters (Donnie Yen's blind badass Caine who has an extensive history with Wick, Bill Skarsgard's wildly entertaining dirtbag antagonist the Marquis Vincent Bisset de Gramont  Rina Sawayama's revenge-seeking Akira) with old favorites (Ian McShane's Winston, Laurence Fishburne's The Bowery King, the late Lance Reddick's Charon), the story does a great job of introducing and solving new problems while also resolving lingering ones without ever dragging or losing focus and of course, the hugely satisfying, incredibly well-crafted action setpieces do an incredible job of conveying just how massive the efforts are by the High Table to finally kill Wick. Movies like John Wick: Chapter 4 are what caused me to become such a fan of the action genre and there's no doubt in my mind that it will help breed an entire new generation of genre obsessives.    

2023 in Music: A Year in Review

What a weird musical year 2023 was (for me at least). In terms of mainstream music, some combination of my continued descent into the cultural black hole that is being in your 30's, a pretty substantial lack of high-profile new releases and the TikTokification of the hit machine led to a year that was light on excitement and even lighter on real hits (a Taylor Swift song from 2019 was among the year's biggest chart-toppers for fuck's sake!). On my home turf of the metal genre, several bands that I had long written off put pretty good albums (In Flames, Suffocation, The Acacia Strain) and metalcore albums albums dominated my favorite EP's and LP's lists like it was 2008 all over again

The bizarre tomfoolery afoot didn't stop with this pair of broad trends. My least favorite album of the year was by somebody that I consider to be a totally unique visionary who just happened to take a massive swing that missed by a mile this time around. blink-182 made their 15th comeback record in the last 12 years (and Tom DeLonge seems to actually care at least somewhat this time!). Members of the now-defunct Every Time I Die and The Dillinger Escape Plan joined together to create a new band. Carnifex made the most evil moving tribute song in the history of music. A new album from the elusive Sampha emerged. Somebody from Run the Jewels actually released a new solo album. And last but certainly not least, a poetic, melancholic Americana singer became the next superstar in country music. Perhaps 2024 will offer up something more predictable, but that doesn't feel like a particularly safe bet considering the state of the industry and world-at-large right now.

Below, you'll find a complete ranking of every 2023 LP and EP that I've heard along with my picks for the top 50 songs and some miscellaneous awards. Hope you enjoy and thank you so much for reading.    

EP's:

7.Brand of Sacrifice-Between Death and Dreams (B)

6.Ice Spice-Like...? (B)

5.JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown-SCARING THE HOES: DLC PACK (B)

4.Spiritbox-The Fear of Fear (B+)

3.Better Lovers-God Made Me An Animal (B+)

2.Knocked Loose-Upon Loss Singles (A-)

1.The Callous Daoboys-God Smiles Upon the Callous Daoboys (A)

LP's:

97.Janelle Monae-The Age of Pleasure (D+)

96.Amaarae-Fountain Baby (C-)

95.blink-182-One More Time... (C-)

94.Young Fathers-Heavy Heavy (C)

93.Young Thug-Business is Business (C)

92.Metallica-72 Seasons (C)

91.Offset-Set It Off (C)

90.Suicide Silence-Remember... You Must Die (C)

89.Royal Blood-Back to the Water Below (C)

88.Lil Uzi Vert-Pink Tape (C)

87.The Ocean-Holocene (C)

86.Sexyy Red-Hood Hottest Princess (C)

85.Hozier-Unreal Unearth (C)

84.Baroness-Stone (C)

83.Caroline Polachek-Desire, I Want To Turn Into You (C)

82.Don Toliver-Love Sick (C)

81.Olivia Rodrigo-GUTS (C)

80.Post Malone-Austin (C+)

79.Ava Max-Diamonds & Dancefloors (C+)

78.Lil Yachty-Let's Start Here (C+)

77.White Reaper-Asking for a Ride (C+)

76.Gunna-A Gift & a Curse (C+)

75.Sleep Token-Take Me to Eden (C+)

74.Killer Mike-MICHAEL (C+)

73.Sunami-Sunami (B-)

72.Fall Out Boy-So Much for (for) Stardust (B-)

71.Mitski-The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We (B-)

70.Hail the Sun-Divine Inner Tension (B-)

69.Invent Animate-Heavener (B-)

68.Dominic Fike-Sunburn (B-)

67.Crown Magnetar-Everything Bleeds (B-)

66.Overkill-Scorched (B-)

65.Avenged Sevenfold-Life is But a Dream... (B-)

64.boygenius-the record (B-)

63.King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard-The Silver Cord (B-)

62.Zulu-A New Tomorrow (B-)

61.2 Chainz and Lil Wayne-Welcome 2 Collegrove (B-)

60.Miley Cyrus-Endless Summer Vacation (B-)

59.Harms Way-Common Suffering (B-)

58.Paramore-This is Why (B-)

57.Jessie Ware-That! Feels Good! (B-)

56.Victoria Monet-Jaguar II (B-)

55.100 gecs-10,000 gecs (B-)

54.Gel-Only Constant (B-)

53.Wound Man-Human Outline (B-)

52.Thy Art is Murder-Godlike (B-)

51.Currents-The Death We Seek (B-)

50.TesseracT-War of Being (B)

49.Fromjoy-Fromjoy (B)

48.Cannibal Corpse-Chaos Horrific (B)

47.Black Pumas-Chronicles of a Diamond (B)

46.Sylosis-A Sign of Things to Come (B)

45.Fuming Mouth-Last Day of Sun (B)

44.Frozen Soul-Glacial Domination (B)

43.Cattle Decapitation-Terrasite (B)

42.Entheos-Time Will Take Us All (B)

41.Doja Cat-Scarlet (B)

40.Pupil Slicer-Blossom (B)

39.Ne Oblivscaries-Exul (B)

38.Carnifex-Necromanteum (B)

37.City Morgue-My Bloody America (B)

36.Soulkeeper-Holy Design (B)

35.Danny Brown-Quartana (B)

34.Zach Bryan-Zach Bryan (B)

33.Sampha-Lahai (B)

32.The Acacia Strain-Step Into the Light (B)

31.Carly Rae Jepsen-The Loveliest Time (B)

30.Lana Del Rey-Did you know there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd (B)

29.In Flames-Foregone (B)

28.Gorod-The Orb (B)

27.The Acacia Strain-Failure Will Follow (B)

26.Tomb Mold-The Enduring Spirit (B)

25.Kvelertak-Endling (B)

24.Drain-Living Proof (B)

23.Suffocation-Hymns from the Apocrypha (B)

22.Kali Uchis-Red Moon in Venus (B)

21.Yves Tumor-Praise a Lord Who Chews but Which Does Not Consume (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds) (B)

20.Genesis Owusu-STRUGGLER (B)

19.Judiciary-Flesh+Blood (B)

18.Jesus Piece-...So Unknown (B+)

17.The Zenith Passage-Datalysium (B+)

16.Travis Scott-UTOPIA (B+)

15.Silent Planet-Superbloom (B+)

14.END-The Sin of Human Frailty (B+)

13.Unearth-The Wretched: The Ruinous (B+)

12.August Burns Red-Death Below (B+)

11.Veil of Maya-(M)other (B+)

10.Periphery-Periphery V: Djent is Not a Genre (B+)

9.Year of the Knife- No Love Lost (B+)

8.Mutoid Man-Mutants (B+)

7.Dying Wish-Symptoms of Survival (B+)

6.Horrendous-Ontological Mysterium (B+)

5.Dying Fetus-Make Them Beg for Death (A-)

4.Queens of the Stone Age-In Times New Roman... (A-)

3.Foo Fighters-But Here We Are(A-)

2.King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard-PetroDragonic Apocalypse; or, Dawn of Eternal Night: An Annihilation of Planet Earth and the Beginning of Merciless Damnation (A-)

1.JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown-SCARING THE HOES (A)

Awards/Superlatives:

Biggest Surprises:

1.Foo Fighters-But Here We Are

2.Queens of the Stone Age-In Times New Roman...

3.Suffocation-Hymns From the Apocrypha

4.In Flames-Foregone 

5.Carnifex-Necromanteum 

Biggest Letdowns:

1.Janelle Monae-The Age of Pleasure

2.Young Thug-Business is Business 

3.Killer Mike-MICHAEL

4.Post Malone-Austin

5.Royal Blood-Back to the Water Below

Most Underrated:

1.Queens of the Stone Age-In Times New Roman...

2.Mutoid Man-Mutants

3.Veil of Maya-(M)other

4.Unearth-The Wretched; The Ruinous 

5.Judiciary-Flesh + Blood

Most Overrated:

1.Carolina Paolochek-Desire, I Want to Turn Into You

2.Mitski-The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We

3.Paramore-This is Why

4.Invent Animate-Heavener 

5.Cannibal Corpse-Chaos Horrific 

Top Discoveries:

1.Year of the Knife

2.Judiciary 

3.Tomb Mold

4.Zach Bryan

5.Soulkeeper

Top Artists I Hope Drop An Album in 2024:

1.The Black Dahlia Murder

2.Converge

3.Knocked Loose

4.Dua Lipa

5.Deftones  

Top 50 Songs (in alphabetical order by artist name): 

August Burns Red-Dark Divide

Better Lovers-30 Under 13

Carly Rae Jepsen-Psychedelic Switch

Darkest Hour-Perpetual Terminal

Dua Lipa-Dance the Night

Dua Lipa-Houdini

Dying Fetus-Feast of Ashes

Dying Fetus-Undulating Carnage

Dying Wish-Path to My Grave

Dying Wish-Symptoms of Survival

Foo Fighters-But Here We Are

Foo Fighters-The Glass

Foo Fighters-Under You

Genesis Owusu-Freak Boy

Genesis Owusu-Leaving the Light

Horrendous-Chryspoeia (The Archaeology of Dawn)

Horrendous-Cult of Shaad'oah

Jesus Piece-Fear of Failure

Job for a Cowboy-The Agony Seeping Storm

JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown-Burfict!

JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown-Fentanyl Tester

JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown-Kingdom Hearts Key (feat. Redveil)

Judiciary-Knife in the Dirt

Kali Uchis-Moonlight

Kesha-Eat the Acid

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard-Supercell

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard-Witchcraft

Knocked Loose-Deep in the Willow

Knocked Loose-Everything is Quiet Now

Lana Del Rey-A&W

Mutoid Man-Frozen Hearts

Mutoid Man-Graveyard Love

Paramore-Running Out of Time

Periphery-Wax Wings

Queens of the Stone Age-Obscenery

Queens of the Stone Age-Paper Machete

Queens of the Stone Age-What the Peephole Say

Sampha-Suspended

Silent Planet-Collider

Spiritbox-Jaded

The Callous Daoboys-Pushing the Pink Envelope

The Callous Daoboys-Waco Jesus

Travis Scott-Circus Maximus (feat. The Weeknd and Swae Lee)

Travis Scott-My Eyes

Unearth-Dawn of the Militant

Veil of Maya-Red Fur

Veil of Maya-Tokyo Chainsaw

Yves Tumor-Ebony Eye

Yves Tumor-Lovely Sewer

Zach Bryan and Kacey Musgraves-I Remember Everything